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Am I Doing Something Wrong ?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by EagerForInfo, Aug 15, 2021.

  1. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    I understand.
    I meant her suggestion is so nice, everyone needs to implement it
     
  2. Ramyarc

    Ramyarc Silver IL'ite

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    Hello OP

    even though you have complained about your husband there are a couple of good things you said about him. I gather that he works two jobs, helps you by feeding breakfast to kids.

    I agree that buying tesla is a bit much but I believe he has worked hard for it. Buying things for mom and brother is also not bad at all. The problem is that he doesn’t spend on you. During pregnancy it’s possible he did not want you to overeat although the way he ensured this is bad…

    Coming to your salary he wants you to show your expenses. I don’t think there is anything wrong in that. I guess his fear is that you will not spend your money wisely. So do keep the 1900 with you agree to share your monthly expenses. Do assure your DH that you won’t spend unnecessarily and will consult him for big ticket purchases. Hopefully this will de-escalate the situation.

    believe me OP- all husbands who earn well say things like “my car” “my TV” ….. Doesn’t mean they are bad ppl. They feel they have worked hard and so are invested in these material things. Be patient - your salarywill increase over time and your husband’s faith is your budgeting skills will also strengthen over time.

    Although i do have similar fights with my hubby, we both agree that couples should never fight about money. It sours the relationship and there is no going back.

    So very important to discuss and find an agreeable solution if you need this marriage to work.
     
  3. citygirl

    citygirl New IL'ite

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    I don’t think you are wrong, contribute a percentage as you have planned towards the joint household expenditure, rest save or use as you see fit.

    He can’t expect you to give him your whole salary when he didn’t share his earnings with you when you were not employed. Trust has to be earned and from what you have said, he hasn’t.
     
  4. sangeeta098

    sangeeta098 Bronze IL'ite

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    Stop paying a single penny to this undeserving husband. It’s more like a roommate relationship.
    Paying 50% is bringing all this yelling etc. Let him yell more, stay strong & donot pay him.
    Put all your family members on video conference and everyone know how well he is treating you. Let the whole world know. He does not deserve any respect and its ok to put him down and get some votes on your side. Make sure you are ready to handle this scenario. Once he knows you are not going to take it, theres no looking back for you. You have to take a stand for yourself and for your kids.
     
    Bubbles and chanchitra like this.
  5. EagerForInfo

    EagerForInfo Gold IL'ite

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    I am already paying $2000 for expenses. The reason for this is I don’t want him to get into the habit of buying whatever his heart desires and ask me to contribute for it. Are household expenses more than $4000. Even now I am paying other expenses like groceries when I go out kids classes out of the $1900 I have What else he wants. If he can’t manage it he needs to reduce his expenses. I am not his rescue for his lavish expenses. Why should I tell him what I do with my money !? Has he told me what he has been doing with his ?
     
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2021
  6. Daddysgirl

    Daddysgirl Senior IL'ite

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    Don't give ur full hard earned money to him. U r not at all wrong. If he wishes to spend money on his mom, bro, sis then why he won't spend money on his wife and kids. I know how it feels in this situation. As u decided give half expenses only
     
  7. EagerForInfo

    EagerForInfo Gold IL'ite

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    Then should I give him nothing as he has done for me all these years. I have just taken 0 per cent credit cards and rotated all these years paying whatever I can when I can. Should I do the same for him. Instead of giving him $2000 directly I will pay bills directly for that amount. He bought whatever his heart desires all these years with his money with no concern to my needs all these years so I will do the same.
     
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  8. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Why dont you leave him or ask him to move out if you are unhappy with him?
    Looks like your home is a war field. All your posts shows your anger and resentment towards your husband and ongoing fights/ arguments. If you dont love or like him why are you going after him again and again. If you stay like a roommate or as a parent, then its 50% of everything. You can consult an attorney to know your rights better. Ideally, the person who earns more should contribute more.
    Take a decision and stay firm. You cant treat him as a roommate and expect him to treat you like a wife.
    No to any kind of abuse. If there is any physical abuse, call 911 and stay safe.
    This environment is not good for your kids or you. Your life and safety is very important. Only then you can take care of your kids.
    Anyway, you know your situation better. You should focus on actions than words. Try to avoid arguments
     
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2022
    Bubbles, Rihana, Mistt and 2 others like this.
  9. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    If you want this marriage with all these issues, start fresh, stop complaining and do something to improve your marriage.

    For that you need to introspect, correct your side ( for example, the way we talk, tone, choice of words, body language, facial expression etc. can make a huge impact.), create a posive atmophere, love yourself, stop complaining, be independent, seek help if needed from counsellor or therapist, focus on your career & kids, define your boundary well, have your own life and live your life. If your husband, dont come to you, then you know what to do. You will still evolve as a smart, independent, strong woman, a great mother and person who can conquer anything.

    Reason : you can control only yourself and your response and not others or your husband. Also, past cant be reversed. Its done. No one is perfect or 100% right all the time.

    Otherwiss, stay like this, do nothing, face the consequences and suffer like this. Venting wont help much.

    One of the recipe for disaster is when we get busy with so many things or over the years, many forget their role as lover or partner to our spouse instead behave like mother/father/ owner/ hostel warden. No one likes a controlling spouse.

    My point is... if you decide to stay why dont make it easy on you and be happy with what you have.

    Or seperate & move on and live your life.

    Note: I wont ask anyone to stay in a marriage if there is Addiction, Abuse or Adultery. Choice is yours. I posted here after reading your recent posts on similar topics. Please ignore if its not useful.
     
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2022
  10. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    I have been reading most of your current posts. In all the posts it is clear that you are at war with your husband over almost everything from finance , to kids welfare, to relationship with inlaws etc. So, the main issue is not only him not giving you updates on his spending etc. I wanted to write about what you could do in the circumstances, and found exactly what i wanted to say in DDreams post at No.29. You would do well to follow what she suggests to make life easier for yourself as well as for your husband and kids. Wish you reach an amicable solution to your issues!
     
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