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Am i expecting more from them?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Bagiya, Jul 7, 2010.

  1. Bagiya

    Bagiya New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    i am awaiting for divorce. I live with my daughter along with my father and brother. My mom died before my marriage. As soon i married my father and brother was struggling for food as they were not happy with food from outside. so they asked my inlaws whether i can stay with my father and brother as my inlaws house was 2 kms away from my house. Since then i am living with them. After my delivery also continued to stay with them. My husband also agreed to this. But i did not know his intention that time, that is different story. Finally i applied for divorce and will get my papers in 2 months.
    My relationship with my brother was good, but will have fights also. He is talks harsh sometime but he takes care of my daughter properly. I am working. I purchased a house, getting the share from my father property. We all discused saying my father property will be given to my as i got the share. this new house will be registerd in my name. But banks guys wants my brother name as i dont have much balance after paying my loan. So in end we got it registered in my name and brother's name. But loan is debited from my account. I am got getting money from brother. Now we started searching a girl for my brother. My brother spoke to that girls sister telling abt my situation. I also told her i am with my brother, but after marriage if my brother and his wife feels to live alone i am ok for that. They went saw the girl with my aunt uncle and cousins. I did not go for that as i cannot take leave on that day. The guy and girl spoke, the girl had told that she want to be independant. My brother also said i am ok for that and girls mother had also told that they have keep them seperately. These people agreed and finalised the marriage. they called and told me that they want to keep seperately so we agreed. I said how can you accept it and why you have discuss this on the day of seeing the girl only. Both are asking whats wrong in that. anyway we dicussed about it before only.
    I feel very hurted about this and told i did not like this decision, after engagement or marriage we four could have discussed and decided on that.

    I feel they ditched me. They want someone to cook for them till now. once they got it they have thrown me out.

    Please tell me am i overeating to this. My brother is telling if you troubling like this i will stop this marriage. He had spoken to her saying let us live with her for 6 months or year after i told that i did not like this.

    Please friends tell me am i expecting too much from the brother and father.
     
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  2. RadiantCat

    RadiantCat Gold IL'ite

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    B, I have been reading your case for a long time. My two cents. Learn to live a physically, emotionally and psychologically independent life. You must live such a way that people must be dependent on you. This will help you and your daughter in the long run.
     
  3. Bagiya

    Bagiya New IL'ite

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    Hi Canwait,

    I am not dependent on them anytime. i have told them i moving to bangalore. They only said we all come with you. I was working, my brother was not having job. How can i tell them to stay alone that time so kept quiet. For this house also i only did everything even though my father was with me he did not even help in anything and i was also not worried for that and brother came for house warming ceremony, Brother was working in Hyderabad. later again joined with me in Bangalore. I feel that they were using me for cooking. Now also i have told them i am moving out of this house i know to handle things, but they are not leaving me and torturing me living together. till now not even once they had accompanied me to the court. i only will go and do things. Practically they are dependent on me, but act as if i am dependent on them. In the evening my father is taking care of my daughter. I even put her in extended day care for sometime, he only forced me to take her back.

    Now i have decided to stay in a separate house with my daughter.
     
    Last edited: Jul 7, 2010
  4. sarajara

    sarajara Gold IL'ite

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    HI Bagiya

    You have mentioned that you had to live with your brother and father as they were not having proper food after you got married!

    Please ! is this a reason that you had found to live with them? You say that they dint like the outside food and you went and stayed with them and now you say that they are trying to use you as a cook

    IMO i feelthat they did not want to leave you alone after getting seperated from your husband.

    What would your stand be if you were in a position to marry a guy who had only father and a divorcee sister with her son/daughter?

    Its a simple arrangement to avoid unwanted complications in relationships.Your brother can have his own life and i do not see any problem with them living seperately in the same city or a different place.

    Reasons:


    1. The new person does not know you - she needs time to understand the family and the situations
    2. Newly weds deserve their own privacy and they might not feel comfortable with a sister at home and them enjoying life in front of you
    3. Possibilities of lots of misunderstandings to happen between you and your SIL just because its a new relationship for both of you.
    4. Not consulting you for answering the girl - He ( your brother) did not do any injustice to you - he did not leave you alone - your father is there with you right? ( that is wat i understood from your post) I said how can you accept it and why you have discuss this on the day of seeing the girl only. - Yes this needs to be discussed out right in the beginning - because you would be living your life with your father and brother ( until you decide on getting married to another person - which is another uncertainty). the way of life needs to be discussed right in the beginning to make things clear and avoid any problems in future. Also - why do you want you to be consulted about your brother living with his wife seperately post his marriage? Are you trying to hold reigns on him?I feel it is his personal issue and its better that he stays sepertely with his wife.Its good for every one.
    5. One main question - do you want your ancestral property and the house all belong to yourself? DO you mean to say that you own the whole of your fathers house as you have paid the money for it?Is your concern about being with your brother or holding on tothe house and your rights on him?
    I am sorry if i had been rude Bagiya. But Every one who is married has a right to have their own privacy. To avoid any issues in married life its better to let the newly weds face the married life on their own. with in a time span both the sides would have come to an understanding of each other and living together can be thought of at that point.

    Try to understand that your brother and father wanted to be with you for a moral support and did not want to leave you alone . Now that your brother is getting married he wants you as well as himself to be away from problems and he is tryiong to see a way of life where in the basic root cause of all problems could be avoided.

    Please stop distrusting your own flesh and blood. It would land you nowhere than being confused about every one around you.

    since you had mentioned that you had decided to live with your daughter alone - you can make arrangements for that - CW had been telling you that you need to live independently ( i am not talking the money here, its all about mental independence or mental strength)

    I think you are in a confused and irritated mental state and all that you need is to calm down before you think of anything or any one to analyse.

    Again I tell you please do not look at people with a negative perception.
     
  5. Bagiya

    Bagiya New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    No this house is not my ancestral property i brought this house from my salary, They gave me the share from the other house. i have given the written statement saying that i don't have any share from my father house. So they have that house.

    They came and asked my in laws to allow me to stay with them as they suffer.

    The same scenario happened to me that i have to get married to a guy where his mom is a widower and sister is a divorcee, I accepted for that marriage, i did not ask whether his sister will live us or not nor my parents asked them. But finally It did not happen as the guys character was not good.

    For you information i only told them they can stay alone after marriage if they feel so. why is talk of independent comes here, what it means. if suppose i am getting married and moving away, what will happen to my father. Dont you think that girl telling i want to be independent includes my father also.
     
    Last edited: Jul 7, 2010
  6. brahan

    brahan Platinum IL'ite

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    Baggya,

    Definitely you are Expecting more. What your Brother did is perfect. Its better to talk to the girl in the beginning itself about this.

    You are just thinking about Yourself. Think from your Brothers view also. Since they would be newly Married, they would expect some Privacy.

    Its better they stay away from you. Also you have your Dad to support and help.


    Cheers,
    Brahan
     
  7. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Bagiya... my answer is YES.I guess you're trying to fight your dad's battle & worried that he doesn't turn into a liability in case you find a suitable partner who agrees to keep only daughter and then where does the dad go.......... leave his battle to him and his son, when they can take a decision to get an independent bride they are answerable for their future as well.

    You sound to be pretty strong and clear in your decisions however your dad and bro are trying to make the best of their available resources.. which is you, your house and your cooking.. also by living with them, you get an emotional/ social support... and if not then move out. Until then its a mutual benefit.. hence no question of dumping and ditching.
    You agreeing to move into your dad's house for cooking food for them and leaving your marital home is totally debatable topic and really wonder if a happily married lady will choose it willingly (will it not mean running away from your marital duties and not able to accept the status of married and slowing down on relations with FOO).

    "i did not ask whether his sister will live us or not nor my parents asked them. "
    I dont want to hurt you or anyone but an individual's choice of bride or groom comes out of their self assessment and whether they can get it or no... and probably it never strikes to many of us till we taste it. Some parents and individuals are very very careful/ choosy & picky on what they want from their life partner and are in no hurry to pack off the bundle.........

    In all I would say.. either make it clear that
    1) you and your daughter will live separate henceforth.
    2) they will have to take father's resp in case you get married and your husb doesn't agree on father as a package.
    3) You'll take things as they come without bitter feelings for anyone.
     
  8. sarajara

    sarajara Gold IL'ite

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    Bagiya,

    I go with shilpa ma

    She has reflected what i was about to tell
     
  9. Bagiya

    Bagiya New IL'ite

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mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:3.0pt; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:3.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:1.55in; text-align:justify; text-indent:-.35in; line-height:12.0pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--> Yes i am a fool to come to cook for them that’s why i am hitting myself for that now. Husband was also traveling all the time. He also not worried about staying in my father's house. That time my brother was studying so i was so concerned about him than my life nor husband. My father also doesn’t do any work as he was not used to keep coffee cup in the washing place. So i was more concern about them than my life or husband. When i was carrying, i used check all the paper for opening for my brother. I will only take print out from browsing center and send to the company.

    Now when i think of getting married first before my brother what if his marriage get delayed they will struggle again, that why i post ad in website found the proposal and arrange things for him. My father will not do anything as he has not taken responsibility from the beginning. For my marriage also my mother only searched and did lot. I still remember that When she was asked to get operated, she said first my daughter marriage get fixed then i will get operated as i don’t want to leave her with this people. I only forced her to get her operated, but all in went vain.

    When my mom was in hospital i only have to take her to hospital check up, everything, my brother won’t come at all, after everything over he will come and just sit. One day i had taken food for my mother from my aunt's place, my brother came from our house which 10 kms away from hospital, he was just lying down in the attendees bed and order me to get juice. It only have to cook food in my aunt place also, then in hospital i did not get juice i had to walk a kilometer and get him juice. My mom also did not say anything nor my father. I really don’t know why i love my brother so much.

    I used save my pocket money and give him for his expenses. I know about my brother's selfish character but i could thrown him out. I thought atleast he will take care of my father in future but now i don’t feel so.

    i know they(new couple) should have independency but that doesn’t mean they have to thrown other. I just want to share my feeling to all. It’s all his decision it is his life. I feel i was not that smart during my marriage, i should have considered about my life more than other. Its my mistake, i wont blame anybody. Who will not use if someone voluntarily offer some help.

    Thank you all for the reply.
     
    Last edited: Jul 7, 2010
  10. RadiantCat

    RadiantCat Gold IL'ite

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    B, Stop-it. You have a life and you must take care of your life and daughter. If men at home are irresponsible you must not bother. It is time you take charge of your life and carry on with your life. Learn to say No.
     

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