am i becoming abnormal

Manu,
I can feel the amount of bitterness and frustration you have now, dear. There is a BIG hollow of emotional support in your life. So, even little things hurt you big time now and you are not able to get along. You can do something to change your life. Please try to get professional counsel. I wonder how they do that in Germany... are there Indian counsellors there?

- From your story, it appears that you have a LOT of expectations and none or minimum of these were met by your husband and his family. First, stop expecting your husband to do something, behave this way or that way. That is the first step. Once you lower your expectations, your disappointments will also lessen. For example, do not get upset that your husband is not gifting you things. It is of course nice when our loved one gifts us something on our birthday or anniversary. It will make us feel more loved and wanted. But, that all will slowly happen, once your husband gets more connected to you. Which takes me to the next point.

- You and your husband must develop intimacy and understanding. Have you ever had frank, heart-to-heart conversations with him about his expectations of a wife, of married life, etc. What did he say? Does he give you any reason for not treating you with care and concern? Please work on developing a good bond between yourself and your husband. Nothing will work unless you are emotionally connected.

- For now, forget problems with your in-laws. You are living away from them, with your husband. Believe me, this is a golden opportunity that not many women get. You can really get into great relationship with your husband now. DO NOT miss this time! If your husband lacks interest in you, who else can kindle that interest but YOU?

- Get some friends. Do you have any hobby? Since you have a child, it will be easy to socialise. Try to fix some playdates and visit some people and play with their children. An idle mind is the devil's workshop. Do not let your mind be idle!

- Learn to stand on your own legs. If possible, start working. Even if language is the barrier for you to get a job at a hospital or clinic, you can do some work online. Like become a consultant for some medical website. Or write articles and reviews for some medical magazine. You do not need to learn a new language for all that.

- For that matter, how about doing PG, if you have not already done it? I think you said you wanted to do it at some point, didnt you? It is not impossible to study after marriage. Many women have done that. Search these forums for threads about this topic.

- Your life has been ruled and decided by everyone else around you... you must take charge of your own life. Why did you get married to this guy when you did not like him in the first place? Now, it is all done, so no use regretting. But, you must learn a lesson and do not give others the upper hand in your life. Not your parents, not your in-laws, not even your husband. You must try to find out what you want, communicate it to your husband and try to get your needs satisfied.

You have not provided much insight into your husband's character other than his lack of love and concern towards you and the fact that he is a mamma's boy. Please think over these questions and let us know.
- Is he a good father? Does he care for his child?
- Does he have any bad or weird habit?
- Does he have good friends? How does he move about in their circle?
- Is he clever in handling finances? Do you have any problem in this area?
- How is your general life? Do you both fight every day? Or only rarely?
- Does he keep bullying you, picking faults, ordering you around?

To answer your main question, whether your are becoming abnormal... your post clearly comes across as written by a person under great stress. And honestly, I find it difficult to believe that being a doctor (highly-educated, I mean), you have not taken charge of your own life and are lamenting now. Yes, it does seem out of normal. But, it is not late.

Definitely, it is NOT abnormal to cry or feel the lack of concern on seeing someone one TV being very caring towards his spouse. I have been in that spot myself earlier. And I am still very sane! So, do not feel bad that you are in such a spot. Instead, do things that will take you out of here. Stop pitying yourself. You will only become sadder and sadder if you pity yourself. It will do you no good.

So what if you have to keep pestering him to take you to a movie? Not many men are movie buffs. If he accompanies you, well and good. Otherwise, make some good friends out in your city and go with them!! Will he object? If he objects, tell him that he is your first preference and only because he is not interested in going to the movie, you are going with your friends. The crux is, men are different from women. What is interesting to us might not be interesting to them and vice versa. Stop depending on him to realise and satisfy your desires.

Realise that there is only one life to live. You have already lost several years being passive in this relationship. Get active now! Find out what your hubby wants; establish a good relationship with him. Forget the past - the circumstances which led to your marriage. No use blaming your parents. That is all over and done. They have done what they could, whether it was right or wrong. It is up to YOU to take your life in your own hands. You have a sweet child now. Don't you want to make your life happier for her at least? If you are happy, then your child will also be happy and grow up in a good environment. If you keep brooding over your sorry state, it will surely affect your child too. So, wake up!

Good luck!
Sandhya

 

manu,

all other ladies already gave you very good suggestions.
I just want to suggest you to be independant. Meet different people, try to find some work for you. May be you can take some course to learn local language. See if you can work there with indian medical degree else find out if you need to complete some courses/exams to start working as an doctor there. You are a doctor. Do not waste your talent and education.

In short start working and keep yourself bzee and that will somewhat reduce your expections from DH.

 

Re: am i becoming abnrmal

There is nothing abnormal.Everyone dreams and longs for a perfect life.
And i do get the same feeling.
Begining ,when i would hear or see other women being cared by their MILs ,i would be so much jealous and used to feel sad.
Now with husband..everything turned its way and even on TV,disqs..clubs,restautrant,..whereever i see men hovering around their GFs/wives ..i hate him more ,thats why i stopped going out...and keep my self in 4 walls (which is worse)'

and i think i will explode someday.
Only thing i can think is 'why' ,'why me' ...'why he cant'
I guess we just need to move away with our expectations from Men.
and start our own circle/social n/w to keep busy.

 

Hi Manu

You are not the only one who feels this way even I feel this way all the time. You are watching it on TV but i watch it in real life people around me. I just cant bear to see all those happy couples who cant stand apart from each other for few hours, confide and converse on every single thing, bond -connect so deeply. Who understand and love each other. I cant help crying -crying and cursing my fate that what have I done to have a husband like this. (Pls. don't take me wrong all these happily married ladies- I m just telling the sad truth of my life). This is turning me into emotionally unstable person also and spoiling and my kids life. My husband only blames me for all the wrong things but does not want to see the root cause of the problems. Its like he wants the best behaved, intelligent, very nice children raised at the hands of the emotional unstable mother, who is going insane day by day. Whenever I try to talk him, he just shuts me up saying I am still hung on my new bride life and dont think of kids, or either walks out which leaves me more boiling and exploding inside. God why these people marry in the first place if they cant provide the basic understanding to their spouse. He just wants a nanny/maid bec. of kids, not a wife for himself and he does want me to expect anything from him. I should carry on as a mother and nothing more.

But how can that be possible for long, I want husband, to love me, care for me understand me. Is it wrong? 10 Years suffering- won't this force me one day to look out and find it somewhere else - though a wrong choice. Where do i find outlet of my feelings - with somebody else who will take advantage of my vulnerability but how long I will able to suppress my feelings.

I am exactly in ur position, stuck in foregin land, foreign langauge, two kids, married without husband, nothing to look forward in life. How desparately we want our husbands to understand and care for us and till that happens, all other things to keep us busy will hardly change anything, bec. at the end of the day when u come back home, its still the same husband. Its like u r fooling urself and just avoiding the problem because u cannot solve it.

Lets try to carry on for kids, till we can and keep in touch.:hiya

 

Dear 'Asuitablegirl',

Your feedback here has been nominated for the FP of the month by Malyatha. I was really impressed by your sincere wish to help fellow members in their distress.

Manu's thoughts are not that rare. Most of us at one or the other time do fall for the romantic hero who shines on the silver screen. But when he walks out of the screen in flesh and blood, may be he is not all that alluring?!

Your reply was very thoughtful and very pragmatic.

Thanks for taking the time to advice and share your thought with everyone.

Congratulations on your nomination.

L, Kamla