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Am I Doing Something Wrong ?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by EagerForInfo, Aug 15, 2021.

  1. EagerForInfo

    EagerForInfo Gold IL'ite

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    But how do I hide money from him ? I’ve might accuse me of giving all my money to my parents and family. I don’t want my parents to get any blame. Especially the poor folks did not even take a single cent of my before marriage money either ( saying parents should always give money to kids not take money from them ) . They don’t deserve to be blamed or accused of hoarding my money. I’m baffled on what the way out is.
     
  2. EagerForInfo

    EagerForInfo Gold IL'ite

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    But problem with this approach is he commands me to buy what he wants with my money.
     
  3. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    You are in way over your head. I think its too late even to divorce now. <sigh> Just a series of mistakes, and blind belief and refusing to deal with reality.

    Let's recap: Crypto imploded in April, we are staring at a bear market. Probably all his investments tanked, probably now the monthly payments for the tesla and the house are coming due. Sounds to me like he needs money desperately hence the huge fight.

    Read the excellent post by @Laks09 listing the items that are split in a divorce. Crucially for you she forgot to include a big one - Debt. All the debt incurred in a marriage is also split equally, in addition to the assets. If you dump him now you are liable for half his debt. Not just the car and the house payments but all the loans he's taken against the house without your knowledge, I presume the house is in both your names.

    You are in sooo much trouble I can't even begin to describe. It's a hostile takeover situation. Basically you are Parag Agarwal and he's Elon Musk and the company is your kids and assets. The takeover was your marriage. Basically you, OP are married to an inexperienced unreliable guy way out of his depth, who is steadily siphoning off all the money in the partnership with zero accountability and using the partnership to incur debt on debt, some of them without your knowledge or agreement. The guy calls you crazy, does what he wants, and refuses to communicate any financial decisions with you, much less discuss them with you. And your response is to shut your eyes, refuse to use any of the protections available to you as a citizen and an educated emancipated woman of the 21st century, shut out anyone who can hold him accountable, even your own parents, and spend your time looking for pujas and pariharams like an 18th century Indian villager. Meanwhile you are incurring a real doozy of a debt in 21st century America but blissfully oblivious to it. If you go for a divorce now, sure he'll agree. Just remember that come time to divvy things up - the money he's siphoned off for his expenditure, his family etc is untraceable and wont be accounted for, actually doesn't need accounting as he can claim he used it for daily expenses, basically its vanished in thin air, but the debts he has incurred to finance that lifestyle will remain -- against both your names so you are liable for half of it.
    I think a divorce rn is the least of your problems.
     
    Last edited: May 23, 2022
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  4. EagerForInfo

    EagerForInfo Gold IL'ite

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    I meant he might accuse me of giving my parents all the money. My parents are geniuine have never taken even one cent from me. I don’t want them blamed unecessarily.
     
  5. EagerForInfo

    EagerForInfo Gold IL'ite

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    What options do I
    Andyour response is to shut your eyes, refuse to use anyof the protections available to you as a citizen and an educated emancipated woman of the 21st century,
     
  6. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    I don’t know! You know the specifics- what state you are in, what are the details, who signed on what papers, etc.
    Cut out childish queries like this for starters!
    Cut down on the fighting and find a way to communicate. Get an idea about the true state of your finances at least.
    Read up on your state laws governing spousal debt incurred within a marriage. Follow all suggested advice to avoid being tainted by his debt or being held responsible for it.
    Enforce accountability- either go to a wealth management guy or get an expert’s help. Create safeguards for you so he can’t incur further debt on both your names without your permission.
    This is just a start. But you really should consult professionals and lawyers.
     
    Last edited: May 23, 2022
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  7. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    You can use the word NO in a cool way. Or just ignore his commands. What he will do then? Ideally, both of you need to discuss and solve it. If he is not willing to do that, what option you have?
    Looks to me like he needs money to pay off his debts or something else. I guess you have some idea about finances if you have filed tax return jointly.

    I am surprised that you sound so clue less even though you are a smart, educated, employed and financially independent woman. You really need to consult professionals - counsellor( they can also suggest good attorneys from their clients feedback), attorney( they may give free consultation sometimes, they listen and discuss options you have), and financial advisors to protect you and know how to proceed in your state of residence.
    Dont yield and sell house, he needs to clearly explain whats going on. Also, dont sign anything he give you. You need emergency fund. Be smart, plan your future. For that you have to educate yourself well. I dont think IL can guide you on what to do. We can share only some info.

    Why you care about his accusations. He will go to any extent to gaslight you. So dont give the response he is looking for. Dont argue or fight over it. He wants you to do that.

    You have mentioned about divorce. Its a major decision. But there is a stage called ' planing an exit' and assessing the situation before taking a final decision. One of the major step is to get hold of your finances. It is important evenif you decide to stay.
    You get some idea here
    Divorce Planning Checklist: What You Need to Know
    How Parents’ Finances Impact Custody Battles
     
    Last edited: May 23, 2022
  8. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    @EagerForInfo Please stop using this forum any more and go take a free consultation with family lawyer. collect your facts and documents before you.

    you are just acting like an ostrich burying your head inside sand hoping all is well.

    please note all is good with IL feedback but it is not legal feedback. everyone has good intentions.
     
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  9. lakshmi888

    lakshmi888 Silver IL'ite

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    yeah , she is thinking that if she acts like a cat closing her eyes to all troubles in her marriage given by her spouse , everything will become fine...

    her hubby seems to be that kind who besides cursing her everyday seems to be bent on destroying her financially by taking huge combined debts without even telling her..

    also, she does not have to prepare like an exam to consult an attorney...

    even if she is clueless,a good attorney will guide her on every thing...like my attorney guided me as i was clueless too and didn't know a thing...

    i am just doing my good karma by telling about some of my life events as i didn't have any forum to look for any advice
     
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  10. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    HE beats her too
     

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