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Am I doing something wrong?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sm123, Jun 6, 2015.

  1. sm123

    sm123 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hello wonderful Ladies,


    Today I came back here again,confused...


    I havemy own set of share of problems with In-laws(MIL/FIL/SIL) and off course with DH...These days,I started moving on and got a title of "DIL is bad and does not care etc etc"..and on the other hand,DH silent treatments,trying to make me feel bad by giving gifts to SIL or talking to Inlaws,not talking to me etc etc..He says,I am being arrogant and don't take care of kids well,and does not take care of him etc etc,in spite of doing my best in everything..cooking,cleaning,participating in kids school stuff and mostly keeping quiet with fights etc etc..


    Anyway,my today's confusion is,on my family side,his wife is throwing a birthday party to him and we all are going(My family and My brother's family and also my SIL family and few others)..Today I was looking at the photo clips/videos that my Brother's wife made as a surprise to him,wishes etc etc..That all made me realize that,how much happy I was before marriage..Though ours is love marriage,I feel their bonding is stronger..I know its stupid to compare like that,but I feel that I put lots of effort in my marriage and still putting..Don't no what kind of arguments my DH will get me into later,after he sees these videos(meaning,see..your babhi loves all the family and you don't like my sister etc..Believe me,I would love to..but the kind of torture they gave me,i cant move on)..Even though I am trying my best,My DH is still eating my brain everyday..


    To be honest,I don't feel like going there,as I am scare of these family get-together..as if SIL or DH is around,they observe everything..SIL will go and tell MIL that Babhis(me) brother did that and this and my brother(my DH) is not doing that.MIL calls my DH and eats his brain and he in turn eats mine:-(....But I cant avoid going there and DH is a mommy's boy..


    Thats why,I feel comfortable with my own friends who does not do this comparison..but again,DH will be around and says,you mingle with friends and does not talk to my family properly..Believe me,I will talk normally..but wont be really too much into talking(i used to earlier,but they observe each and every word that I talk)


    Don't no whether I am doing good or bad in the long run..My kids talks to their grand parents and my SIL family etc etc..Its just me,who is more like,talk only formal stuff..Just for my own peace...DH says,you will be a orphan later,as no one cares for you..as my side family is busy with their family and inlaws anyway does not talk to me,its more like formal talking both sides..Am I doing something wrong...


    Thanks.
     
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  2. sunshine1970

    sunshine1970 Gold IL'ite

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    You are not doing anything wrong and don't compare your self to others. MY IL always say how my SIL treats my parents and brother better then what I do in their family, but IL should learn to treat my even 10% how my brother wife is treated by my parents and then we can start a discussion. Nothing wrong in keeping limits on communication, in fact best way to protect yourself, this way you can't be blamed for anything. Your DH will get used to it, as mine did.
     
    2 people like this.
  3. priyanka12345

    priyanka12345 Silver IL'ite

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    you cannot compare your life with others. for harmony at home, it depends on both the parties. so dont think what ILs tells that you are bad etc. you are doing that to get peace and which is your right.
    if your bhabhi is behaving well with your parents its because of both parties involved.
    when husband points out how bhabhi behaves with your family , listen to it. later when somethings happen for you where you feel you should be treated well, just comment like your parents do so and so and hence bhabhi is happy. if i could also get such treatment and leave it there.
    i know its diffcult to practice as i am yet not able to acheieve that but may be you could.
    try to make your husband realise your ILs behaviour without complaining or cribbing.
     
    2 people like this.
  4. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    You need to start your own pr.Develop your own pr strategy.
    I faced same situation after marriage only that my husband isnt mommas boy.But my SIL did same to me.She kept pointing out my little little mistakes ,spread lies about my cooking skills,home management etc.

    some tips which may work.

    Do lot of work infront of husband,infront of maid,infront of guest and neighbor.
    Talk sweet to sil,mil infront of everyone.Share you stuff with her.
    On their birthdays buy fancy,expensive (or atlist it should look like it is expensive) gift ,cakes and post pictures of gift and cakes on Face book ,whatsapp.


    When your husband says you dont do this and that point out you do this and that and still they complain.Tell him your mother and sil are type of people who are never satisfied.Dont be shy of posting pics everywhere.Listen this is very important Those photos are proofs of your dids.They play major role in defending yourself.
     
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  5. sm123

    sm123 Bronze IL'ite

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    yeah.Talking to DH nicely,fights,crying many many things I tried...

    One day he said that,he loves his family and he cant talk against them,though he knows that they did wrong sometimes..As his father said(he is an astrologer and he says that he can predict everything).i am very strong headed and arrogant etc etc..(believe me,If i am like that,i would have walked out from this marriage ages back)..so..only option he has and he is ready is to leave me,as I came to his life in the middle...(My FIL told me many times to irk that Blood is thicker than water..shakehead)

    DH has changed to worse over the years and its worse now,he does not talk to me much...except for food/water/etc...otherwise silent treatments to me every day infact.......on the other hand,DH talks to his family for hours..I ignore that also..but whenever these functions happens,this comparison starts(I don't do the comparison)..Its the MIL/SIL/DH does not the comparision. I.I told DH many times that every person has their own life..but all in vain..

    I am trying to grow thick skin so that I can ignore all this...but,i am not able to..as i am so sensitive and DH is the person who is hurting me alot in this..I tried talking to him,but nothing worked..

    I am thinking,am the only person facing these problems or that's how marriage will be..Do I need any counselling?..

    @Yellowmango,@Rihana , @Seethamma , @SGBV and other Sr.Ilites...?
     
  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op....I wish I could write something to improve your situation with husband...but seems like he has always been a like this.12-15 years is too long for him to change...specially when he has said things like "he would leave you for his family".I think you should now become self centred and concentrate of yourself and your kids.

    As for brother's upcoming birthday party.......why do they call your toxic inlaws including the sil when they don't treat you well.They can just call your family.

    Even if every one has to go....and comments are made...why worry?
    You know the truth about your relationship with husband ad in laws.....

    Just say it as it is.

    Yes bhabhi did so many nice things because bhaiya also did amazing things for her....one can't just keep doing without getting anything in return.

    Yes ...my bhaiya does for me because I as a sister don't intrfere and poison his marriage.

    Yes my parents have a loving relationship with my bhabhi because they care for each other .

    Why do you worry so much about those people and their reactions when they cause you nothing but grief?

    Now that invitations have been given....go out there and enjoy with your family of birth....the other one is not really that much fun.

    Hope you have fun at the party .
     
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  7. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op...If I were in your place...I would use this party to send a message across.
    Turn the party into a loving show called ....'my family'.

    Go and give bhabhi a bear hug. Tell her loudly how pretty she looks.
    Encourage bhaiya and bhabhi to get clicked together....you click pictures.
    Tell bhaiya and bhabhi to get clicked with your parents.....then join in and hand over the camera to your husband to click a nice family picture. Show him you will not be the 'orphan'.

    Let it be a lesson to your in laws ...how a family should be.

    What do you have to lose? At the most he will sulk and they will bitch about you.So what is new!
     
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  8. CuteCancer

    CuteCancer Silver IL'ite

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    I just cant digest this.

    Next time he says this ask him -"So you don't love me. Thats why you speak against me and dont support me even if I am right. if this is the case then why should I take care of you and mingle with your family? Why should I waste my energy satisfying you and your family to continue being an orphan?"

    As YM said better to stick with your family
     
  9. Sukkumalli

    Sukkumalli Senior IL'ite

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    It is not only to you, these things happen to almost all DILs in India. You should know the tips and tricks to handle them before it is too late.

    My MIL & SIL used to do the same. My SIL will spend many week ends in our house along with her son, in the name of relaxing. These week ends were terrible trying times for me.

    My husband was not at all a mumma's boy, but he would get carried away by their complaints and would expect explanations from me each time.

    I had a very tough and complicated person as my supervisor in office during that time. My primary objective in office was not to get into confrontations with him, so that I can concentrate on my job. I didnt want to loose my peace of mind in office, because I spend eight or nine hours of my quality time there. Many times I was forced to say "Yes sir.." "Ok sir", "will take care next time sir"..."this mistake will not be repeated sir" etc etc etc. With this he started completely trusting me and I was treated very well.

    However I quit the job for a better one in two years. So I wondered ...when I can be polite to an arrogant supervisor at office, why cant I be polite to my long lasting relationships? I decided to apply the same strategy at home.

    I tried not to drag issues or argue, as it was clearly a waste of my time and energy. I could never win an argurment with my MIL or SIL. Many times, a simple sorry will solve the issue or "ok ma , ok akka , will do as you say next time.." will make them happy. I will do this particularly when my husband was around. I may not really follow what I said, but my words satisfied their ego and attitude.


    I will never start cooking with out discussing the menu with my MIL. But I would have actually decided myself the previous day. It is just the way you sail yourself with it.

    I used to praise my SIL lavishly even if she was not worth of it. Her sarees, her dressing, her jewels nad her cooking everything was just fantastic for me!!!!

    It gives a strange and funny satisfaction when people trust your fake appreciations. This made my home a better place eventually.

    I would suggest that you shed your ego (if any) and give an impression (at least in front of your husband) that you give utmost repsect to your in-laws. Most importantly appreciate your SIL. Dont hesitate to lie that she is beautiful, intelligent etc. Initially this is difficult, however you will start enjoying it thoroughly later. Treat it just like a child's game. Appreciation is addictive. Every three or four months spend some money on her and buy her a good saree. she will be your slave, believe me and everything will fall in place.

    In my experince, my husband started loving me and trusting me more than ever when he started believing that I love his sister and mother like mine. He respects me for that.

    Then there was a day when my MIL underwent cataract surgery. My SIL was as usual very happy to visit my MIL often during this time. My SIL used to come directly from her office to our home, so that I take care of her snacks, coffee etc. I was also working and so my MIL slowly realised that my SIL visit's puts extra burdon on me.

    One day my MIL requested if she can spend a week end in my SIL's home just for a change. My SIL had a nuclear family and so problems were expected. My SIL refused immediatly. She also questioned my MIL why she would do do that and advised her that it was her " son/DIL's duty" .

    My MIL then realised that I was much better than her own daughter. Her own daughter was not willing to take care of her, but I had never complained.

    Due to fear of loosing our support my MIL's attitude completely changed towards me and she slowly stopped entertaining her daughter's visits.

    I believe that being happy or unhappy should be my call and others should not decide it. If you decide to be happy, you must drive things towards that. Take ownership of your family and trust me you can change things, certainly..
     
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  10. Hyral

    Hyral Gold IL'ite

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    Sounds perfect, dont forget to involve your husband in Family pic, for if he is noting down the tips , make sure ur SIL doesnt copy you exactly the same here lol...

    Well, few more things you can do here is...whenever u visit your parents home with your DH, you have good conversation with your Bhabhi and with you parents in front of your DH and you can simply praise your bhabhi by saying...Bhabhi , my parents and bhaiya are so lucky to have you and if your bhabhi reverts back by saying...indeed 'Am more lucky to have such loving and caring husband and in-laws' ur job is done ....But incase ur bhabhi is miser in appreciating your parents and bro...you can speak the line on ur bhabhi's behalf...'Am sure my parents must be looking after you really well and so is Bro'

    After all if MIL can treat her DIL as daughter why will any DIL treat her MIL as Mother in law? she will definitely treat her as Mother like...
    You can flatter her more by saying...I feel too lucky to have Sister like Bhabhi...with whom I feel so comfortable....


    Rest strop cribbing about ur in-laws and SIL to UR DH coz that indeed does no good at all...unless he himself realizes what games his parents and sis are playing...
    whatever time you get you be good to him...write him a good msg and if still his mom has many complains against you which ur DH will convey to you...you politely tell him..mummy can directly tell me right? I have no issues and at this moment I wanna spend time with you so no such complain talks...still if its genuine...lets discuss out having every one around....

    Ask him , will he be OK if you ends up favoring your parents every now and then even if you feel your DH is right? will he like such behavior? IF not then why this discrimination towards WIFE, DIL to node head in agreement to in-laws always???

    Tell him, you see a good future together having him by ur side when you are right....supporting each other in the age of 60's and 80's does no good coz we are close to Heaven / Hell....

    Ask him to wake up before it gets late.
     

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