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am I leading a normal life?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Ramya.maheshkum, Apr 5, 2010.

  1. Ramya.maheshkum

    Ramya.maheshkum New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I have been married for past 5 years,and still we both are not able to understand each other.My MIL stays with us and he is the only son.MIL doesn't allow us to go out any where,even if we go we should be back in 30 -40 mins,otherwise calls on calls.Initially when we got married ,i did not have job,he lied to me and my parents sayign that he is doing some business and got marrid,after marriage i came to know he did not have a job.I thrived to get a job and at last got it,I became prgnant very soon during our second month of our married life,they did not understand what im undergoing,as I was having sever vomiting,they were blaming me,he used to tell i donot have anythign to talk to you,if you have you talk,i was hurted a lot initally but kept quite,gradually my parenst came to know about this and spoke to them,but they did not listen,they did not respect my parents nor me,we ignored this,they used to treat us like servants and listen to what ever they,though my parents have done to a large extent,later when I delivered my baby,they came to seee me and while leaving they baled that my parents did not look after his mom ,they should have treated her first and then me and my baby(he was born prematurely),my hubby did not talk to me for 3 months nor came to see his son for three months,then he called and told r u so busy tht u can't even call and ask how he was and him mom,i could not take and a lot of argument happened and finally setlled,after 9 months I went to my IL's house where she again started complainign about me that I only look after my son and not her,my hubby also belived and started beating me,finally i called my parents and asked to take my son as they did not have a maid and my MIL could not take care of the child because of her obesity and knee problem(this they also agreed) and i did not want to leave my job,by this time because of my pressure he had joined for a job,when my parents came also they did not treat them well,we ignored all these and abusing me phicillay and mentally started becoming more,they just wanted my money which I was not ready to spend full salary on them at all,i wanted to save for myself also.thenm after my son't 1st birthday,we had another fight that we went till divorce,met counsellors ,and came to a settle ment that we will lead life for ourself,but even then my hubby listes to my MIL only,he always says that his mom has bought him up with great difficulty and have to look aftr her first,i do agree all the parents does this,it does nto mean that he can ignore his wife and child,even ater that he never asks about his son nor goes to see him,once in 2 months or 3 months he goes and see,i do not know why,he only thinks about making money and how to,but monwy matters the restrictions only comes to me,they can eat and buy wht ever they want but i can't,all the rules what he says is only applicable for me why not him also,recently we bought a falst,after the house openign cermony he left me and my son in teh new house and joiined his momand his relatives at the old house,inspite i had told that we all will stay there for 3 days,when questiond he sais his mom is not feeling well and has to look after her,this wsa false,she did a drama that is all,can;t understand them at all,they both have so gud understanding that,in front of him my MIL will be very gud but at back she talks all nusiance and be angry with me does nto tlak to me or argues.since she talks nusiance,i stopped responidn to her and talkign and be to my self when i am hurted,my hubby does not like that ,he starts saying that i am only wrong,she is like that and i have to here all these,and ignore but for how long,i cannot buy anyhting wht i like,even thought wht she is saying is wrong im not suppose to tell that,i shoudl just say yes for everything wht every they say,but for how long,
    some times i feel to ed up my life but will think abt my child and stop,sometimes feel like breaking this relationship(which has coem till end for 3 times and stopped),but i do not have so much of strength with in me also,i have to think abt my parents also,they have been hurted so much til now,now i have stopped saying wht i feel my sorrows,i just write in a book and get relaxed,but how long,i wish to stay at office for long hours not willing to go home,everyone asks at office,why,can;t answer them also,please let me know wht should I do,sometimes even dutring weekend i coem to office and spend my time,i do all th house hold things before cmg to office,if im not feeling well i am not suppose to take rest,they pass comments which i cannot take,very harshly they talk,they comment on wht ever i do,even though i took care of my MIL when my hubby had gone for onsite for 9 m inthsmthey did not recognise,they blamed me only for not looking at her,as she went to her native for few days that is all,she never says when she is going out even for more than 1 day,nor he befor ein had,may be on that day he wil inform me,nor while taking any decision about our future,when he asks money if i do not give he starts abusing me,which i totally ignore now and refuse giving him money as i need to secure my son's life for future,till now i can say even a penny he has not spent on him,wht a dad,even if he says something as a small kid he gets angry on him and does not talk to him,he is just four years,once he said i will not talk to u know over the phone,so my hubby got angry and was saying wht ethich have u'r parents taught him,lookat the way he talks to his dad,i do not think anything is wrong in this,as he is a lid and he was busy playing and did not want to talk that is all,how can u force a kid to do somethign which he does not like ,when i tried to explain him the same,he abused me,cannot explain him all this at all,i do not know why he behaves,i am afraid to bring him here,because of his attitude and ego.once he had even abused physically my dad alsowhich he forgive,but even now if they have spoken something,he wnats to take revenge on them,they should just do as he and his mom says,i am totally against it and have strictly told them tht they will not do,wht ever they may do for me,but they will not bend,as much as we bend they are demandingm more from us whcih is wrong,pls let meknow how to handel this situation

    thanks ramya
     
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  2. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Ramya,
    Hugs and love to you.I think you have taken this for too long.No you are not leading a normal life.You are living a suffocating life where your worth is your paycheck.You have to live away from your child....thats infuriating.

    IF THERE IS PHYSICAL ABUSE then you leave immediately.

    Your son needs you more than these people.You are staying away from him so you can earn for your DH and in laws..I don't get it.

    DUMP him and take care of your life.You cannot change your DH.

    FL.
     
    Last edited: Apr 5, 2010
  3. BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Ramya,
    You have done a few smart things already
    1. Letting your parents raise your kid and consequently keeping him away from your abusive spouse
    2. Being financially independant and saving your money seperately

    So now the next question you have to answer for yourself is, why are you still in the marriage? What is the reason to continue with a greedy man that is abusive and an irresponsible parent? Based on what you say it sounds like you should go and live with your parents and your child. Your primary responsibility is towards your kid.


    Today morning on my way to work I was listening to a program on the topic of domestic violence.
    Domestic Violence and the Economy - KJZZ 91.5 FM - Your NPR News Station
    In that program, they were suggesting that for victims of domestic violence they first try to make the woman financially independant (which you already are).

    Good luck. Be strong for your childs sake and do not put up with abuse.
     
  4. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    No this is not a normal happy married life.
    Also the child is not getting right example of a married life & a positive upbringing.

    However a lot of homes have had such marriages in the past and even today... with a slight difference today that more ladies are opting out of such marriages & not bothering about society anymore. Physical violence should not be tolerated.
     
  5. RadiantCat

    RadiantCat Gold IL'ite

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    Answer to your question: No you are not leading a normal life.

    My advice: Walk-out.

    Reasons:

    1. They have first cheated you by providing false information
    2. Emotional and Physical Abuse
    This marriage will not survive. Tweak this forum, you will find several such cases like yours and the only option is to walk-out. File divorce, have custody of your child, work hard and focus on your career. Life will become peaceful eventually.
     
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2010
  6. roses_bloom

    roses_bloom Junior IL'ite

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    I see absolutely no reason for you to stay in this marriage. your so called 'husband' is a useless and terrible father, husband, and family man.

    You need to leave this marriage.
     

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