Am i doing something wrong or her(MIL)

Hi Ladies,

I am so relieved to see this forum and just cant wait to pour my heart out. Long stroy..Hope u guys are free to ponder into my situation.

I got married(arranged) in 2009. Got engaged in june and married in november.DH and i were just like any other newly engaged couples flirting and fooling around. I come from a very orthodox family and my mom n grandma consider looking at the panchangam for everything. I was working away from chennai and d was in chennai. My relationship with his MIl n Fil were out of the world type and all my friends used to tease me saying i was engaged to my DH and not his father( we were that close). Before working i was studying in a hostel for 4 years and work was away from mom n dad. I thanked god each and every day for have given me such lovely in laws and a darling husband. After my engagement my husband had a change in job and got transfered to Singapore.

I got myself transfered to Chennai before the wedding and my relationship with MIL and FIl kept becoming stronger and stronger. They loved me and told my mom the same. ALthough my DH kept warning me not to fall into the love trap and be careful. He told me after marriage if they at all spoke ill of me he would seriously stand up for me ( he is more close to his sister than his mom)

I got married, had work commitments so until 2 months after marriage i was staying with in laws. My FIl used to pack lunch for me and drop me to office (something even my dad had never done) I was so grateful to them. I would go to work come back, talk to DH on skype help mil will house hold Chores and life was indeed like bed of roses for me. they were less orthodox, there house was never clean and i would not dare use the kitchen for cooking anything.(too scared of the croc size lizards under the fridge and microwave) i had no rights to comment. I would clean them as much as possible that night and next day would be the same story., I dint bother. The day came when i had to leave india. I have never cried before(not even wen i left mom n dad to go to hostel/work/marriage) but i cried on the day i had to leave my MIL and FIL.

After coming to singapore things were all right we would skype each other and everything. My mil would express her love to me in each sentence . Would i ever speak ill of such ppl??? what i share with my mom is completely different. we dont get so mushy yet love each other beyond words. my MILs love towards me, i felt that as new and liked it and her even more. i would do all house hold chores and keep the house clean and esp the kitchen( not sure why but i can live in a dirty house but never in a dirty kitchen). They were impressed at the way i took charge of the house and situation. 3 months later my husband asked me if i wished to go home for a change for abt a month and then he would join me, I was reluctant as i was already away without him for 2 months and 1 more month would be difficult. he managed to convince me.

I went to india. My parents live in pondycherry with my sil and 10 month old grandson( my bro was in the US theN). I reached india and went to my in laws. we were so happy to be together again. i was with them for a week and my mil suggested i go visit my mom n dad for as long . i was very glad and happily went to my mom's place. stayed there. the only place which i felt was the cleanest and the most organized( please dont say u dont agree) . i stayed there for 10 days. now my bad time begins,. i wanted to stay for some more time. i asked my mil and she said with pleasure darling..stay as long as u want. then i extended it for a week more(i regret that decision till date) and then the day when i was supposed to leave it was some kari naal and my mom asked me if i could stay for a day more so that the next day being an auspicious one i can go, called my mil... same, with pleasure darling.. i wondered am i really that good to have been gifted with such a mil. and my time...my uncle came the very same day to pondycherry and said he had a homam organized at the temple in pondycherry and promised me he would take me to chennai the next day. i was scared this time(should have trusted my instincts) mom made the call to mil and asked for a day extension(strike....................1) she agreed and without guilt i stayed back.
the next day i left for chennai.went to my gramy's place first.. i have no idea from where she suddenly felt that love for me and asked me if i could stay with her for 3 more days..
i couldn say no...called up mil again and asked and again she said oh why do u keep askin...with pleasure sweetheart. althou this time i did feel a bit fishy but dint bother as i was with gramy

After three days, i went to my inlaws. My fil and Mil spoke well to my uncle altho fil looked serious . After they left i was like usual chirpy and talking but no one spoke. i thought ok may be they had a rough day before. my dh called and asked me why i took so many days to come. i told him wanted to be with them and did ask for permission. he dint quite sound happy. he told me mil had called up my dh and complained abt me and how they dint like me staying der. i felt sorry. my mom called them up and appologised. my fil never spoke. till the day my husband came to india(10 days later)

My fil did not speak to me at all. i asked my mil if fil was still angry at me and what i can do to make him speak back to me. She said no he is too old let him come back by himself.
The next day DH comes to me asking me why i went and asked that question to my MIL. apparently she had gone and complained to my sil saying"how can she do such thing and without shame come and ask me why fil is still angry' i felt so bad that things were not happening in front of me and they were not telling me exactly wat i wanted.

the day came when i had to leave.on the last day fil said he had some other work so couldnt talk to me properly.i felt very bad as he was talking properly to my husband.

Then it was there time to come to singapore. By this time( 1 yr) they had stopped talking to me like before. they would just talk to me when husband was around and would call him seperately wen he was on his way back from work. i would call them but the call would last not more than 5 mins. after they came to singapore(plan was for 3 months) i had very softly and politely told my mil that she can cook watever and i wil take care of washing the utensils( well i wanted to keep it clean) she insisted at first. i am too paranoid abt the kitchen and i would go back i after she finished work and would wash it again( yes, they were not clean as expected and did require 2nd time washing) then she left it to me and i would wash and clean the kitchen after we finished our lunch. my daily routine was to wash utensils and mop and sweep the entire house myself. did not want her to do all work so took charge., my dh would keep asking me to use less oil as he was having digestion problem. i should have let him tell this himself but i told it to mil(strike...........................2) our ouse is only 700 sq ft. so u go to one corner of the house and slightly tilt ur head u can see the entire house all room everything. the bathroon is no bigger than...er its very small and only 1 person can be in. its dry usualy and very slippery if wet. so wenever they went in and came out i would mop the floor so they dont slip(strike......................3) this kept going and one day we were discussing abt marapachi bommai(how i had forgotten it at india while packing). later she told me it was gifted to us by one of my dh's friends. .... well she was just a friend and i hated her for the very reason cant really blame me for being like that can you?

my husband and i were listening and then i pinched him and we started laughing. the very moment my mil saw and asked me wat was wrong. i said nothing and left it and told her was just making fun of her. genuinly yes.!!

Fil was happy he was with his son.. he would support him at anything. we would be talking and i would jokingly tell my fil..dad look he is wrong wat do u think?? and even if he was wrong my fil would support him. this happened few times but i dint bother but felt a bit weird after it continued till last day. we would go out somewer and take public transport. unknowingly i would sit next to my husband my fil would stop talking for the whole day.he was getting possesive.

Then all of a sudden within a month they decided to leave to india as SIL was on family way and coming back to chennai for good. after they left my mom called me one day and started shouting at me for il treating them!!! i was like................???????????????


Complain 1.. i was a cleanaholic and was overdoing things. (but thats wat everyone is supposed to be like!!!) so much so that i was not allowing her to make anything else in the kitchen after i finished cleaning...!!!!! i never said anything like that
Complain 2.. i was not letting her cook anything for her son and sometimes made him eat fruits.. but thats wat my husband asked me to get him at that time.
Complain 3.. Exact words.. I have no manners and i would not bother mil and fil were around and be laughing and giggling with husband.(wat can i say!!)
Complain 4.. i wantedly forgot the marapachi bommai in india because it was gifted by her( i was shocked my mom asked me this)i did not even knw abt it till my mil told me it was gifted by her.by which time i had already forgotten the dolls in india.
Complain 5.. i would keep cleaning the bathroom everytime they went in and they felt bad. (otherwise they would fall down and break their hips)
Complain 6.. i had no respect for my dh and would call him by his name.. i do call him by his name and i changed myself before them later. respect...?no i dont agree.. what happens in private , is between us.
Complain 7.. i was too clingy to my husband..:spin


My DH knw abt this but had not told me anything. i felt really bad..again thnigs were happening behind me and not in front of me. and one day he even asked me if i really left the marapachi at hom on purpose. that was a blow on face. that was the day i felt how easily he was getting influenced by them as they spoke only to him and none would come to me. i had an argument with fil one day over a petit issue( he kept talking to everyone but me so i raised my voice to my husband and said ask him to talk to me first)
that was it.. he Fil stopped looking at me till date. the same day i went to him and appologised..he asked me to get out. i felt very bad as this was not how he was at the time of marriage.
now they say i dont do house hold chores. i am too clingy to husband,. everytime i go home my husband fights with m supporting them and saying i should change my ways. one day we were to open an account at a bank in india and dh was discussing it with fil.he aslo asked him to come. he was all ready to go when dh turned to me and said lets go. and my fil dint say a word and went inside and called dh and said he dint want to come and became angry... i felt so insulted. i stopped arguing with them or asking them why they wudnt talk.
now everytime we go to india i am supposed to stay at home and only dh can go out with friends or anywhere. i cant go out anywhere. my sil had a baby girl and we were in india. since we dint have place to sleep at my sil's house, my dh and i would go home to ours and sleep there. one day my mil asks me to go to my granma;s house and let my dh be free and stay with them for a day. i felt very bad.. my fil and dh had an argument one random day and that night when i slowly asked him wat the problem was , he said it was becaus eof me..i dint do anything. i was just being normal. the complain was why i went o my mom's house at this trip for a day.. we had come to india for 14 days. i went in to depression.,i would be playing with my sil's baby and fil would nt even care..

Now i am pregnant with first and till date althought he talks like how are u (wen i call him or speak to him) he doesnt care abt me. i knw i shudnt bother....buit still. i went home for seemantham. but fil did not talk to me at all..i felt like even if we had a surrogate mother for our baby she would have been treated well. i somehow feel my husband is not true to his words and is slowly getting influenced by what they say,.
all my jewels are in the locker (wer my dad n i have a joint account) although he doesnt use it. this time after seemantham my mil asked me to get all my jewels and give it to her..i felt bad and was thinking how to askl mom. by this time she had already asked my mom.. my mom gave away everything including her jewels and bangles to my mil. all she wears now is the thali and the duplicate bangle. i lost my temper and told my husband they are stealing like thugs from my mom.. he got really angry and stopped talking to me.. althou now he is appologising,. but wat use..

in chennai during pregnancy they administer tetanus vaccination. my fil had told my dh. so he asked me to get it here in singapore. i asked my doc she said its not required and they would give it after the baby is born, my husband doesnt care and wants me to get it here at any cost. i called up and asked my doc in india as well. even she says its not required/ now since they are insisting he wants me to have it here. but where do i go???


I have truely spoken my heart out. and this is wat has happend so far. i have always tried to treat them well and whatever i do i end up getting a bad name..

 

Ha guess am not alone after all.. Like i said i come from a conservative orthodox family, i am forced to blame myself for this situation. If MIL is angry then it sure is the DIL's mistake and she definitely has to face the bad karma... all the more reason i am trying to sort things out. But like you say, one point i just have to let go of it.,.