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Am I Doing Something Wrong ?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by EagerForInfo, Aug 15, 2021.

  1. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    OP is emancipated way beyond the "money is man's job" level. IIRC, he got his green card due to marrying her.
     
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  2. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP, even if you give millions of dollars to your H, do you think he is going to treat you well.
    He is gas lighting and manipulating you. Sorry to say you fell into his trap by revealing what you have. That is exactly what he was trying to do. So you have to maintain silence evenif he provoke you.

    You should have 401K. You can add supplementary plan. You can add close to 20 K per year to 401K.
    Another one is to start Roth IRA. You can add 6000 per year to it.
    But the above will be devided equally if you go for divorce or seperation

    Another way is to start 529 college plan in your name for your kids. That he can't touch I believe. For the above you can contact banks like BoF America /Mertil Edge etc. They will guide you.
    One way to help mortgage is to add an amount to pricipal every month in addition to your mortgage payment.
    If you don't have a car buy one for you.
    But protect your money for you in case of emergency. Once you reveal it to H, its gone I guess.

    You need to really plan yiur life ahead to live your life even if you decide to stay with your H or leave him. Use your brain well.

    Do you know how much your H has? Ideally, you both have to discuss and solve it. If he cant provide transparency, how will you trust him?
    Looks like you dont know exactly what you want in your life and your boundaries. You are living in the past. Its done. Also, expecting some miracle to change your husband. Focus on your life, plan your future and keep your mouth shut even if he try to provoke you. Dont explain or give details to him.
     
    Last edited: May 21, 2022
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  3. rosequeen

    rosequeen Bronze IL'ite

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    Hopefully you are reading my previous posts, in many US states alimony is history. In OP case she is already working so very little chance. Check previous post on CS, many states are adopting a shared parenting plan with CS amount going down to pennies in case of 50-50 custody. Worse if husband loses job and then divorces, she has to pay him money. Free calculators available online to get an idea. Half of all assets is also not true in most states. It all depends on how the husband has invested/gifted and what financial agreements OP has co-signed with her hubby.

    Have you checked any men's divorce forum? 90% + posts are on how to protect your assets against 50-50 split. If her hubby was smart enough to cheat her for GC he probably has planned well.

    Men are also getting smarter, they are installing recording devices, tracking physician visits, attending parent teacher meetings etc. to try and show women are unfit mothers and they are good fathers

    Its important not to give a rosy picture on finances after divorce. Most women are shocked by reduced standard of living post divorce
     
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  4. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    I do not agree with this. I am sorry but you are suggesting an abusive life over poor standard of living. I grew up in 1 bedroom with 1 brother and parents and gradma , 18 years. I still do not consider that as poor standard of living. it was the best time of my life. OP can change her life style and live respectfully though less lavishly.

    If men are getting smarter and tracking physician visits, attending parent teacher meetings etc. that means they are responsible fathers whose spouses are not good.

    read OP history, her h is completely useless .

    also again the same statement. OP can document everything you said for next 6 months and show she is the primary parent. she can win primary legal and physical custody, in that case her H has to give her child support. OP seems like a responsible parent, she can plan ahead.

    not every fight has to goto divorce ,but when you lurk around a forum with the same question for years. the answer is right front of OP.

    how to save assets and custody for seperation is completely differnt question
     
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  5. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I’ve seen this play out both ways. Enough divorces have happened around me to know that men have a higher burden to prove the unfitness of the mother. They can prove they are equal parents which is a totally different ball game. That’s their right and I’m happy fathers are showing up to schools and Drs appointments.

    Let’s talk about child support. It’s a measly sum. It has always been that way. It’s not a new revelation. Child support is not meant to be an income generator. It’s not meant to be a deterrent for a divorce either.

    Now, asset split. It’s uneven when one person has worked throughout the marriage and the other hasn’t and didn’t have things like child rearing or other caregiving to worry about. Which is fair. It’s not a doomsday scenario like you have been projecting. It has always been the case. Which is why lawyers make money. If everything was straightforward then the legal profession wouldn’t be around.

    I know of men who want to leave marriages and are given the run around in the US because of a spouse who isn’t willing to mediate for child custody or asset sharing. I feel like the odds are still stacked against those who want to leave bad marriages but also have to be good parents, especially when the spouse isn’t willing to let go.

    So no, the odds are not now being stacked against women alone to make them have to put up with nonsense.

    The laws are evolving to make it fairer for those fathers who have put in the effort and will continue to be real fathers. That’s how it should be. Fathers getting joint custody and helping raise their children are what children in split families need. These laws benefit the kids. They don’t take away from them or their mothers.

    And as always, every state and county is different. Every judge is different. Which is why people need to consult with lawyers rather than get legal opinion from a forum.
     
  6. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    The odds are stacked in favor of whichever spouse had the foresight to gather and save evidence.

    If divorce is a possibility, save receipts, credit card statements, bank statements. Maintain and preserve diaries that show attendance at medical and school-related appointments. Check local laws and, if permitted, set up nanny cams in the home. It's better to have the evidence and not need it than to need the evidence and not have it.

    Consult an attorney long before you announce your intentions. In fact, if you're in a troubled marriage, consult an attorney even if you don't plan to file for divorce — your spouse may be planning an exit without giving you advance warning.

    No court is going to rule in your favor simply on your say-so.
    .
     
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  7. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    Sadists derive immense satisfaction in confrontations. They wait& cease for opportunity to dialogue and prod the other to say harsh words thus turn vitriolic. He must be examined by a shrink to be certified suitably!
    I empathise for your situation. Get rid of such atmosphere soon where u are impelled to spend all moments in disharmony fretting & fuming.

    God Bless.
     
  8. EagerForInfo

    EagerForInfo Gold IL'ite

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    I have never even asked him to buy this house. I told him with a one year old baby with no help I cannot help him in any way. I have asked him to sell the house in many cases. Instead he is taking loans on house. Who knows what he’s doing with that money. He does not listen to me .


    Yes something is seriously off here. I have never asked him for anything in my married life. Baby shower , anniversaries nothing !On the counter he is always interfering in my chores saying I’m feeding kids too late too early too much too less.

    How do I find out what’s wrong here. Something is definitely wrong. Husband should be the first person to go for help support or if I am in trouble. But he is the last person. If kids are burning with fever instead of helping he starts yelling I’m not putting proper clothes on them.

    . Seriously contemplating divorce this week.
     
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  9. EagerForInfo

    EagerForInfo Gold IL'ite

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    The thought did come up. Please give suggestions for nanny cams. I searched online but don’t know which one will suit my needs. Please advise. Even after we separate I think look at the videos it will avoid regrets and me missing him or feeling bad about her situation. I do want to record things going on at home.
     
  10. EagerForInfo

    EagerForInfo Gold IL'ite

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    Actually just now he said he is selling the house.
     

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