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Am I bad for wanting them to leave every second?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Anamika99, Jun 30, 2011.

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  1. Anamika99

    Anamika99 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi all,

    thank you for all of your valueable suggestions. I have replied to i think most of you, if i have not suggestons are wonrg, but just to show eithere why it won;t work or why i can't implement it so that i can get more ideas from u
     
  2. Dhaanika

    Dhaanika Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Anamika,

    All I could offer in terms of insight is: You've either got to stand up for yourself and harness the courage to change your life in a way you want it to go, or you go on living according to others whims and fancies.

    Until when will you keep your life on hold for fear of confrontation about something that makes you SO uncomfortable every single day?

    You can't please everyone, and don't even live your life expecting to keep everyone happy. Try to be civil and courteous and all those good things, but there's no reason why your preferences about things and life in general should count any less than anyone else's in your family. Unless you speak out and get rid of your fear of offending someone, you will continue being caught up in this restricting bind.

    You know your ILs best, so you probably already know what would work best. None of us here are going to have the magic wand to change the ILs or their visiting patterns. All I can advise is, speak up when things bother you, and don't expect to keep everyone happy all the time. Learn to trust yourself and speak your mind more often. If you have trouble doing that, practice speaking with firmness and resolve, and stick to your guns. As long as you put forth what you feel with civility and within reason, you're perfectly within your rights to make your views known and do things to your preference in your own home.

    Also, confrontation and arguments are not things to be afraid of. We're raised to believe that its a bad bad thing to disagree, its disrespectful and so on, but it doesn't have to be that way. You have to learn to negotiate your needs and wants with everyone else's in the family to function well.

    All this stress is very bad for your health. Its also teaching your son an entirely unhealthy way to deal with confrontation and problems. I think you should seriously stop doing this to yourself this very minute.
     
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  3. billybob

    billybob Gold IL'ite

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  4. Anamika99

    Anamika99 Gold IL'ite

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    i understand this well it is hard to do and break rules...and i have lots of inertia now tha I do not feel like doing anything :(
     
  5. Happysoul1234

    Happysoul1234 Gold IL'ite

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    Then why are you asking for help on this forum. People have taken time out to come with ideas that will help you, and you say you don't have the energy to do anything? Then don't ask for help!

    BTW you are taking time out to reply to each and every one. And you are claiming you have no time to spend with your son ... you really need to set your priorities straight in life otherwise an innocent child will suffer the consequences of some one else's inertia.

    I hope god helps you in all the ways you need it.
     
  6. Anamika99

    Anamika99 Gold IL'ite

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    why can't i find help on this forum, when i think i know what to do but do not know how....may be i m just coward and need encouragement...i am replying to all, that is not my time taken away from son but from work...i have lots of inertia and that builds up everytime in-laws come. I cry a lot for no reason, and feel liek doing nothing....and it is mostly issue of time at home due to how schedule is made for cooking and other chores that when and how i want to spend time with my child, i can't. When they are not around, i will take off from work early, pick up my son and we will have good time together. If I take off early, I will be stuck with them...like day back, i cooked dinner - half of it in the morning, MIL cooked half of it so when i got from work, i had to sit down with them and just chill around doing nothing but entertaing MIL by keeping her accompnaied her for 90 mins. :bonkif i had not done that there would have been lots of complaining about lots of thing towards me and it would have affected me mentally so much that it could have come out on my son by shouting him etc. Due to my -in-laws I have been through depression treatment and everytime they come i become different person, not the same bubbly person who handles so many front happily...i become like a turtle who go back on shell ... and that is why i ask help here
     
  7. Anamika99

    Anamika99 Gold IL'ite

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    it is not question of energy, it is question of courage and bravery....
     
  8. Dhaanika

    Dhaanika Gold IL'ite

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    Anamika, I promise you'll find all the encouragement and support you need on IL if you promise to take a long hard honest look at what you're doing now, and what you can do to make your change.

    About knowing what to do, but not how - take small steps. Do something that makes you just a little bit uncomfortable. All 4 pages of this thread are full of wonderful advice from people who've been there and done that, pick one and do it today. If the thought of doing it with your ILs makes you cringe, try it with a friend who's just that wee bit more pushy than you're comfortable standing up to. If doing it with a friend is tough, just do it with yourself to practice - start attending to your needs for a change and not feel guilty or scared or whatever about doing it. Start practicing small.

    And can you give me a single reason for why you should subject yourself to this agony every day? Are you doing yourself, your DH, your son, or ILs any favors by depriving them of your best self for 6 months every year?

    A lot of it is the fear to speak up or to trust yourself that what you're doing is right. That's perfectly fine, all of us have our fears but we have to eventually do something about it if it begins to handicap our well being. If you don't care enough about your circumstances to want to change them, why in the world would anyone else? Going back in the shell won't help anyone.

    Please don't ignore your needs like this. I think you should also get a physical or whatever. Stress wreaks havoc on the body, but there are numerous other reasons too for the "inertia". See your counselor again if that helped in the past. Start getting some regular exercise if you're not already doing it. Depression can creep up on you, so make sure you're getting the medical attention you need.
     
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  9. billybob

    billybob Gold IL'ite

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    Most Women change with age, early in marriage they are insecure and try to please everyone for security, once kids are grown up or in their 40 s especially working women even home makers to certain extent change significantly and are less worried, more confident in life and have no patience for inconsiderate inlaws or spouses. It will take few more years for OP accept that it is ok to scale back cooking and cleaning for inlaws and spouse. I have noticed this change with my aunts, my mother and my sils, and myself as well.
     
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  10. Dhaanika

    Dhaanika Gold IL'ite

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    I agree, that's very valid!
     
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