Am I bad for wanting them to leave every second?

Anamika,
Iam not trying to be judgemental here, but just few questions and suggestions...

1. Have you ever thought about advantages having FIL & MIL over here, when our our kids are forgetting Indian culture and value (not everybody, just in general)
2. Have you ever thought what they are sacrificing to be here with you for 6 months (their freedom and their own way of doing things)
3. If your son gets married and your future DIL thinks same way, what would be your reaction?
....
Questions can keep going just like yours...I myself is still DIL and used to bring my MIL every 6 months until she passed away, I too thought how much discomfort to have somebody always 24/7, but still adjusted thinking how much our kids get to spend time with their Grand parents...remember when we were younger we used to spend lots of time with grand parents, uncle or aunts...The value will be realized later only...either after their death or when they stop coming for ever..in my case it happend after my MIL's death.

 

No you r not bad but you r very bad at planning things....there r many simple ways to tackle problems...

1. this is ur house , so act as owner of the house...when u r cooking , if u think ur MIL is staring at u always ...get a I pod put music with headphones n start cooking...she will get bored n go away...or put a table near u and make ur son sit n do home work (if he is old enough)...

2. why r cooking elaborate meals...plan a menu for week...n give her veges accordingly n tell her to chop them...if u start telling them only they will do... if u r hesitant to her...indirectly tell ur husband and no mom will see son cutting veg's n she will do it...

3. why did u made lot of snacks at home for trip...just go n buy from Indian store....there is a wide variety od snacks available...

4. cook in morning a lot...after coming home , take ur son and go to park n spend time with ur son...after coming home...just heat that n give them...they will also know that u r not at home...so they will eat...

5.take this time as good time for u n ur husband to have some quite time dinner or a movie...if they crib let them...

6. Ignore is the mantra...

 

I have lived in a joint family of 6 adults+1 kid for 5 yrs.So I dont want it anymore.Period.I agree with you on all the points mentioned.I sincerely wish elders know certain things.Iam ready to keep my MIL with me.But I also want my ME time.for eg.,I have not cut my hair,did not do facial,waxing thinking that she might feel bad.

 

Dear Anamika,

Everyone needs space and privacy. So you are not wrong in wanting it. I think you are trying too hard to please everybody and it is leaving you exhausted.

If they were here for only visit that is completely different then staying in a joint family because injoint families everybody actually share tasks,happiness,sorrow and even help parents get some "me" time.

First of all stop thinking of what kind of welcome you will get when you come home and start living life throughout the year as same otherwise you are pretending when they are here and that is exhausting you.

Talk to your husband about how much you are exhausted and talk about hiring help to cook and clean. Let him handle the situation about having date night at least once a month. every day you need to have some alone time with your son and no one should stop you. If they do have DH handle it.

You need to just relax and don't try to be too perfect. No one is.

Love
FL

 

if u sacrifice for one simple thing, u need to sacrifice ur whole lif for them...

if u want to do something , go do it, if u do couple of times, they will get used to it...

we have one life, so live to fullest, atleast some simple things you can offord to spare sometime and enjoy...please stopping thinking about what will they think...live ur life...

 

No you are not bad for wanting them to leave every second. I feel the same way, as do countless persecuted DIL's around the world.

What you have to remember is the following.
1. They will not change, will not appreciate, will not look after your interests/needs.
2. Only YOU have the power to make life better for yourself.
3. You have to stand up for YOURSELF, nobody else will.
4. Have confidence in what you do, and do not let anyone else pull you down because of what they think you should do.
5. You are a human being, with needs, wants and feelings. If they cannot respect you, don't beg for it. Believe in yourself and your good qualities.
6. Use DH to communicate your needs and wants to them. Eg get him to tell them you will cook only once a day, you will spend 1:1 time with son. They will dare not disagree. They may grumble / pull long faces but they will not go against son's decision.

If I were in your shoes I'd do the following.
1. Start cooking once a day in the evening. Mention casually to your husband that cooking twice a day without any help is taking a toll on your work and you are afraid to lose your job etc. Make enough for dinner and the next day's lunch. If your IL's grumble, let them. if they make long faces, let them. If they say anything to you, tell them you will discuss with them IN FRONT OF YOUR HUSBAND ONLY.
2. After you come back from work, ask your IL's casually - could you please make tea for me like you do for DH. Only do this in front of DH. See what happens. Hope DH stands up for you if they say no.
3. Decide on your priorities. Son and job are important. Make time for that. Tell DH in confidence or ask your son's teacher to talk to DH and stress the importance of 1:1 time with you. Explain to DH that 3 times a week you will go for outing with DS. Let him give this news to IL's.
4. If you cannot manage it all, hire someone to help with daily chores. With 2 incomes, I am sure you can afford it. My IL's grumbled when I hired cleaners who came in every 3 weeks, and grumbled more when I hired a nanny for my son. I let them complain to their heart's content. Then I told them it was their son's decision, not mine. That shut up them for good.
5. If your MIL stares at you, ask her if she needs something, is that why she is staring at you? Or else, put on an IPOD. Just Ignore. Sometimes, we have to give them benefit of doubt. Maybe your MIL admires the way you cook and is just looking to learn (mine did). So eother ignore or ask her what's going on. BUT DO NOT FEEL INSECURE.
6. If they can help in any way, take their help. It may be on their terms, but you will have to learn to live with it. That's part of the game when living in a joint family.
7. Focus on getting enough sleep. If that means dishes remain undone, let it be. If they complain, let them. Tell them you will get to it when you have the time. Be confident in your actions and words.
8. Develop a thick skin when it comes to comments.
9. Unless they specifically spell it out, don't assume they are thinking bad abt you or complaining about your actions/words. Non-word communication is often mis-interpreted.

 

I know exactly what you mean. Don't worry.

Let her cook. Either she will stop complaining or you will get used to her complaining. It will be a new and different kind of problem but at least you will get some rest. You can also do one thing that make dal, subzi in the morning and she can make rotis later. Involve your DH. Even simple tasks like washing dal and vegs. are great help. While you are having tea/breakfast, your lunch will be ready.