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Am I Over Reacting To My New Husbands Absence?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Sani12, May 24, 2017.

  1. Sani12

    Sani12 Bronze IL'ite

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    A li’l background. I got married 4.5 months back. It was an arranged match. We had a short engagement of 3 months and then got married. Ever since my husband resumed office after marriage, he has been in another city from Monday to Friday, he comes home on Friday night and leaves on Monday early morning. This has been going on for the past 4 months. He is an IT professional and works from home on Saturdays, and is extremely tired o do anything on Sundays. We live with MIL & FIL, so we are never really alone. I am a working professional and on weekdays I am out of the house from 8 am to 8 pm. Even though I am not at home all day, I miss him terribly. I feel so incomplete. The whole point of getting married was that I could stay with my husband but that is not the case. Even though my in-laws are nice, I feel there is something missing.

    My problem is that my husband does not acknowledge this as a problem in our marriage. He think its extremely normal for the husband to be busy with his work. He says he is doing it for our future, but my logic is what about our present? We have not even gotten a chance to understand each other as we don’t get to spend any time together. He says this is just a temporary phase and that this will continue only for the next 1 or 2 months or so. But my point is , these days will not come back again. These are supposed to be the happiest days of our lives- we are starting a new journey together, BUT we are not together. He gets irritated when I bring this up saying he can’t help it. He says I am over reacting. I told him to take me along, I will opt for work-from-home from my office for a few weeks, but he says spouses are not allowed. Each and everyone around me says it’s a terribly situation to be in, and how sad it is, and that it must make you angry, frustrated and annoyed. I am OK with the fact that he is away, but I feel he should spend some time at least during the short period he is here. But he is watching TV or doing some thing else. We just go out on Sundays for an hour or two, we have to come back early because he needs to do packing for the next week. We have not even consummated our marriage due to time constraint and him being tired. We have been very intimate and done everything else but not done the “deed”. We have tried but been unsuccessful maybe due to lack of experience. I know this is completely normal in arranged marriage, but still.
    Also, a fact that my office is much nearer to my maayka. It takes me 10 minutes to reach office from maayka and 1 hour from sasural to office. But still I live with my in laws , travelling 1 hour in morning and evening. Husband doesn't even acknowldge that.

    My problem is that I want to understand how to deal with this situation? How do I stop myself from missing him so much, knowing that he doesn’t miss me a lot and even when he will be home, he won’t want to spend much time together. Am I over reacting or is my frustration justified?
     
    Last edited: May 24, 2017
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  2. fourthaugust

    fourthaugust Gold IL'ite

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    If this is just a temporary phase like only for couple of months then you can be patient. I understand your frustration here but once you two are together , you will not have any complained regarding this issue. Are you sure that this is gonna end in two months or so? If not then yes , yo need to voice your opinion and be persuasive. You can also go and stay at tour place citing the same reason. But of it is only for a short duration then cooperate and stop irritating him as this might affect your relationship badly.
     
    sindmani likes this.
  3. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

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    Iam not sure if you are over reacting.Such arrangements can work for a few weeks and not months in the initial period after marriage.Why don't you suggest living in your parents home during the weekdays when your husband is not there?You come back to your in-laws home on Friday night and go back on Monday morning.Cite the distance being the reason and that you feel tired.

    Maybe you will feel a little better if nothing else can be changed.
     
    SGBV and sindmani like this.
  4. bhagya85

    bhagya85 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi op,
    Its definitely not over reacting..it is a very basic emotions that everyone would have after marriage especially in arranged marriage.If it is only for couple of months I think you can accept this. But I am not sure how something will change after couple of months which can not happen now (since you are clueless about it)? If he tries to avoid this discussion further I think you can take that to your in-laws casually since you mentioned they are nice to you.

    IMO first few months of marriage are golden period..don't miss it..after a year of marriage or pregnancy everything changes..spend some time together..try looking for job close to his office area..All the best:thumbup:
     
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  5. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    You are definitely not overreacting. It is important, especially in the initial months/year, you are able to create a strong bond with your spouse and feel connected. I understand his perspective - now that he's married, he is switching his brain to "thinking about the future" and how to sustain his family as it grows. But, you're right, both of you should be thinking about the present and exploring your interests together.

    Have you gone for a honeymoon? and for how long? If you didn't or went for a very short period of time, try planning a getaway. Sure, this would require taking time off from work, but it will be worth it - it will be the much need vacation your hubby needs. Is his birthday coming up? Maybe (since you are working), you can surprise him with a trip that you paid for and whisk him away (I'm not trying to be anti-feminist, but don't pay for everything yourself, just because you have a job. I suggested treating him as a birthday gift to take him away from the typical routine.). If he seems to feel like it's frivolous, get some support from your nice in-laws. I'm sure they want their son to have some fun and enjoy life with his wife.
     
    sindmani likes this.
  6. JGVR

    JGVR Gold IL'ite

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    Discuss with your husband about how long this long distance relationship has to continue and come up with a plan.

    If you can take long leave for 3 months or so,then avail that and go stay with him.

    Also you can convince your husband to take a separate home near his work place,so that you could work from home and stay with him.
     
  7. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Try to stay with ur parents during weekdays
    I am surprised about ur husband not consummating the marriage.
    Not sure what to stay.
    You need to confront ur husband
    If no response from him.
    Tell your parents
     
    SGBV likes this.
  8. salad

    salad Gold IL'ite

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    I am not feeling you are over reacting . If it's phase there should be a time line . How many moren months . Take steps so you guys can be together . Either switching his job else switching your job..

    To survive this phase plan vacations . As you guys are not getting time to spend with each other on daily basis ,plan vacations on every month ( take one day leave and go outing for 3 days ,Saturday ,Sunday ,Monday ). Just you both spending quality time with each other , getting to know each other .
     
  9. iliketotravel

    iliketotravel Bronze IL'ite

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    you are not over reacting at all. You have all valid questions and i can understand your feelings. I dont mean to intrude into your personal life, but i was stuck at the point where you said that you have not consummated your marriage yet..? This is not normal.

    As other member suggested, you should confront your husband on taking you along to the city he is working in. Assuming that you guys are financially ok, he should be able to rent a house in the city, where he works. If your inlaws are fit and fine, they can come and visit you guys there. Bring this up wiht your parents and inlaws. They will be able to achieve this by suggesting to your husband.
     
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  10. samsWait

    samsWait Silver IL'ite

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    You are not overreacting. These are normal emotions. So in 4 months you met like 16 times and even then did not spend quality time. You say spouses are not allowed to your husband's workplace. Which weird place has spouse not allowed policy? I understand if it is field work where spouse maybe inconvenienced. But for IT? I suspect something fishy here with your spouse not allowed and marriage consummated thingy.
     

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