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am i becoming abnormal

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by manu2345, Dec 5, 2009.

  1. manu2345

    manu2345 Junior IL'ite

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    hi
    i like this forum . i like to have your opinions on my problem. i have suffered a lot in my marriage. now i live in germany. but i watch hindi tv serials on you tube. there is one tv serial " YEH RISHTA KYA KEHLATA HAI" . these days when i watch the serial , i feel very jelous about that heroin (akshara) . that hero cares for her , always takes her side. i know this is serial . it is not true. but every day i watch this, and i feel to cry. i gets angry. why did not i get husband like that? why did i have to suffer so much? what was my fault? i fear am i becoming mad?
     
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  2. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    There is nothing abnormal in wishing for a 'perfect' filmy type hubby. Lots of girls fantacize snuggling up to a hunky Hrithik Roshan or being rescued by a clever SRK or romanced by humorous Ranbir Kapoor. And definitely in real life there are guys with such great qualities too. BUT unlike in movies, we get to see the 'whole package' in real life. Meaning, in real life maybe our hubby would be as good looking, as clever, as funny.... but also with some negatives too... like lazy, submissive to parents, or unromantic.

    You are getting emotional... maybe your needs aren't being met, or you are frustrated because you can not quite figure out WHAT it is that you so desire in your tv serial heros. You mentioned 'caring'. Is it that you wish your hubby would be more caring? Or that he would not let his parents to dominate you? Manu dear, it is a lot easier to get your hubby to be little more caring or little more protective... than to expect a movie hero to show up at your door. So instead of 'comparing'... think about which qualities you desire most and how you can get your hubby to understand your needs.

    Also, whenever you are feeling bad about the hubby you've got... try to think of some of his good qualities. Can't be all bad right?! You haven't said how long you've been married.... but definitely it takes time to get to know the person you are married to... so take the time to explore 'who' your hubby is and then see where there is room to improve. Also realize, that the changes you wish to see in HIM, may have to start in YOURSELF. If you want more specific advice, I suggest you write out a more detailed post explaining what exactly is going on. I did it a long time back, and it helped a lot. Good luck! :thumbsup
     
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2009
  3. roses_bloom

    roses_bloom Junior IL'ite

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    what you are experiencing is a symptom of the sorrow you have over a failed relationship.
    It seems to me that watching the serial provides you with an avenue to let out your feelings in a safe environment - ie by experiencing it through someone else's life ( in this case a fictional show)

    I certainly don't think that you are losing your mind. It only makes me think that you need an outlet for your emotions and you need a way to 'resolve' the issues of hurt, disappointment, feeling let down by life, and sorrow.

    Do you have friends or family that you can talk to about your sorrow and grief about not finding the right man? Try talking to someone that you trust and pouring your heart out. I think this forum might also be a good place for you to do that as well.

    Try talking out/writing out your feelings about " why i did not get such a husband' 'jealousy towards the actress' etc and see if that helps.
    what emotions do you go through in a typical week?
    disappointment
    feelings of being let down
    sadness
    unfairness
    hurt

    others....
     
  4. manu2345

    manu2345 Junior IL'ite

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    hi
    thanks for your replies. i will start to tell from begining . i have been married now for 7 years. we came to germany on 26 jan 2006. i have done m.b.b.s from maharashtra. i have two sisters and one brother. i am second daughter to my parents. my father is also a doctor and now retierd from govt service. i have a daughter of 5 years. i completed my internship on 4 jan 2002.
    all has started when i was in final year of medical. i dont know but i did not study properly. i was living in hostel and it was good . but i did not study and managed to pass only. did not get good marks. till then i was getting very good marks. that time it hurt me. and i got so depressed that i did not study for p.g exam at all. i never opened books. that time whenever i saw books, i remembered my marks and i just closed my books& went out. my parents scolded me but i never listened to them. i spent complete 2001 like this. i was doing internship that time. but that was not very hard work. so i did have lots of time after coming home at2 clock. so that time i thought i will get married. it was me who told my parents to find a boy. my parents told me that they will do my marriage after i finish my internship. but i did not listen to them . then everyday after coming home, i have only one work to look into magazine from marriage buro. and take list of boys and give to my mother. when i remember this i feel how silly i was. i never thought if someone says yes then i have to marry him. i did this for exatcly 11 months. then that time i never allowed my parents to live calmly for even 2 minutes. my parents were very annoyed by my behaviour. somehow no one said yes till this time. mostly the reason was my horoscope. then one day i and my mother were in marriage buro and on the phone the lady there was telling somebody my husbands name. my mother heard this. and she asked for the information. then we came home and my mother called them. then she went to give my horoscope. they said that they wanted to see me. then me and my mother went there. that time my husband asked me where did you work. i had got job only one month back that time. i told . then my sil said do you know cooking? my mother said yes. sil said that girls learn from cooking class and do those fancy dishes. we dont like that. cooking means traditional cooking. we did not answer anything. then fil said your height here written is 154 cm are you really that much ? i did not answer . we came to home. my mother called them thrice and told i liked your boy. he is perfect for manu. i felt very strange and told her not to call them . then they said yes. but i felt that this is not a good boy. he then came with his aunty, uncle, parents, sister and her daughter to see me again. that time he did not even look at me. i felt strange. they went . then i told my parents that i feel he is not good. but my parents did not listen to me. my other sil is also doctor and she works for govt.
    then my father called fil and said we will come to your home as he was not there for the first time. that the doctor sil did not talk me rightly and the eldest sil said our brother is youngest. in the car i told my parents i wont marry him. they did not listen. at that dh was in malasyia. after this he came and gave me watch. next day mil and fil came and they asked me about watch . i showed them. mil said he has brought many for his sisters. and she told him to bring onefor me. at the time of engagement my husband did not look at me. he did not talk to me. at time of buffet i went alone and started taking food. second sil came and said look he is there , go and eat with him. i went there. he did not say anything. then they all left. fil said my son chose her because of horoscope. there was 7 months time till marriage. my husband did not call me next 2 days . then he called me the next weekend and said come to our home. i went. then after some time he said we will go out. mil came till gate . we went for movieHARRY POTTER: in the interval he saw his collegue . he went and whole talked to him. when movie started again then he came. then after 20 mintue he said that we will go. i said we will watch complete movie and sat there.
    then the next he called me again and said his friend is coming , so come . i did not want to go. but did not find good excuse and said i have put oil in my hair . but he said you have to come. i went. mil, fil was there and his one cousin sister. his friend and wife came. my husband did not talk single word to me in front of them and started telling how that cousin sis is intelligent. then they went. me and my husband went out and dh said why dont you talk much.
    sorry for writing such a long post. i will tell rest in other post.
     
  5. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    7 years marriage
    and you remember so much..wow
    now coming to question you asked
    in movies and serials you find various characters doesnt mean same happens in life
    expecting and dreaming is not your fault
    but i am still puzzled by your second post becuase ultimately dint get what you tried saying:spin:spin
     
  6. manu2345

    manu2345 Junior IL'ite

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    hi
    yesterday my dd woke up and i did not write. my husband was in india for 1 month after engagment and went to germany on 7 months project. so in that one he met me twice. after his friend s visit , he did not meet me. one day he called and said he has told fil , mil to make passports. so make your also. i said why . he said he is going to germany, and come for marriage in between we both will go for rest of 1 month. i said ok. but i felt bad that everytime he first talks about his parents and then about us. that time there was no need to to talk about his parents. again he called and asked to come with him for shopping. i said ok. but then he did not call . finally the day when he was leaving, came. my father said we will go to say bye. we went there. both sils, their children, husbands were there. no one talked to us. i felt bad. we were not married and still these people were behaving like this to us. dh did not come for ling time . he was in bedroom . and second sil was packing his bags. somehow i managed to talked him and asked about his shopping. he hurridly said sil was with him and went to another room.
    to make it short this happened all the time. on our first night dh talked about his parents and how we should take care about them. i was hurt. on that time also he talked about his parents. he wanted all the sex but was not ready to talk few good words.
    as dh told mil fil to make passports ready , they got it ready. then they started saying first we will go with dh . then manu will go. otherwise she wont go. that time dh started saying i did not tell them to make passports.
    somehow we managed to go to germany. but in between many more bitter things happened. i was newly married. but no one cared about that.
    on the day of leaving , sils and mil fil packed my bags. i felt bad.
    i forgot to tell one incidence. my husband came back at time of wedding. he had brought gifts for all of them . but he did not give me anything. on day of living to germany , mil showed me one box of perfumes and said he had brought this for her. but she will give me after we come back. i did not understand why dh did not give it to me.
    that was last gift for me. in these 7 years i did not get single gift from him.
    all this happened all the time. i did not feel happy for a single time since i met him.
    he never opened his mouth against his parents. both sils used to come every evening till9 clock.
    mil did not allow me to cook anything . i was there only to clean table, dishes. there were 4 rooms in the house. but no bedroom for us. after we came back , mil joined two single beds a nd that was bed for us.
    whenever i said we will buy double bed. dh used to shout at me.
    then i said i want separate flat. i cant live here. dh made lot of shouting.
    this happened for 3 years. then he got job to germany and w ecame here.
    before coming , i had got permanent govt job, i was not ready to come . but that family envirnment was so bad . ihad to come as i had daughter with me .
    i donot understand ours was arranged marriage. no one forced dh to marry me. then why did he behave so badly? he never talked me properly, did not care about my careere .we watched movies only twice in these 7 years. both times i insisted him and there he was very angry all the time.
    i gave my complete salary to him and he made fds with that. i did not keep single rupee to me. i thought by doing this he will trust me.
    my parents tells me you asked us to do marriage. so now its your fault. dont come to us.
     
  7. manu2345

    manu2345 Junior IL'ite

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    hi
    again me. i know i did wrong by asking my parents to marry me . did not study. but was that so big mistake? why did not my parents give me one chance? i was telling them that i wont marry to this boy. i wont trouble them for marriage. give me one year , i will study and get pg seat. they did not listen.
    about dh- why did he show all the time that he did not love me. he did not prefer me. he never wished me on my birthday. never gave me gifts. he does not leave single chance to hurt me.if he was so unhappy then why he married me.
     
  8. raji1974

    raji1974 New IL'ite

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    Hai Manu,

    It seems there is a problem from your side only. You said your DH is changed.
    Now u tell me how much u r loving him. U r watching TV from that u r talking about hero. Try to watch tv serial where heroine is doing all the things. Have u ever tried to talk to ur DH regarding this.

    It seems u r going to deep depression. Go and meet the psychiratrist immediately. Take care.
     
  9. maggi99

    maggi99 Senior IL'ite

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    Manu, I see how much depressed you are that you have started comparing why your life is not like those of the characters in the TV.

    Well now being in germany, you have no change in life, all that u might be doing is taking care of yr baby needs, cooking, laundry, cleaning bathroom and in your spare time watch TV. There is no life beyond this in germany i know i live here. At the most once in a while u wd go to city center. No Neighbors who talk or desi friend circle.

    Upon all these language being a big barrier (though u might know conversational german with which getting job is tough).

    Try to develop some interest in blogging / writing articles which would keep you occupied. This can be even related to your field of medicene.

    This is the maximum thing that one can do being in germany (a **** of a life when DH is not understanding) but we have no options unless DH understands what we are undergoing and plan to move to english speaking land or back to india where we can be occupied with job. Am married for 2 yrs and live in deutschland and now am expecting my Little one in couple of months, with the N number of fights that me and DH had, though we liked each other and married. What i now feel is live here for an yr or little more then me and my little one back in india... and i can live my life there comfrotably and DH can be in any part of the world and visit us at his convenience till he decides to settle back in india... with in jst 2 yrs am so frustrated with DH and Inlaws behaviour.
     
  10. Drpreethis

    Drpreethis Gold IL'ite

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    First of all,

    Stop comparing your life with serials.. Those are just directed and not reality. Those are fantasies. How the hero of that serial is in real life none of us know. So, do you want your husband to pretend like that hero ? OR you want him to really get expressive from heart ? Think.

    You wanted to know, wether not giving a chance was yours or your parents mistake ? I say, it is BOTH. You didnt listen to them, when they told you what is right for you and they didnt take you seriously the next time. Simple.

    Think about it, Manu. Finishing internship is way too early an age to get married. You are a doctor and had to do something out of your degree. When your parents asked you to do PG.. they didnt force you. How would anyone feel when suddenly one day back from work, their kid comes and asks them to look for a partner to get married ? I mean, such decisions should be made at the right time. Forget the age. Your parents probably knew you well so they said wait. But, no you didnt listen. You were adamant because you thought you were right. Anyways, they did play along.

    I dont understand being quite a smart girl, why you had to go the guy's place ? It is usually the other way in India isnt. So, why didnt you stop your mom when she took you along to their house ? Didnt anything feel otherwise to you then ? If you felt that he wasnt the guy or the family you wanted to be married to, then why did you allow your mom to call them ' thrice ' ? Why didnt you stop them first ? Basically, you are not very sure of many decisons. So, you cannot expect your parents to play along with all the time, Manu. So, maybe this time, they didnt take you seriously. You didnt show them that you were serious either. When there is a gut feeling that this guy is not for you, you must have learnt to be strong in your decision this time.

    Anyways, marriage happened. Now, in an arranged marriage how comfortable can a guy get with his new bride, do you think ? He will be conscious 24/7 when he is with his family. He is an introvert ( you knew it quite well before marriage ) and also closely attached to his parents / siblings .. So what ? WHo isnt ? Now, maybe you feel otherwise, but he neednt agree isnt ?

    I dont understand what importance you need to get as a newly married person ? Marriage is not just about a person, husband/wife.. it is about an entire package that comes with the husband/wife ! You were married to the family and not just him. You cannot expect him to suddenly turn only a husband isnt ? He has always been a son and will remain so.

    But, not does that mean, you are replacable ? What are you even thinking ? You are his wife. A place no one except you can be to him in this world ! If he talks about his parents before he talks about you, fair enough. So, what ? He does about you isnt ?

    When there was no room given to you, you could've asked. Instead of asking for a double cot. If you asked and still didnt get, then, we handle the issue. If you were not allwoed to do cooking, you could have been firm on a few days. WHy do you think cooking is way superior a chore than cleaning your house ? Afterall, it is YOUR house isnt, manu ? Then why seperate chores .. ? I agree, any wife would want to cook for the husband.. If you werent allowed, then you go out of your way and cook sometime when no one is doing anything worthwhile in the kitchen.. Dont tell me, there are people 24/7 in your kitchen. However, you could play it slow, that wasnt a serious problem.

    Now, why rake up all that ? You talk about your husband not being expressive.. Have you ever thought " you didnt like him from the
    beginning " !! So, why are you wondering why he didnt let go off you when it was an arranged marriage ? It was for you too !! WHy didnt you let go ? Your parents didnt listen ? Maybe even his didnt too. So ? Now what ? DO you think, like the hero in that serial he didnt act like akshay kumar and stood against parents ? Why ddint you be bold like Katrina Kaif then ?
    Manu, dont wonder why he married you, when you yourself got into this wedlock without desire.

    He isnt expresive..fine. Not everyone are. You are, you think ? Then why dont you ? Is he going to throw you away when you are expressive ? Then tease him and tell him that he needs to be appreciative. He is a human after all, eventually he will acknowledge !

    Dont sit and watch soaps which make no sense and adds no value to our lives.. Dont get dramatic in life. Have practicality, Manu ! That is what you seem to be lacking. You are running low on self esteem and that is what is causing this deppression. Even in an alien country, there are many things you can do to keep yourself busy. You just need to find what suits you most. DO not tell me, it is easy to say and difficult to do. I dont agree with that.

    If you feel, you really feel very low and doing nothing worthwhile with your life, take up exams. I can see that you will say there are difficalities with it.. Have you tried ? If you dont have the interest to go for studies, fair enough. Look for voluntary job. Learn German. If you feel your daughter is too small, then look for like just few hours job in some daycare. You can be with her and keep yourself occupied too during the airtime of those silly soaps !

    If nothing seems to be working, take a break. GO to India. Apply for a job. Work for sometime . You dont have to live with your inlwas. You can live all by yourself, hire a nanny for your baby or move close to your parents house. See, there is no point in sitting and giving reasons for not being able to do things. You need to give up on few to gain a few.. You shouldnt say, my kid is too small and she needs me.. and I cant go out to do anything whereas my husband doesnt ' show ' his love and doesnt behave like the hero in the soap. Wrong. Forget what the hero does, look at what you are doing for yourself and improve your self exteem. Stop wasting time at home and get more active. Stop brooding about what happened when you were a new bride.. For God's sake Manu, it was 7 years back ! So, leave it there.

    You go out and live for yourself. Meet people and get into healthy social activities.. Forget wether husband tags along or not. The more you and the kiddo are busy with your lives, your husband will come running looking for the both of you !

    Take care.
     

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