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Am I Expecting Too Much?

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by anivijay, Dec 16, 2016.

  1. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Finest Post Winner

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    I second every word said by @YM here.

    Op, dont be so meek. You saw the true colors. Fault was definitely yours for spoiling them.
    Your husband is not wrong. Don't argue with him. Listen to him and assure him that you realised your mistakes and henceforth you will not repeat them.

    Your 1st sister is indeed a leech. Don't buy a thing for her anymore. Not even inexpensive stuff. Let her buy for herself or her DH buy for her.

    Disabled sister - if she is independent and capable of her own activities, you dont need to do anything for her. If she is dependent also, your sister (1st sister) and you can share her responsibility equally.

    Mother - she wont change. She wont understand. So don't expect anything. And make it clear to them also to jot expect anything from you.

    Op, dont beat around the bush if they ask you why you didnt get them this or that... Or if they comment that you have changed.

    Just reply straight n firm - "Yes,I changed. Because of the financial losses and stress, my health has gone bad. We have no savings. So much medical expenses. Now I cant afford to give anything. Sorry."

    Repeat this as many times as needed whemever they ask you similar questions.

    After a while they will get tired n stop bugging you. Just like how you got tired of expecting some love from them and now decided to stop expecting anything.

    There maybe tantrums, tears, dramas with bg music and all. Bake some popcorn in your mind and enjoy the free entertainment. At the climax, feel sorry for them and say "I Love You" to the 3 musketeers and return to your flinstone world and show the real love to your hubby and kid.
     
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  2. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    Op, now that you are visiting India for health reasons, I would suggest you to handle people diplomatically. Dont tell them directly that you cant help or spend on them anymore. Say you will try, but dont even try. Just forget about their demands. If you will give negative feelings at the time of your visit, they will make you more sick with arguments.

    They actually dont need any help from you henceforth as they are all financially sound. It is you who now need them during your India stay. So deal accordingly. Dont discuss money matters. Priority should be your health, husband and kids.
     
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  3. Afresh

    Afresh Gold IL'ite

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    @anivijay ,

    I can understand this constant need for validation from your mother and family that you go through.This is the good part but the sad part is that you need to leave this feeling and bury it forever, because no amount of your goodness is going to elicit the response you seek from them and you are only going to be ending up in this cycle of getting hurt and again trying to be good to get their concurrences and love.
    The feeling that you go through is a very emotional one, because at a very crucial juncture in your life you lost your dad and placed yourself on to the altar of sacrifice, most probably, preached by your family and loved ones themselves.
    BY , constantly telling you that you are mature and capable, they have emotionally blackmailed you to be restricted to providing support to them and being within their realm of influence. I don not say that they did this intentionally, but this is all how human relationships work and also societies made with different individuals as everyone has different ways of coping(emotionally or ow) with their situations or losses ( read mom here).

    Maybe , I am just speaking on a hypothetical tangent--- you'll know whether this has been the reality or not, but you might have always since childhood, not felt completely requited in your quest for the motherly love, which then you have constantly tried to receive through your actions.

    Now , maybe it's time to close this chapter and move on, deliberately ,to thank the almighty for all the blessings in your life in terms of your husband an d children, and divert your attention there.
    It's not easy but the thicker a exterior you'll maintain and stay as distant as possible from the matters that rattle you, the more happier you'll feel.

    Not to get your expectations up, but , if you really distance yourself from all this emotional mess, in fact any kind of emotional mess that gets you stressed, you'll realise an unburdening and sometimes this unburdening can actually get communicated to your folks too and they might get to be more appreciative than they ever have been.:hearteyes:!
    Lots of hugs to you and i pray that you feel better soon

    You do need to find activities to concentrate on and change the objectives of your life to actually go through this.
    to make a start, Why don't you try recording your positive thoughts everyday on the positivity thread here on IL.
    You'll notice that the world will smile with you when you smile :smile:

    Ohh , the most important thing i should mention is that
    1. allow yourself the grieving , privately or ow, to start the healing process.
    2. Do not do things for others, especially the ones who cause you pain, out of your comfort zone, if not an emergency.-----------this is absolutely required if you want to insulate yourself. This means that do only those actions, which come out of your own volition and do not have any element of coercion

    Once you learn the art of letting go, you would realise that you can be happy and unburdened!
    Take Care!!
    Lots of healing and hugs
     
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  4. anivijay

    anivijay Gold IL'ite

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    Afresh,
    Thanks for your reply. If we analyse the issue in psychological angle, it got so many layers and goes deep.

    I never felt love of my dad. I was not beautiful as per social norms. I was chubby,brownish,small eyes and not a sharp nose resembled my dad very much.My 1st sister was slim,fair,big eyes ,sharp nose like my mom. Once i heard my father telling my sister eat little otherwise you will become like Anitha. I heard this from next room.

    We were a joined family so usual in law problems for my mom. From very young age(7), she used to tell everything to me. I never felt I was a child as far as I could remember. My sister is 5 years younger to me and the eldest in my generation. All cousins are 7,10,20 years younger to me. So I heard "you are the eldest. You should be responsible" all the time by all. There were times they treated my last aunty as child and me as adult.

    Since my mom tells all her problem to me, I feel like I was her protector. If anyone says anything about my mom, I would go and argue. Used to think my mom has no one. If not me who would support her?

    My mom never noticed this distance between me and dad , he was like that till he died in heart attack at the age of 45. But I was longing for his love and attention. I did all I could. I couldn't change my appearance. I tried and reduced my weight.I studied hard. Scored 100 in maths in 10th. All my dad could say was " if you score 100, it doesn't mean you r an expert in maths". I got a decent marks in +2. I didn't get engineering seat in govt quota. But got place in private college. But he was in debt after constructing a house. I went to arts college. He used to hurt me as for as I remember. He used to collect this Parker or other expensive pens. I was like his PA maintaining files, fills ink, attends and note down his phone calls and I had locker keys. Once he was displaying all these pens to my sis and told he would give one particular pen to her if she goes to MBBS. I was there ,he didn't tell me anything. I remember I went to college and cried for one whole day.

    No one ever told me I was pretty even I didn't believe. My mom never let me wear any good clothes saying if you keep it safe ,sister could wear. But she would use them for rough use.
    I used to save my pocket money and buy sarees for my mom. When I was little ,she had only 2 silk sarees and not many good sarees. Sometimes she used to borrow from my aunts. So I save and buy for her when I was in college. Once i go to work, every Xmas I would buy silk sarees for her. Now a days it become silk cotton as she prefer that.

    I loved my mom and I thought it's default that she loves me back as well. I never asked for jewls, clothes, studied hard ,responsible how could you not love a daughter like this? knew that her first preference is disabled sister. But reality hurts...

    What to do?
     
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  5. Moochi

    Moochi Bronze IL'ite

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    @anivijay dearie lots of hugs to you. You've poured your heart out here.

    About your dad... What were his reasons you will never know. If you believe in afterlife I'm sure your dad will be smiling down on you as you have done what is actually his duty towards his family. You will have blessings from your dad and God. Don't worry.

    Your mother will surely acknowledge to herself atleast what a pillar of support you've been. You played the role of protector and son to her. If she were to suddenly accept you needed help all these years be it emotionally or financially.... She will feel failed as a mother. She may not let you know know this. But she is suppressing this thought that you are vulnerable... So that she need not feel guilty of not helping you.

    I hope you get what I mean. You grew up too soon too fast. Now you cannot bear I it burden anymore. Your despair is completely justified. But the status quo has been set. You can not expect it to change drastically.

    View them in this lens. You will understand their behaviour. You pampered, spoiled them all these years. They are used to it. They won't change.

    You are the one who should change. You should pour your love into your kids and husband. How do you think they will feel if your mother and sisters are more important to you...your kids are your priority now. Your husband has been supportive till you were down financially as you mentioned.... So cherish him too. Im telling this because you mentioned he is good to you before the financial crisis.

    Take care of your health. You love them... And please know in their heart they do knlw how much you've done for them. They don't want to acknowledge it. You have to accept it.

    Lots of hugs to you...
     
  6. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Unfortunately, you are partially responsible for their greed. Because even when you were struggling you helped them and it raised their expectations. Now,if you tell them about your financial problems, they are not going to understand it. Instead they may blame, that you are acting like a miser , even behind your back (also, she is a millionaire and acting like a pauper) . So keep your expectations low.

    So its time to act.

    when you go to India, buy a box of chocolate, that's all. (if you dont want that it ok), just behave like you are there for treatment, and focus on your health and treatment. Observe their reaction.

    Dress like you are living in India. Nothing posh. ( I do that very consciously. I wear what I used to wear in India matching with others there. My relatives ask me you don't look like one from US!, you look like someone living in India. I cannot blame them, I know some people who show off very well when they visit India. Anyway I haven't faced any financial issues like you did, they all treat me well)

    Dont talk about your finance. If they demand something just listen and leave it through other ear . Dont deny, dont give any expectations.

    If you feel that some one really need help only then help. If not no need to help. You can tell them everything is available in India now. If you really like to gift, buy small simple things from India/usa.

    If you want to buy something, just buy, dont show that to them

    Keep your expectations low, If they give some thing, appreciate it even if its small. If they dont, no need to talk about that to anyone. Don't compare it with what others got. You cant expect everyone to treat you the way you want to, including your mom. Give your time, not money to them.

    Treat everyone with love and respect like you used to do. Limit your talk to usual topics. Avoid talking about past or issues. If someone is part of your destiny they will be with you, even when you don't have anything. Other are not worth spending your time or energy.

    Focus on your health and your own family. Try to be happy and peaceful by limiting your contact with all negative people.

    Hugs to you, cheer up girl.
     
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2019
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  7. confused4sure

    confused4sure Silver IL'ite

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    you have had a tough life.. and done well for yourself.
    you have a beautiful family.. and a successful career.
    focus on these... focus on things that you can have an impact on.

    I understand that you feel bad (I have my own issues that are very similar to yours), but the more you focus on other things and get busy, the less you think about these things. Plan family vacations to places other than India... even within India, plan to take kids around to other places with just you and husband. Try to minimize the amount of time you spend, so you do not get emotionally drained.

    Reading your posts, my genuine feeling is that you cannot change your past, mom, siblings or their perspective/expectations of you. If you cannot change it, start to slowly move past them emotionally... at least this will bring you peace.
     
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  8. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    As an NRI I faced this too. For sentiment, some childhood feelings, we go over and beyond, extend and go to absurd lengths to find and buy gifts for family but this is not understood nor appreciated. Relatives accept gifts and assume it was easily available in corner shop hence you brought! If you spent a lot of money in gifts they wont think 'oh she spent so much, how she will manage'. They will think 'oh she must be having so much extra! see how she is able to spend so lavishly just for one trip... just how many sackfuls is she raking in monthly? Then jealousy plus 'poor me' type of mindset. None of this is said explicitly. But in the way they talk and express their expectations slowly it becomes evident. I do agree your lavish gifts caused unintended misunderstandings.

    You need to understand that you cant get through to your mom. Glass door is correct. Her plate is too full. She doesnt have the mental space to take your woes in. Or, your problems seem simple to her, easily solvable, requiring an attitude adjustment on your part since she believes your husband is a saint. So simple still you wont do it so she has no sympathy for you.

    Going forward, dont hide the problems your spending caused in your marriage. Be frank. Aren't they your family? Just casually state the truth. I suspect the way you hid it is caused misunderstandings. You cut short saying it is separate issue, unrelated etc, but she thinks you only did something wrong to cause problems with your hubby. Because you dont want to admit that to her you are saying it is unrelated matter.

    Your sis disabled condition is a big issue for Mom. She and other sis have decided that you will handle that just like you handled other family matters till now. Clarify indirectly who will take care of the disabled sister. Dont go for sentiment and say yes. This two steps will greatly reduce their expectations towards you. The back and forth about sari and gifts is not worth it. Cut that tangle. After so much even if they give you wont be able to enjoy. That item will only give you a guilty feeling. Ignore all the taunts and comments and as others suggested, keep focus on your medical tests and health issue. Have a peaceful trip
     
  9. Afresh

    Afresh Gold IL'ite

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    Yup dear! You do understand the layers!
    You have been very brave to write above, all that you have felt over the years.
    This is really brave and your first step to your healing.
    Childhood wounds are the most difficult to fill and the scars/scabs will always remain, till when you embrace them and give up on expectations from others, gnawing at you to just pry them open!
    Also i may like to add here, as children what we imbibe may not really be what our parents wanted to communicate but, then children are children and thus ,we end up being adults with all insecurities in life.
    Thus, Now on, you need to be even more careful to tend to them and remove them from your heart , so that you have no worries in the future for letting these wounds open and spoil your mental peace and balance.
    I am so glad you realise this.
    You are just so beautiful , once when you see the heart with which you have gone about fulfilling your duties and expectations of others from you. They could easily take you for granted because you never gave them a reason for worrying about you and your failing.
    Let this exterior go now, just focus on insulations for now.
    I hope the grieving to get a closure begins now. I am there , do send me a pm if you feel like discussing anything further.
    I also would like to add, given that what you suffered and still feel a victim of , because of your childhood circumstances, you should be doubly aware of not passing on your insecurities to your child.
    He/she deserves better and all the strength. Especially in the wake of your reference to your mom's saying all her feelings when you were little and you feeling responsible for her, you need to ensure that you try and not repeat this cycle with your next gen.
    We are all after all a product of nature and nurture . If we keep on giving positive nourishment , e would eventually grow a healthier happier hearth.
    But to get to that, we need to stem the Rot within us, to give us a fresh start.
    Of course, if there was a way that , those close to you could remove those feelings within you by admitting once in a while their actions had hurt you, it would be all so easy.
    But, its a given , every individual holds his/her happiness inside of oneself and that's how it should be. These dependencies are created artificially. We ourselves alone are enough to ensure our happiness.
    So you need to take all steps like advised by others and me to preserve your sanity and also you owe it to your child and husband. You are aware of your own blessings, just summarise them for yourself first.
    Lots of hugs to you darling and let all these sadness melt away from your heart.
    I d o understand you.
    And if from nothing else, but here, the response to your thread here should convince you about your beauty inner and outer. Everybody, thanks to everyone who posted here, has said that you have done your duty and how, now is the time to work upon and live for yourself.
     
  10. sweetsmiley

    sweetsmiley Platinum IL'ite

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    very wise words. Lesson everyone should learn :)
     

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