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Am I Being Used?

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by paru123, Jun 25, 2022.

  1. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    OP, your friend is no doubt using you, she has changed how she interacts with you, and the friendship for her is now mostly a source of information about kid's school notes and projects. You would do well to use the suggestions that have poured in, and similarly tone down how much importance or effort you give to this friendship.

    That being said, you are also wondering about the change in this friendship. So, here's some perspective on that. There is a certain "put down" in the way you have described her qualities. People tend to sense such things and cut back on talking etc.
    Read the above. It somehow seems like you think less of people who are more talkative and outgoing. Maybe I am wrong, but the "everyone's favorite" and "selected people with whom I can connect" give that sense.

    Again, for some reason, it seems like you disapprove or think lowly of people who choose to always be well-groomed and make time for it. The "even for sitting at home" was jarring to read.

    This in particular stood out to me. I learned the hard way and after eating lots of humble pie never to judge another parent or their parenting. If a mom is bribing a child, we don't what all she has already tried, how much help or hindrance she has from the father, and above all we don't know why the child is slow in finishing the notes. To be the parent of a child who is slow in anything is tough, tough, tough. "I don't encourage these kinds of habits for my child" -- this sorry to say, holier than thou attitude, must be coming through in your conversations or expressions, and hence the cooling off from her. Just a guess.

    Some jealousy and some maybe what I've written above.

    You don't see her as an equal to you in wavelength? When we think of someone as not equal to us in wavelength, it is hard to hide that all the time.

    I wouldn't assume that her kid is only following mom's attitude. The kids have their own interactions, quarrels and other friendship dynamics that you may not be aware of. If her kid is ignoring your kid, there can be many reasons.

    We tend to think of our kid and our parenting as being near perfect until we learn it is not so. : ) I used to think my daughter was the most well-behaved kid at 7 or 8 yrs and I/she received many compliments too from teachers, neighbors and family friends. Then, at a birthday party, she kept going to the books shelf in their house, the birthday mom and other moms tried to tell her to join the other kids in activities, but she kept going back to the books. Soon other kids wanted to read books too. They had hired a magician to entertain the kids so the mom was not happy with this books reading drama. My kid said/parroted something about the importance of books and reading ... Sigh.

    It could be both ways. Do you sometimes envy her outgoing nature, the resultant friends circle and her being well-groomed and well-dressed?

    There will always be people in our neighborhood, community, relatives, work-place etc with whom we have to maintain a necessary but not deep relationship, and modify that with time. A thicker skin and more practice with elegant shrugging of the shoulders helps. Also, I was wondering why you have to spend so long waiting for transportation? Can that time be cut down? Maybe the moms who live close to each other can take turns in waiting for the kids to arrive. The more enthusiastic moms can take MWF, and T-Th go to the other moms. : )
     
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2022
  2. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you for the elaborate answer, wondering the ifs n buts. She is a very intelligent, street smart , thick skinned, selfish type lady who just plays with others emotions. I have to stop giving any importance to her , but this mother child duo is always in the vicinity and hard to avoid.
    Yesterday night she called for a project and today morning again for notes. If I dont pick up the call, she would land at my doorstep.


    No, I have always admired these qualities of her because I actually dont have the energy to talk to all the people like she does. She can ask personal questions but I cannot and that's the main reason why she has so many friends. I can never be like her as it's a distinguished quality one can have. I see it as her postive and no way jealous for this reason. Could be that, she feels, there is no new information that she will receive from me and hence the distancing.

    Here again I wondered if my not being upto the mark, could be the reason for her to ignore and not other way.
    Possible and she could feel the same as wavelength not matching.
    It becomes difficult to modify our behaviour as per others moods.

    Regarding the 20 25 minutes, its 2 way time. Sometimes traffic, sometimes one kid is late and the bus waits and then all get late and waiting time increases. MWF thing wont suit here as the bribing / gifting happens during this waiting time and I dont want my child to get that habit.

    Now, as if she has read this post, since 2 days she has moved out to a different spot for waiting; talking to new parents. Height of ignoring. All this shows that this hi bye relation is only for notes and nothing else. If I had done this thing, she would come running to ask why I am waiting in a different spot.
     
  3. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    Ya, right from the beginning we have to be alert in not sharing much with people n assume they are friends
     
  4. bmaquarius

    bmaquarius Gold IL'ite

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  5. bmaquarius

    bmaquarius Gold IL'ite

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    Don't look for friendships where it doesn't exist..there are some people called acquaintances so, keep it cordial. You happen to share same school and transport so apparently you meet up nothing more..that's it..your kuds might get to become friends later on and then the equations might change..until then you both might need each other's at some point in time
     
  6. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    People change. Accept who you are now and who she is now. If you don't like the new dynamic, start distancing yourself. How? Carry a book with you. Read so she can't engage you.

    Good luck, @paru123!
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