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Am i missing something ?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SiriVeda, Oct 18, 2013.

  1. SiriVeda

    SiriVeda Silver IL'ite

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    Our marriage is 7 years old and we have a 3 year old son and expecting another child in 2 more months. Ours is a love marriage and we never had any problems with each other or with our respective in laws. Overall I can say my marriage had been blissfull till recently.

    For the past few months I have been observing a change in my DHs attitude. Though he helps me with taking care of our 3 year old, takes us on short outings on sundays and helps me other household activities etc., he does not want to sit and have an affectionate conversation with me. Our conversations these days have become very formal. I am able to make the difference so easily as he used to shower me with lots of love and affection all the time and there were no formalities between us. We would talk endlessly after our son is asleep and had a healthy married life in all aspects.

    These days everything is different. He does not want to talk to me for more than 10 mins during any time of the day. He does not want to come and sleep along with me as we used to do before. He says he wants to relax and keeps watching cricket or browsing till late in the night. He says Iam suffocating him by being around constantly and he needs some space. He says he is jealous of his friends who are not yet married and how he wishes to be in their position.

    One thing that did not change is the way he helps me with managing our son or household work. One day he helped me so much and I really wanted to give him a big hug....I couldn't believe myself when he completely ignored my invitation. He did hug after I expressed my displeasure but there was no love in it. It was so formal.

    He is a very ambitious and hard working person. He wants to go places in his career and I will do all I can to help him achieve his goals. Off late he started dreaming about living in a different city/country all by himself while me and our children will be in Chennai or the "base" as he calls it. I did not agree with this dumb arrangement as I really cant imagine living a life away from him. I told him I will accompany him wherever he wants to go as being with him is very important to me and his children would always need his presence and guidance.

    Recently one night I got an opportunity to talk to him abt all this nonsensical behaviour of his. I did not fight or shout or anything. I just said I love you and Iam missing you...I feel like spending a lot more time with you. His response to this was "Don't expect me to hold your pallu and be at home all the time.Learn to be independent".

    What does that mean ? I am 7 months pregnant and I do all the cooking, buying groceries, fetching my son from school and entertaining the little fellow in the evenings, feed him and make him sleep etc., He helps me whenever he can without me asking for it. Iam sure he is not referring to being independent financially as leaving my job after our son was born was a joint decision. He never complains if I spend or never asks me for bills. He says very clearly that Iam doing the most important job on earth and encourages me to study more or follow my dream of becoming an artist.

    He does all right things and says right things sometimes. However why has he stopped showing any affection towards me? Why does he want to be alone when I want to just rest my head on his shoulders after a long day ? One day I asked him where did all the love go....he said don't ask me tough questions. Whats wrong? What am I missing here ? I love him a lot.....lot more than he can ask for......if I say this he feels awkward instead of being happy. Why ????
     
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  2. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi,
    Your marriage is going through the 7 year itch and DH is feeling that he is nearing middle age and is burdened with responsibilities.
    Maybe the coming second baby is making him hemmed in, milk bottles, diapers , teething the whole scene will be repeated for at least 2 years or till baby starts school.
    Nowadays there is a lot of peer pressure and people feel envious of others who seem to be doing better, going abroad , plum postings,enjoying life etc.
    You can encourage him to pursue his dreams but never alone.
    Be ready to shift if he wants a different posting ,taking care of 2 kids alone is tough.
    He may be thinking of leading a carefree bachelor life while you stay at 'base' and he comes home for vacations.
    Make it clear that you would be happy to go along with him wherever he goes.

    One cannot demand space in marriage after 2 kids , if he was a free bird he should have stayed a bachelor.
    Marriage means togetherness and not empty spaces.
    Suppose both DH and DW demand space then what to do with kids?
     
  3. SiriVeda

    SiriVeda Silver IL'ite

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    Dear flowerlady....

    I agree with you completely and I told my DH that whatever it is, wherever he wants to go I will accompany him. I will take care of everything else...all I want him to do is stay with us.

    I think I will just have to wait patiently.
    Siriveda
     
    1 person likes this.
  4. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    I dont see any major problem. It is just that responsiblities are now taking over your care free love scenario
     
    sindmani, simpleMom and Rihana like this.
  5. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi OP, hugs to you.

    I suggest you do this. Talk to your husband. Not a conversation but a very mature speech. Make sure you are calm and a bit hardened while giving the speech. Do not talk about specific incidents.

    Instead say something like this, "I have something to say to you. I do not expect or even want you to reply. I just want you to listen and think it over. In the last few months I notice you have cooled off towards me. You are still a great dad and am really happy that you share the chores. I do sense that you have emotionally withdrawn. Having known you for so long, I deduce there is something bothering you. Please do not insult my intelligence by denying it. Perhaps you do not wish to spring it on me since I'm pregnant. My mind however is thinking of various scenarios -each one worse than the other- that might have caused it. The fact that you are withholding affection makes me extremely sad, however, since you wish to have a bit of space, I've decided to give you that. I am independent enough. Looking for affection and expressions of love is just a human need. You can't shut it away. It enriches life. Doesn't make one dependent in the wrong sense of the word. Since you won't share your thoughts with me, there isnt much I can do. I just miss my best friend and lover very much and and waiting for the day I get him back. Please think about what I have said. Should you choose to share your worries with me, I'm right here to give you a hand. And last but not the least, I love you. Very much. Good night."

    Get up up and walk away.

    Please forgive me for writing a speech out for you. I couldn't stop myself once I started. Once you have written down your speech, rehearse it several times in front of the mirror. Seriously. So that you have the right expressions and don't break down and cry while talking to him.

    And remember to give him the space. A cheerful good morning but no need to mope around him. Just stay cool towards him for a bit and he should realise what he is missing...

    I hope whatever your husband is going through gets sorted and you all live he happy life you deserve.

    Xxxxxx
     
    sindmani, Haya, Chachi420 and 2 others like this.
  6. peet1983

    peet1983 Silver IL'ite

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    Frnd,

    I had a feeling that your DH is exhausted. Its really tough for men to handle his daily busy job as well as house hold works though he has the responsibility for it, they have to stretch for it. It looks his mind right now just looking for some relaxation at this stage, that may be the basic reason why he looking for a new place or wishing a bachelor life. Also he might have concerned about the situation when the new baby arrives.

    Dont worry, those thought are just for the time being. Once he will have his 2nd baby on his arms, things will be back. You just try to make feel that you are there for him and make sure that he is getting some relax while he is in the house even though he is willing to help you.
     
  7. MaritalBliss

    MaritalBliss Platinum IL'ite

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    I think you are too needy and clingy...perhaps he needs some space.
     
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  8. heron

    heron Platinum IL'ite

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    Every single one of us will be in the "need my space" phase some or the other time. Do him a favour by respecting his wish.

    You will see why when its your turn
     
    1 person likes this.
  9. sweetypi

    sweetypi Platinum IL'ite

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    Flowerlady is right. It's the 7-year itch coupled with second child jitters. You should accompany him if he decides to take up a posting elsewhere. Not only because it's difficult to care for two young children singlehandedly, but also because the children need both parents, and he has been a good husband and father so far. While he may be feeling jealous of his bachelor friends, they may be ruing the lack of a wife and children in their own lives as well.
    He cannot decide after 7 years of marriage and having two children, that he needs to be free of his family (or be with them only when he feels like it). It is a selfish, cruel and immature thought. Tell him that you are willing to support him and realize his dreams. But at the same time, it is equally important for you both to keep your little family together. If both you and he start envying your single friends and decide to break free, what is going to happen to your family ? Maybe you need his emotional support a little bit more now. So what ?
     
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  10. Chachi420

    Chachi420 Platinum IL'ite

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    Guyz, the genuine feelings all of you share for each other and way you try to help out each other is impressive :hatsoff while I agree with all of your observations and suggestions ... just want to put it out there that there is another possibility ... bringing in my male perspective hoping you take it in the right spirit ... this has been scientifically studied that DH and / or DW do some stuff that the other just can't stand after few years which leads to this moving away ... the solution proposed in that study was for each to make a list of stuff they don't like in the other and would like them to change. Give it a try and you will be surprised with what you will find out. What you will write out also will be interesting to yourself. Most of them maybe you can't change but some of them you might and just knowing that these small things are causing the moving apart will motivate you to find alternatives if not total change. You are lucky that this situation seems to be just emerging for you. I will post a link to that study if I can find it but the study was done to find out why the DH and DW drifted so apart that they do not meet anymore.

    Of course, I wish and hope this study is not relevant to you and both of you end-up with blank pages but no harm in giving it a try right. I tried and didn't regret. Good Luck !!!
     
    3 people like this.

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