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Am I being unfair/selfish?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by priya g, Apr 23, 2010.

  1. priya g

    priya g Senior IL'ite

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    hi friends,
    I visited this awsome site a year ago as I was facing tremendous problems with my MIL. Things had improved gradually when I learnt to ignore my MIL's tantrums. But now I am upset about something else. But first for a background so that you know whats happening.
    We shifted to a place which is 40 kms from my office as it is where my hubby has set up his new business. I have my office cab that picks me up from home at 7 in the morning and it takes 1.5 hrs to reach office and 2 hours to get back home, thanks to delhi traffic. Now it is generally 7:30 pm when I reach home and my MIL prepares dinner already. I carry the leftover dinner the next day to office as well, because there is hardly any time. When I return home, I teach my older kid and try to help my MIL with cleaning up the kitchen at least. But she always says, "you must be tired, so I will manage".
    Today morning when I was getting ready, my older kid came to me and said that dadi was calling you "kamchor", meaning lazy as you are not doing any cooking. I was so upset. I am the one who cooks in the weekends and earlier when my office was near my place and I would not be traveling so much, I was the one who prepared the meals! I get up early on Saturdays , sundays, tidy up teh house , cook bfast and lunch...and am generally very active in exercising and yoga! Now I hear this!

    It is only in the last 5 months since we shifted here that I let my MIL do the cooking! I approached my MIL in teh morning that please dont do the cooking in teh evening since I am back by 7:30pm, I can do it, after all we eat at 9pm! As usual, she was sugary sweet saying that no no, dont bother, as long as my haath pair are moving I will do the cooking!

    I am really aghast! Why are some women so complicated? Especially if that woman is MIL! And all about cooking, cooking and cooking. There are two maids in teh home to do the dishes, putting the washing machine and mopping, dusting. Ladies, do tell me what to do if people have such double standards? Shall I discuss her problem informing that I know what she told my daughter? Or shall I keep quite and continue the present behaviour? Or shall I keep quite and insist on cooking the dinner at least?
    I am really upset and hurt, more so as she bitched about me to my kid! I have enough tensions in my office as a new boss has come and is making my life miserable, and now this!
     
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2010
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  2. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    wow priya she is replica of my mil
    even i am working and will be out of home for 14 hrs and in odd timings depending on shift
    when i enter kitchen even after coming from office my mil sweetly says before her son and my fil that thats ok i can manage you just came so you take rest...but she will start talking to neighbours and relatives that she is doing everything and i wont help etc
    when i suggested we hire a maid and i pay for her she said she cant allow a maid inside home
    arghhhhh i always felt so bad because of her double standards but now i got adjusted
    before everyone
    i am a lazy lazy lazy proud dil :hide:

    but its soooo bad for your mil to talk about you before your kid...not a good sign at all
    please talk to her directly and say her if she has anything to say she can tell you directly not before lil kids
     
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2010
  3. kelly1966

    kelly1966 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Priya.. calm down... ignore this remark and go on doing whatever pleases you... listen by going at 7:30pm after a days work you will be too exhausted to do dinner and why do you want to take additional headache? My advise would be get a cook or else ask one of your maids to make the atta dough /cut wash and give MIL the vegs etc.. also you can get someone to help in roti making... boiling the dal/ stirring the vegs when its on the gas...
    I think you have to understand no matter what you do there will be criticism and back biting.. some women are immature enough to do it with their grand children not realising that they are actually harming themselves.. as for a child their mom is PARAMOUNT....Ignore these remarks.. when you return home talk about your hard working day at home simply call colleagues or friends in front of everybody and let them know the tensions you face..
    Priya.. these ladies have never worked they think office job is AARAM... so we have to make them realise the mental stress we undergo by VOICING it to them...
    If all other aspects are ok then why shake and rock the boat... keep the smooth sailing on by being a bit tolerant and mature...
    K
     
  4. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Priya,
    Firstly, You are not being unfair/selfish. So, get that thought out of your mind immediately.
    About your MIL cribbing about you to your children behind your back- I would say let go this one time. Why she did it- there could be 2 reasons-
    1. She was frustrated about something and said it without thinking.
    2. She is deliberately trying to influence your daughter against you.
    You are the best person to judge the probability as you know what kind of person she is.
    If there are no other dramas, just ignore and move on. but make sure that your daughter knows how hard you are working.When time comes, your daughter will speak for you.
     
  5. bubai

    bubai Gold IL'ite

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    Priya,

    The best thing for you will be to ignore this and go on with life. Also, I suggest that you should spend time with your daughter in the evening as you are doing now and hire a cook for making dinner. Ask your MIL to take rest in the evening. Your MIL can let the cook know whatever has to be cooked....

    But I am worried about something else here...why is your MIL bitching about you to your daughter? That's not a good sign at all. If I were you, I would go and tell MIL to stop talking NONSENSE about me to my daughter. Kids learn things so fast. Your daughter will not have a good impression about your MIL.....Do explain this to her. Remember kids always, always support their mothers......In the long run, your MIL will not have the BEST relationship with you and your daughter. There is a price for everything.

    Tell your MIL that she is free to say all her worries/concerns to you. You will handle it and make arrangements but you are not going to tolerate this stupid backbiting behavior, that too to a little girl. It is just plain disgusting!!!

    Make sure you do this very diplomatically, like take your MIL out for a long drive or for lunch after you say this....Or buy her a saree.

    Take care....

    --Bubai
     
  6. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Priya I have a different opinion here from other posters.

    A child's mind is v innocent and here's when inlaws sow the seed of hatred to the child against his or own mom.
    When my child is involved I confront them directly for any bad language they use for me.

    You have to talk to your DH about this and then take his opinion as to who shall talk to your MIL, to not to use this language in front of a child.
    To the women of that generation these filthy words are a nominal abuse just as was thrashing a child.
    Now that you cant even spank a child so cant you speak these words esp in front of the child even if they heard it over n over either from their mothers or MIL.

    Once this topic starts then ask her what all are her expectations from you. My MIL loves to use many more such words and she does it for servants also.. she cant see them sitting for even 2 mins.. and many servants left so I told her.. lets make a list of activity that we want her to do & then there's going to be no hidden clause no addition / no deletion. Once the list was ready we presented it to new maids & they accepted and were stable.. probably ladies in that generation dont have the concept of "PRE- DEFINED TASKS & EXPECTATIONS & free time on duty" .
     
  7. priya g

    priya g Senior IL'ite

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    Great suggestions ladies....as usual hats of to you all for giving me nice tips! Yes Bubai...I need to be very diplomatic in handling my MIL! SHe created a lot of mess in my life but this time round I will be more practical and logical and try to tackle this situation. Monita, i agree with you. I think there was a combination of those two reasons that prompted my MIL to talk like that in front of my daughter. Kelly, lavii...you all are right that some people never change and that they need to be tackled maturedly. I spoke with my DH about this and he has sais that he would tell his mom that our kid disclosed all that to him. And then he will explain to his mom how bad it is to instigate a child against her own mother. As for me, I have decided to take your suggestion and explain to my children that I have other responsibilities and that I am not at all lazy! Atleast my kids should respect me and become more hardworking than us and definitely not consider me as kamchor! Like shilpma said...poisoning a child' s mind is the worst thing that people can do, I must watch out for it!
     
  8. swethakalyanee

    swethakalyanee New IL'ite

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    Hi Priya,

    You are NOT selfish/ unfair. Please just get such thoughts OFF from your mind dear. Sometimes, We ladies, unnecessarily blame/ curse ourselves, feeling guilty (Esp when we are out working and MILs at home doing some house chores like cooking) .

    Some MILs think that ladies 'escape' house chores and have good time (like chatting with colleagues) at work place. Some have no idea of the work pressure/ Mental / physical stress working women have.
    They think that spending time inside Hot kitchen is the toughest job in life.

    You do understand that its frustrating for her to be inside walls doing the cooking n other house chores. But, you compensate neatly for all those and help her rest on the weekends. So there's nothing to feel guilty about it.

    And for now, Pl. "Ignore'" ur MILs comment about you to your daughter. Your daughter will be matured enough soon to understand and stand by you when she critizes you again!
     
  9. priya g

    priya g Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks so much Swetha for pepping me up! Actually I am already going through a low phase where my office boss is a pain in all the wrong places! So, you see, when people at home are also hostile it tends to get very difficult. But i am gald to have friends at indusladies who are always willing to help me.
     
  10. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Priya bad times of our life are marked by everyone contributing to a hurtful behaviour... and thats an indication when one has to be really careful in dealing with people around so that we dont end up hurting X for frustration of Y & vice versa... triggering a chain reaction.

    It becomes more so bad becos we also loose sanity of our behaviour & replies and at times end up into impulsive reactions which we may feel sorry for. This happens cos of multitude of pressures from all angles.

    During these phases take a deep breath before taking a decision.. and see whats best for your particular case.
     

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