Am I Gullible Or Self Centered?

A friend and I and our respective tweens, due to our interest in practical projects for application of Artificial Intelligence for our tweens, were in touch with a few mentors for past few months. We were working out the feasibility of a few ideas. When we were almost on the verge of finalizing a project for our kids, my friend tells me that her child cannot spare time for this as they are preoccupied with another project. They are a part of a team that is based abroad and are working online. They will be traveling abroad in March for some expo in that regard. The project they are working on is in the same field that we were discussing about. I was spellbound. I didn’t know what to make out of this. I kept quiet. Then for some days she did not call me at all. (I did not call too. I was hurt. Moreover, it was always she who would call me at least twice a day). She called a common friend a few days later and asked her to convince me to understand her. It seems she told the common friend that since she (my friend) has lost her husband and since she’s a single parent and sole bread winner, she had to grab the opportunity of joining the online team. There was room for my child in the team but she thought it would be better if only her child joins. I don’t know her reasoning behind this. I called her once last week on her child’s birthday to wish. I spoke briefly but did not rake up the topic.

Today, I received a call from my child's school informing me that my friend's child will be a part of the school team that my child is a part of. This team will represent the school in some Math competition. The teacher called me to ask if it's Ok with me if my child stays back after school to assist my friend's child to prepare for the competition. I said Ok. The teacher (She is not aware of the personal relation between me and my friend. she only knows us as 2 mothers whose kids are in the same school) thanked me and added that it's kind of me to allow my child to help others especially those who have lost an important family member. I didn't know what to say. I am confused. I am hurt. I sympathize with my friend but I feel betrayed. i am sorry I feel like this. Am I self centered? Please guide me.

 

Thanks a lot for your reply, MalStrom. Thanks also for the advice of keeping her at an arm's length. I realize that I was naive all along to have overlooked the red flags till now. I wasn't sure how to handle this from now on. I will keep the interaction peripheral henceforth. I half expect her to gaslight me in some way, again using her personal loss as the excuse.

 

Thanks anika987. I will keep her away emotionally. Keeping her away totally may not be completely possible as our kids are in the same school. Also, she lives only a block away from my place.

You are right, this is how the world works. I think we should include this scenario (of being abandoned midway) as well while working out the feasibility of any idea/ plan and work out a contingency plan for such a scenario. A good life skill to work on in these times.

I don't understand how to go ahead with the project with my child though, if at all. A barrage of questions will be thrown at me by my child when I start talking about this. What still befuddles me is the fact that her child did not make a slight mention of the online project to my kid even when they see each other in school almost everyday.

 

Thanks Thoughtful. I wish everyone was conditioned to think like the farmer there. People do think with that mindset... we have seen that attitude during the pandemic...not any longer though. The only deduction that my observation of people's behaviour in Covid times leads me to is that people think of mutualism/ synergy/ the community at large mostly only in times of distress.

It is their insecurity and lack of confidence in themselves that leads to such a pathetic behavior otherwise. I wonder how they can sleep peacefully at night after all this!

 

Thanks much, Rihana. I feel a connect with your words. You being a senior mom have already been there and done that . This is probably my first time and I sincerely hope it is the last.

How did you handle this with your child? What kind of a conversation did you have with them? I don't want to ruin children's faith in the world but I also want them to keep their guard up always.

Also, how did you react when asked by people around you? I mean what should I do/ say when people like the common friend or other parents in my child's school ask me about my friend/ her child. They may not ask about this project as they may not be aware. They will ask me about my friend's well being and about her life in general though.

And should I share anything with my child to have at the back of the mind now that there will be interaction specifically wrt the prep for the Math competition?

I know I may sound silly even, asking all these questions but I want to do it for my child so that they handle any such situation better and not walk down the path of self doubt like I did.
Thank goodness for IL and Ilites for the emotional springboard.