Am I correct if I choose to divorce

enjoy · Aug 31, 2009

I have decided to divorce my husband. Its based on these circumstances.
Please advice if I am right or wrong.

Negative:
He has acute short term anger problem.
He gets really abusive for small small issues.
He has no control on himself if he is angry.
He uses dirty words to abuse like, b****, w***e, a*****e, etc.
He gets physically violent and hits me with anything he gets in his hand. When he is angry he doesnt really care whether I will die or not, he is ready to squeeze my neck or smash my head too.
He is extremely dominating and has his ways most of the times.
He always uses me to get things done, at home, or to buy stuff, pay bills, etc. Doesnt contribute for the household work.
I work, take care of office, home, and a kid.

After the anger dies down, he says sorry, please forgive me. I love you. I cant live without you, I will never do this again.
But this has never stopped in 4 years. Its the same abuse-sorry-love you- reabuse story.

Positives:
He loves me truly (after the anger dies down). Thats is true becos when he is angry he doesnot know whhat he is doing. Its like a devil inside him. A totally different person. When he is not angry he is a completely lovable person. After the anger has gone, he starts hugging me and begs me to forget the issue. and showers me with love and takes me out for lunch or dinner or movie or buys gifts, so that I feel better.
He cracks jokes, is very humorous, and very intelligent. Thinks about family long term.
I dont have any issues with in laws.

We tried anger management, but the doctor prescribed medicines and he refused. He is not diciplined enough to do yoga, etc to calm himself. He has a hectic work schedule too becos of which he is stressed.
I see that he wants to avoid this fight as he is alone, has no friends, no relationship with his parents. He has only me and the kid as his own. So wants to have a healthy relationship. But its not happening.
He gets abusive even if I get late for a movie, or if the washing machine gets repaired.

I know most of times, I trigger the anger in him, by forgetting things, or getting late for an outing or repairing things, but... Should I be responsible for his behaviour?

Please advise whats the point in continouing like this. One day, I am sure he will kill me...

Rakhii · Aug 31, 2009

Enjoy,
If you are sure he will kill you, then yes; You are right in asking for a divorce.
If counseling is not working with him, you cannot risk your life and your kids life. Experienced ladies might give you more input in this...we will wait for their advise.

Drpreethis · Aug 31, 2009

Physical abuse is a strict NO !! Whoever has to be blamed for whatever, the person abusing needs to take steps to curb the behaviour..

Your husband not taking up anger management classes, refusing medicines is not right..Simply shows that he is not willing to give his fullest towards making him a better person..

BUT, the positive side, HE IS going to the doctor in the first place !
Second, your trust that he DOES love you !!

It is such a good thing, but I do understand and can see you are losing patience.. which is quite obvious..

I can see, you have given him enough chances and done your best to bear with him, hoping he could change. But, you are also at fault for being vulnerable and not taking strict steps when he refused to take medicines and didnt practice Yoga or anything which could make him better !!

So, now all you need to do is TALK STRICT ! He needs you then he needs to STICK by these -

NO RAISING HAND THE NEXT TIME.. IF HE DOES, YOU WILL MOVE AWAY FROM HIM - PERMANENTLY / TEMPORARILY.

HE NEEDS TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT HIS ANGER. PERIOD. IF IT IS GOING TO CLASSES/ YOGA/ DOCTOR / COUNSELLING.. WHATEVER UNDER SUN, SIMPLY BECAUSE " YOU ARE LOSING YOUR MIND AND HEALTH " !!

NO USING ANY ABUSIVE WORDS EVER ! HE DOES, YOU WILL LEAVE THE ROOM / SCENE. IF HE GETS EVEN ABUSIVE AND RAISES HIS HAND, YOU WALK OUT OF THE HOUSE ! THAT IS ALL.

IF HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH YOU DOING THINGS YOUR WAY ( LAUNDRY ETC ) THEN, HE CAN BY ALL MEANS DO IT HIMSELF.. BUT AGAIN RAISING HAND TO GET THINGS DONE HIS WAY FOR ANYTHiNG SILLY LIKE BEING LATE FOR MOVIE- WILL MAKE YOU WALK OUT AGAIN !

See, this is not threatening.. this is just for him to get a reality check that THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG IN HIM AND HE SHOULD NOT BE GETTING ABUSIVE AT ALL.

Your life is at stake, gaurd it first. Saving marriage comes next !

You need to be bold and tough physically to defend yourself.. You cannot be meek and vulnerable. I dont understand what you mean by he uses me for household chores.. There is nothing as being used.. It is your house as it is his and it is just maintainance! But I assume, you feel so because he forces things on you and punishes you if things go wrong ! So, you are in a way justified to be confused..

Whatever, it is not time to divorce.. It is time to stand up and tell him Back-Off !!

GIve yourself a little more time and first save yourself from any abuse.. If he does love you, he will get back to normalcy and would do anything to change himself and live peacefully with you..

The questionS are - DO YOU WANT TO STAY IN THIS MARRIAGE STILL ?
ARE YOU FED UP ALREADY WITH ALL THAT YOU WENT THROUGH ?
HAVE YOU THOUGHT OF WHAT YOU GOING TO DO , AFTER HIM ?
YOU STILL LOVE HIM AND WANT TO GIVE HIM ONE LAST CHANCE FOR THE SAKE OF YOU AND NOT JUST KID OR SOCIETY.. ??

Ask yourself these.. and you will find an answer to your question !

Whatever, PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF !!

Tridev · Aug 31, 2009

OMG, OP, whats wrong with you ?, Dont you realise the risk you are taking , when you say he is not his self when in anger, and can do anythign to harm you, what are you waiting for, this is a true pattern or exact cycle of domestic abuse, in your case, unfortunately its both verbal and physical, your husband is hysterical, its not normal

If after his anger subsides and he says sorry and all and showers love and all, that all is a way for him to keep you in his grip, in abuse a abuser will always do these things, either threathen or shower love, some way or other to hold the victim.

If other things have not worked, if he has not changed a bit despite promising, he is not taking medicines, etc, then its not worth living with this person, you are risking your kid too remember this

Anger is the problem of the person who is angry, you are not responsible for his behavior or anger, becuase whatever you do he can get angry, and have no justification for it except SORRY.

You have reached a point where you should walk out, yes, he hitting you with what ever comes in his hand, are you kidding? what is making you stay? is this how you see living rest of your life?

Remember dont threaten him you would leave, he may become very angry, plan a exit strategy so that next time things go out of hand you know what to do, inform some friends or relatives that such thing is happening and to keep calling you in few days and check on you, keep some money aside(cash) in bank if you have ATM or with someone you trust. Dont have him a hint that you would be leaving home if you decide to.

Once you decide to go out or leave, dont pick up his phones, dont get emotional if he says sorry and all, it is just a gimmick to get you back.

Here is the list of things you need to consider as imp to keep somewhere other than home, if you decide to abruptly leave due to the nature of your relation

Personal ID for yourself

Birth Certificates (yours/kids)

Social Security Cards/Numbers

Money

Checkbook, ATM cards, bank account numbers

Credit Card numbers

Pictures of myself, my kids and my partner

Pay stubs, income tax returns

Insurance policies

Access card

Passport/Green card

Address book

Keys

Children's toys/clothes

Driver's License/Registration

Marriage License/papers

Medications

Any ownership papers

Abuse wont stop just because you think it would stop one day, in so many years it has not, it wont, forgiveness/feeling sorry is of no use if things happen again and again.

Take care of your life and your kid, also your husband, STOP him from doing things he would regret for all of you. DO SOMETHING

pals · Aug 31, 2009

Your story reminds me of this Nana Patekar - Manisha Koirala - Jackie Shroff movie!! - Agni Sakshi There is something medically wrong with your husband - may need medication and couselling for him to get better. Do watch that movie - it is quiet scary

I suggest that you should first stay apart from your husband - move out of the house away from him so you send him a strong message that you can no longer live with him since your life is in danger. He needs to get treated for you to move back with him. This is a better step than taking divorce. If this does not work out divorce is always there as a last option.

But one thing to remember - when you choose to walk out or truly ask for Divorce - this may truly enrage your husband and he may even attempt to take your life to prevent you from leaving. So, I suggest that you plan this very carefully and take help from family/friends and make sure you are safe.

Rakhii · Aug 31, 2009

Enjoy, how does he behave with the child?

snowshiva · Aug 31, 2009

Hi,
First of all i am sorry for you.
Since you mentioned that he is really loves you and loose his mind only when he gets angry, i would suggest you to take him to the Doctor. He sure need some treatment.
Also since you said, you are the reason for his anger, you can try to change some of your behaviour like, Dont forget things,etc
Did you take any steps to improve yourself in these 4 years?

Divorce is not a solution in marriage relationship for most of the situations.

take care
Shiva

enjoy · Aug 31, 2009

Dr Preethi,
Thanks for reading and for your suggestions.
In 4 years, this is what I ahd been doing. Taking in all the abuses and not losing patience. I have suggested counselling many times, yoga, doctor, many many times. I have threaten several times to move out.
In fact i have walked out of the house many times and gone to my in laws house and stayed there for a few days. He comes looking for me. He will immediately come and pcik me up. and always begs me to come back with him.
I have told him several times - no abuses, no bad language, no hitting at all. He listens when he calm, He has promised me several times that he will do this for me. He has also promised on the kid. But promises dont stand when he is angry. Promises dont make sense when he is angry.

Household work, I meant to say that he does not contribute, I do everything.

How much more do you want me to stay in this marriage - 4 years is not enough?
I would love to stay in this marriage, if only his anger is abolished completely.
After him, I dont know what i am going to do.
I feel I have given him several "last chances".
He cannot change.. 4 years of marriage and a kid has not changed him.. What else can change him???
Please let me know what you think..

enjoy · Aug 31, 2009

Dear Tridev,
Thanks for your reply.
I think you have understood correctly. My husband is not normal.

Thanks a lot for the list of things. I will definitely need it to be prepared.

In the last line when you said take care of your husband and Stop him from doing things, DO SOMETHING. I didnt understand, what exactly should I do.

Priya16 · Aug 31, 2009

enjoy,

Does your In-Laws has any clue about it.This person might have been like this from his childhood.What is there take on this.
I would suggest stay seperatly for some time ( I am not sure how it is possible also becuase your DH may look for you) and see any change comes in ,if not then final option is divorce.But only my concern,if he try to do something if you really choose divorce then the guilt will be there for whole life.