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Am I Doing Something Wrong ?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by EagerForInfo, Aug 15, 2021.

  1. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    He is trying to control you.
    Dont yield to his demands as he already revealed his true colors. Use the word NO in a cool way. Dont fight or argue. Ask him about his total salary. No court will ask you to provide more than you earn. Estimate your monthly expense ( credit cards, mortgage, other expenses ). If your family ( not include personal expense here) expense is $5000 for example, if he earn 130K and you earn 70 K. You are supposed to provide 70/200=35% ideally as a housemate . So pay only 35% of $5000 per month.
    Thats the maximum you can pay even if you are a room mate. As a wife there is no fixed numbers if you both agree to it.
    If he asks you to pay full amount, ask him to give you full access to that account and make it a joint account. If he is not willing, you dont have give any money that way.

    I mentioned these numbers above to give an idea about it. Its up you to decide whats best for you. We know only your side. He is not treating you as his wife and dont have any relationship like that with you, so be professional and treat him that way as a housemate. But is it good for kids? I suggest you to consult a counsellor( EAP will cover it as you are working ), to prepare yourself if you like to exit or deal with this situation better. Talking to a professional will give clarity on the choices you can make ( I suggested it as its a normal thing in USA and you dont need to tell anyone as its just for your clarity and to empower you. Same way you can consultant an attorney and know the steps involved).
     
    Last edited: May 20, 2022
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  2. EagerForInfo

    EagerForInfo Gold IL'ite

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    Got an idea. Since stocks are low I will tell him I want to invest as much money as I can in 401k plan. That way I will have less money in my account. Fighting might be postponed till we reach retirement.
    Or going back to India with some excuse or the other. Even if I put $1000 from my paycheck in 401k will end up with $900 in my pocket. After kids classes and food and other necessities like medicines it will be done. I will do a direct deposit of all paycheck into his account. The reason I don’t want to give him all my paycheck is for safety and savings purposes only I am not a spendthrift…. I will not spend it anyways unless necessary. So what is the difference between the money being in my account versus a 401k. If I ever need money in future for kids studies or house I can tap into 401k. ( of course with penalty but at least it will not be wasted )

    So total paycheck or pay coming to hand will be 2900$ and if I deposit entire amount to his account no worries. He will have to give me a credit card or pay for kids classes. And this will avoid accusations of what I am doing with the money too !

    Please offer ur opinion on this. I think this will solve my plight. According to my opinion it is the best time to invest in stocks. Not pay off house or buy car. He is bluffing me I’m sure. Why he never thought of paying off the house till I got a job and he needs money to pay off house from me ? Yeah right.

    Sometimes I think it’s genuine. But he could have paid off the house instead of buying a Tesla. When he is working two jobs why he does not know that but remembers when I start working ?? But history repeats. When I first got married I ended up spending all I have on him with nothing in return.

    If I invest in 401k it will be less accessible for him too.
    Yes it’s a small amount of money but causing havoc in our lives. Very embarrassing actually.

    Please offer suggestions on this idea.
     
    Last edited: May 20, 2022
  3. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    @chanchitra madam. I had the same Question to her.

    I wonder what is the definition of good dad in your books EagerForInfo . If he cannot feed his own kids.
    you know what you have to do. this is is not the first time you are posting this question.
     
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  4. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    this is just band aid over them main wound. any idea is good idea in that case
     
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  5. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes. We all gave her the only solution possible in all her previous posts.
    Leave him before he kills you
     
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  6. lakshmi888

    lakshmi888 Silver IL'ite

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    @chanchitra, you are so right !!

    most abused women justify their abusive husbands who are actually dead beat father too as a good dad...

    their children grow up into adults who accept such abuse as normal from their spouses as they have seen their mother accepting abuse and still being with dead beat father/ abusive husband and the cycle continues..these people need deep clinical therapy....


    what good father he is -----------------he does not do a thing for children ( not feeding them, throwing their food away, not giving them medication, cursing mother for kids tantrums, not even buying food for sick mother of their own progeny) ???

    some of us ladies can only do our good KARMA by investing time in reading their sad story and by telling these people the truth...

    its these women's karma on how their future will unfold based on their wrong or right karmic decisions.
     
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  7. rosequeen

    rosequeen Bronze IL'ite

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    401K is a very good idea, but please invest in stable dividend paying funds as market may crash for some time. I have few other suggestions, 401K will come up for 50-50 split in case of divorce and its a hassle to argue otherwise. On the other hand companies match a % of 401K, so makes sense to take full advantage of it. See also if you can give out money as gift/medical expense to your relatives/parents and ask them to invest on your behalf. Gifts are not considered marital property.

    Why don't you also think of selling the house and moving to apt or smaller home? Sounds like money is a concern for you

    You should also directly talk to your husband and tell him that money is 'mans job' just like he asks you to cook food. In all my friends circle I have never heard of hubby asking wife for money, there is something seriously off here.
     
  8. kavikuyil

    kavikuyil Bronze IL'ite

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    Investing in 401 right now when your own future in this marriage is not sound is a bad idea.

    Why would you tell him you have 17K?? Unless he shared all his accounts and their balances ..

    You are coming up with excuse after excuse to stay in this marriage. I don’t see any way that this marriage will work, unless he wants to goto counselling and work this out.

    Children are better with single parents than parents who fight all the time. Don’t stay for the sake of children, as staying in this marriage is more harmful for them.

    Move your money to couple of different accounts and tell him you paid off some of the money u had borrowed from friends when u needed to buy grocery when u weren’t working. Stand your ground that this 2000 is all you will give.
    You need to have a year worth of yours and kids expenses saved to run a household in case you need to live on your own. Start building that emergency fund.
     
  9. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    @EagerForInfo .I don't know whose name the house is.
    But you will get half of all assets during separation.
    You will get alimony, child support also.
    Please consult a lawyer. Initial phone consultation will free.
     
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  10. kavikuyil

    kavikuyil Bronze IL'ite

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    this!!
     
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