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Am i going on the right path? pl give me ur suggestions for a better life.

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Melody123, Feb 27, 2014.

  1. Melody123

    Melody123 New IL'ite

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    halo friends. pls help me lead a better life. I am 24 & I have been married for 3 years and i have a 1 yr old dd. i live with in-laws. In- laws are not bad but very sensitive and criticize and expect a lot and when i do not meet those expectations they keep their faces and give me the silent treatment and treat me as if i am a dull without brains and absolutely have no talent. My FIL says that in front of my face. They are the decision makers of the household. this puts a pressure inside me. Before marriage i was working and felt like a person who could win the world. All that have turned up side down now. by nature i am very mild and would like to avoid conflicts. but in this agressive world i feel that i am pathetic. I never have spoken to anyone raising my voice. I talk a lot and mingle well. But i am very soft spoken and could not retort. they treat me as if i do not know anything and anyone could cheat me. they feel very insecured marrying off their son to me. i too have my fair share of short-comings before marriage, i have not faced anything big and had'nt had responsibilities with over protective parents and an easy to live environment. this showed its side effects after marriage. I am also very hesitant in nature always afraid of other's reactions to my actions. I adjust a lot and also am forced to be nice all the time. I do this for my husband and they take good care of my DD. They compare their own daughter with me. like how intelligent and talented she is which she really is. I feel inferior and low at confidence and also good for nothing. I am also confined within these 4 walls and have no experience of the outside world. Has anyone else had the same problem as me? Please give me ur suggestions to come out of this and to be more confident and courageous.
     
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  2. aamrapali

    aamrapali Gold IL'ite

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    For a start, stop highlighting your short-comings. You are aware of them, that is good enough. Now put them in a closet and don't think or talk about them constantly.

    Be content and happy with what you have. You seem to have a decent life overall - no major hurdles. Try to stay cheerful and enjoy what you have. Slowly as you get older you will learn things with time. Even if you are the most shy, quiet, timid introvert, if you open your mind to possibilities and have a thirst for knowledge and yearn to learn, you will imbibe good information and gain experience with time.

    Lastly, don't give too much importance to what others think of you. Some day you will realize how wrong they were. You are your best judge. If they think you are stupid and it makes them feel better about themselves, so be it. Don't care. You feel good about yourself and stupid or intelligent, beautiful or ugly, shy or talkative - this is who you are. Accept yourself - others will soon learn to accept you.
     
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  3. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Do you have a job?If not ,get one.It will keep you sane.
    If they give you silent treatment....ignore and enjoy the silence. Don't think about why ...just do something you enjoy and make the most of it.Think of it as "your" time to yourself.Go to your room or go out and do your stuff.

    If they compare and criticize....just look at them firmly and say Ok....and carry on with your work. This kind of one sided constant criticism,constant comparison or silent treatment is a kind of abuse. Mild ...but abusive. You show them that it does not effect you ....they may stop.

    If they are reasonable when they are not in "their mood"...and generally nice(and genuinely care about you),try talking to them.Tell them ,their constant criticism and comparison is making you depressed and sad.Do this only if you are sure they are not doing this because it gives them pleasure.
     
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  4. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    You poor thing. For some reason I really feel bad for you. Please remember 2 things.

    1. What you are undergoing is brainwashing by your ILs. They are constantly highlighting only your shortcomings and holding it up before your eyes. So that you will react like this and hesitate to take any step or be independent. By making you hesitant and unsure it is easier for them to dominate you and make sure everything is done the way they want and under their control.

    2. If really your ILs wanted a girl similar to your SIL why they would have done the marriage with a girl like you? Next time they compare ask them this in indirect way. I can bet anything that SIL is very opinionated and independent and would not listen to them as much as you do. In reality they wanted someone exactly like you so dont feel you are a misfit or dont belong in that house.

    Always remember all of us have shortcomings. But we cant just go on thinking about our weaknesses all day. We will be paralysed with fear and unable to function. Stop physically listening to your in laws when they start the brainwashing. Walk away, leave the room and if you cant, act busy in kitchen and make lot of noise or talk loudly to kid or think of some movie you saw but dont listen and take in their words.

    Be brave and take baby steps in terms of independent decisions. Start small. Go by yourself to the shops for example. If they object you cant do, you will get cheated then try to explain softly that unless you try how will you learn. And dont give in, no matter what. Make sure you go. Nothing will happen. Then next time you can point to first example and reply to their objections that they had objected earlier also but nothing like what they had predicted has happened. Like this slowly you can build up your confidence. Dont expect them to encourage or give you confidence. You will have to do it on your own. And once kid is old enough, get out of that place and get a job.
     
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  5. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    OP,

    I went through the same environment as you before marriage..Parents never talked loud, no arguments, small family-happy life, over protective and caring parents, zero decision making experience, etc...

    After marriage, its so different...normal tone of my in-laws is loud..i felt as if I was being scolded for everything, felt really low sometimes seeing and comparing the lifestyles...But after 4 yrs of marriage, I am getting a feel of their lifestyle, traditions, etc..and adjusting..Ultimately, I understood one thing that they don't want to show me down, or take revenge or anything like that...even they are getting used to a new person(me) of their family..I think time heals these...

    But..it is definitely important to be independent. I was and am working ..and it helps me see the world..which is very important for our kids too because we can raise them to face the world out there. Start slowly..go shopping, pick up and drop your kids to day care or school in a vehicle, meet other moms and arrange for some get-togethers either at park or apt building,etc...join a course(need not be professional, choose something like terracota jewelry making,cooking classes, etc)...If your mind is occupied, then you can push all the petty things of in-laws aside..if you are not successful\interested in finding a job, do some small business online(just google and you will be amazed to find the number of options to work from home)

    Hope this helps...I am not expert in such situations and I myself have been married only for 4 years..but this is my perspective..
     
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  6. indoc

    indoc Gold IL'ite

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    What you need is confidence.. and getting a job will be the first step...
    Don't try to get "good DIL" certificate.. its futile and virtually impossible, how hard you may try..
     
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  7. kelly1966

    kelly1966 Platinum IL'ite

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    My Dear ..
    you were a child only 21yrs when you got married what experience could you possibly have.. and you are a child now too.. only 24yrs and will be immature.. can't expect a matured lady at this age.. naturally your parents would be pampering you..
    no wonder your in laws are feeling insecure of "leaving " their precious son to you..
    next time I think you should simply highlight the fact that you are so young have years to learn all the worldly ways and tell them to be patient and teach you..
    yOu have many many years to learn honey.. chill
     
  8. beingloved

    beingloved Gold IL'ite

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    What about starting with job again? It'll solve 80% of your problems, acc to me
     
  9. MaliniHari

    MaliniHari Gold IL'ite

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    Honey, please remember "A mother in law cannot be a mother and a daughter in law cannot be daughter". So lets not mess things.
    You have worked, you have good control over language and you could communicate what you want to. You still think you are low? Never.
    1. First step is to stop thinking about what others say, never think of it.
    2. I will tell you something, start reading papers, a research says, once you know of the current affairs your confidence boosts up!
    3. you have net connection, you have the world with you!
    4. start speaking of things your in laws does nt know about! That way, let them think you know more and she is not the one to play with.
    5. trust me, "be whom you want to be" and "fake it till you make it".
    6. When you walk, walk briskly with your head held high! this works!
    7. why should you know of the outside world? You can choose what you want to know with internet! make use of it!
    8. Try going out of your own, alone, to gym or any other places. that would give you an exposure.
    9. once you are ready, find a job, and that clears 80% of your trouble!

    Finally, if your dh says you are a bad decision maker - ask him "Would you like to include my decision of marrying you?"

    All these remain a mystery until you try it! Just a take a step forward and you would unveil the Phoenix in you! good luck!
     
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  10. Melody123

    Melody123 New IL'ite

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    Thank you all so much for your support. Now i feel that i am not down and feeling good abt myself. But i do not know how to change my hesitant behaviour. It has been 1 year since my DD was born and i stayed with my parents. Now i am feeling homesick and wanted to go there for a week. I am hesitant to ask them whether they could let me off for a week. I know i sound like a coward but only here i could share my thoughts and find solutions thanks to all you friends. I dont feel like asking them to do anything.
     

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