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Am I Being Used?

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by paru123, Jun 25, 2022.

  1. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    Its regarding a lady in my society who speaks my language and her kid and mine goes to same school.
    She is an extrovert, everyones favourite as she speaks to all , whereas I am an introvert and speak to only a few selected people with whom I can connect.
    She is like a happening person, always well dressed even for sitting at home whereas I don't give much importance to being perfect in dress and hair makeup especially when you are not going out for a meeting or function.
    Coming to the point we both have to spend close to 25 to 30 minutes a day while we wait for our kids transportation. Her kid is very slow in finishing the notes so she always tries to encourage him with toffees and gifts almost every other day. I dont encourage these kind of habits for my child. A certain kind of jealousy is creeping in is what I feel nowadays. Now, when we wait for the transportation, on some days she will be seen talking on the phone, whereas on days when she needs some information from me she will wait for me and my kid with a big smile. Also if any of her other friend in the society passes by, she would immediately cut the call and talk to them.
    All assume that we are good friends but I know how cunning she is. This pattern in her behaviour is annoying me as I feel she is just using me for her kids incomplete notes. She shares many things with her other friends and sometimes I am the last person to know about it. Also many a times she has deliberately hidden information from me. If there is a project/competition in school for which she is ready with materials, then she wouldnt talk about it till the last minute, whereas if she doesnt know what is to be done on a project, she would come running panicking asking how it's to be done , etc.
    Her behaviour irritates me as I am not able to avoid her as I have to spend time daily with her. It's very late that I understood her true nature and though I don't see her as an equal to me in terms of wavelength, her behaviour of acting friendly annoys me. And the same attitude her kid is adopting towards my kid nowadays, I.e talk when you need something, else ignore to the core. How to deal.
     
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  2. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    There are a lot of insecure, competitive people out there.
    Since you have to interact for your kid’s sake just keep it cordial. Don’t volunteer information. If she asks something just answer to the point. Don’t share any personal details and don’t discuss your child. And find something to occupy your time while you wait for your kids class to finish.
     
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  3. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    This is a very common thing I’ve seen amongst many mom friends. I don’t know what to say other than you give based on what you receive.

    For an extrovert, you are just one of her many friends. For you, she’s one of a few chosen ones. I think you should do what makes you happy. She clearly doesn’t have you on her priority list. Maybe you should move her down from yours as well. That doesn’t mean that you completely cut her off. Just have a cordial relationship for when you see each other.

    Being used by someone is not a great feeling to have. Don’t share with her unless you feel it’s trivial enough to share. Find some phrases before hand and practice them and keep them handy for such situations. I know I find it very hard to come up with excuses so I just follow what other ILites have responded sometimes. I have to write down and practice. It just doesn’t come to me naturally to give evasive answers but that’s an art we have to cultivate. We can’t be 100% straightforward with everyone. I used to be all through life but in the last 3-4 years have managed to become a little worldly wise.
     
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  4. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    i guess your kid is young or may be in elementary. wait you see high school. college internship and information. people guard as if they will loose their life.

    that said. it is right time to expand your circle. this is right signs . think or change your perspective like that. as @MalStrom madam said, their lot of insecure people you will meet.
     
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  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    First of all she is not your friend. A mother of your child's school mate.
    Your relationship is just that.

    I know many women, who are mothers of my kid's school mates. We happen to meet each other whenever we pick up our kids at School.
    During special coaching sessions, we used to wait after school, and spend some time together discussing about kids' and school related stuff in general.
    That doesn't make us friends.

    Friendship is a different kind of relationship. It has affection, love, care and attraction towards our friend.

    Do not consider every person that interact with you as a friend.
     
  6. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    Yes, and she is passing on the same traits to her kid of being competitive.
     
  7. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    [QUOTE="Laks09, post: 4257341, member: 40880"

    For an extrovert, you are just one of her many friends. For you, she’s one of a few chosen ones. I think you should do what makes you happy. She clearly doesn’t have you on her priority list. Maybe you should move her down from yours as well.

    A friend of all is a friend of none proverb fits her well.

    Being used by someone is not a great feeling to have. Don’t share with her unless you feel it’s trivial enough to share. Find some phrases before hand and practice them and keep them handy for such situations. I know I find it very hard to come up with excuses so I just follow what other ILites have responded sometimes. I have to write down and practice. It just doesn’t come to me naturally to give evasive answers but that’s an art we have to cultivate. We can’t be 100% straightforward with everyone. I used to be all through life but in the last 3-4 years have managed to become a little worldly wise.[/QUOTE]

    I have to be very tactful with her but as I used to consider her a good friend it's hard for me to switch my emotions behaviour like her.
     
  8. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    True, agree with you.
     
  9. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    Well she was a friend and is a friend. We are not just ladies who wait till the child finish their classes. We both stay in same society, families know each other, attend each other's functions parties etc. During 2 years of Corona, many people changed and she who was very close earlier has changed considerably. Her child lagged behind because of online classes. I still view her as the old friend but her behavior makes me confuse. At the same time the way she reacts with others has not changed. She is being friendly as per her needs. Jealousy, competition, insecurity is all clearly visible and sad part is her kid is being her replica.
     
  10. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

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    This is case with many of us.
    Insecurities and lack of boundaries make people like this. We being introvert, straight to the point people, suffer from no mental peace.
    I have a friend who got job but hid from immediate desi people in her apartment as no one else was working. Now offices being opened my friend is looking for new place fearing apartment desi ladies. This is the case of many...so pls be cordial and move on she is no friend just aquaitenances.
    Draw boundaries..
    Few years back I was in your shoes...IL helped me. Thanks ladies
     

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