1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Am I abusive ?

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by canon, Feb 6, 2010.

  1. canon

    canon New IL'ite

    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Hi Everyone,

    I have been reading through various posts around here and am really amazed by the problems being discussed and the support and suggestions being shared. I have been trying to get suggestions reading various posts about the problem I have and thought, it would be more appropriate to seek some thoughts by directly posting my problem.

    We have been married for 4.5 yrs now and we have a lovely daughter. I would not say, our life was very good so long, but was good, with the usual quarrels and compromises. Now for the past 3months, my wife is living with her parents, have admitted my daughter in a school in their place, and refuses to speak to me nor allow me to speak to my daughter. I realise, all these were sparked by some exchange of words, that I landed into when my MIL visited us, and wanted to take my DW back with her and my DW can go for some work, where as I resisted saying she can very well find a job here with me itself. There has been no communication for the past three months, after they left without informing me, when I was away at office, taking my daughter. My repeated attempts to get in touch on phone was ignored and my common friend was turned away and my bil, was told that I have abused my DW, treated her as slave and mis-behaved with my mil etc., and they wanted to talk in person with my bil who lives in a different city. After a long time, today my call was attended and again I was alleged that I misbehaved and abused etc., and was threatened that they would initiate legal action against me for my behavior, if i don't come to terms ( don't know what terms ?) We live in different metros in India.

    I have been thinking for long, that only mistake I did was to get in to quarrel with my mil, where as well, she was on the leading front, trying to provoke me, while i tried hard to keep my cool. My wife clearly knows everything as she was witness to this and she also knows well, how much I love her and my daughter. I have treated her well, and shared the family responsibility etc., i knew she was getting depressed at home alone, and tried to get her engaged in something or other, but she was not able to hang on on one thing for some time. I also wanted to make her independent, as she was pampered in her house, and was not much exposed to external world or friends / relatives before marriage.

    What can I do now ? I miss my dear daughter a lot and not to mention my DW as well. The way things are going, there is no indication from their side for anything positive. I am literally being blackmailed, keeping my wife and daughter as hostage under their control.
    Any thoughts ?
     
    Loading...

  2. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,284
    Likes Received:
    28
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Male
    Canon, there are many many couples, who have heated exchanges, so many verbal abuses, physical abuses, still there are educated women who dont think of leaving, they try to work it out. From what you have described, it makes me feel that your MIL has instigated her to go with her and even corrupted her mind, the mere fact that she took your wife and your daughter with her without informing you and now you are not even allowed to contact, is really bad, but this is not one of its kind case, this thing has been happening all the time ...

    Men have been blackmailed or emotionally ruined by their wives and their in laws by taking away kids and being merciless by not allowing them to talk and meet, with a fear that kids will get attached to them.... That becomes womens (wifes) weakness then...

    However, is that one istance in itself that caused your wife to go? why are they saying you treated her like slave? I have no doubt that you did not do that, because I know people like these how they put allegations and how they behave... For their own justification , they will put all that allegation which have zero base.....

    But a little more background as to what happened to ruin the relations will make things better to understand..

    For now I am thinking, you will be served divorce papers shortly...or another reason could be to ask you come begging on your knees.
     
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2010
  3. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    7,302
    Likes Received:
    954
    Trophy Points:
    270
    Gender:
    Female
    I guess this might be the reason..if divorce is what they are planning, by now he might have got the papers or some notice...

    Canon

    Being a husband, why do you have to wait for them to give you the permission, go to your wifes house along with any of your friends or your BIL, call your wife and tell her you want to talk to her one on one. With no interference from her mom. Ask her openly if she wants to live with you and if she wants this marriage. If Yes then ask her lets discuss and fix the issue...if she doesnt come out or her mother doesnt let you both talk, then tell her clearly that you wont take all this nonsense and will file a complaint against her and her mom for kidnapping your daughter without informing you and that you would take a legal action. See the reaction and follow through the next steps.

    Having said that, However if the words/fight was really bad, and if you had gone out of control in your words with your MIL, it sure would be blown out of proportion (think if it was your wife, who had done what you had with your parents...how would be your parents reaction...) so think for yourself, about the kind of verbal fight you all had, how mean and serious was it and what was it about and why....if anywhere you felt you shouldnt have crossed the line, then just have some patience, call up twice or thrice, apologize and talk to your wife too and tell her that such situations wont happen again and everyone would keep control over their anger. Try to handle it with patience.
     
  4. canon

    canon New IL'ite

    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Thanks for your time and suggestions.

    Mere thought of getting a notice served or filing a complaint against them is driving me crazy. Cant think of living without my wife and daughter.

    Yes, for the past one year or so, I can see her getting bored at home,feeling loneliness, and getting depressed at times. I do all possible things to divert her away, suggested her to look for a job if she preferred and helped her with all initiatives. But her problem was, she would start something with full josh but all her interests would not last more than a month. Between us,we still had some more plans to be attempted / executed.

    Yes I do realise that there were one or two instances where i had crossed the lines and i had apologized for the same already. These have always been after a provoking act from their side. There have been many from their side, which they refuse to realise / accept. Last three months, I tried not to bother her much, to give her time to think through what is her priorities in life and is she on her right track. But now, after speaking to them yesterday,I don't think there has been any progress, but the situation is becoming worser. I came to know, she is going for a small time job now, which I am happy about, as she can see the world, and can be a little out of her parents mind wash. Should I give her more time ?

    But I miss my daughter much, especially all those happy moments of her childish innocence, which I am not going to get back ever. I am still trying to find out, what was my mistake, that made her take such decision.
     
  5. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    752
    Likes Received:
    119
    Trophy Points:
    108
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Cannon,

    I am sorry to hear about your situation. You have as much as right as your wife to be a parent to your daughter as she does unless a court of law stops you. Unfortunately some couples use the child as a pawn for their ego tussles without realizing the effect this has on the child. I went through similar troubles after my delivery and I strongly felt my son needed both parents. My in-laws asked my husband to divorce me and my parents also asked me to separate. Both we both decided to keep our respective in-laws and parents out of our married life. This was not a decision that came in a eureka moment but rather a painful lesson learned through the hard way. I think this decision helped me in providing a normal family environment for my son.

    Have you talked to your wife on the need of having both parents in the life of your daughter. My advice is to solve the problem in the beginning using a softer approach, compromising short term pains for long term gains and only finally escalating if nothing is working your way. Don't bring divorce, custody battles and separation early in the battle. Try to find out what has angered your wife so much and find out if you need to make amends. In the beginning be as gentle as you can and issue ultimatiums and threats only at the very, very end. Hope this helps. Good luck.

    Regards,
    Kavya.
     
  6. rajkanmani

    rajkanmani New IL'ite

    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    Canon - First of all I feel sorry for the situation you are in.. But I just wanted to help you overcome this..

    In my view point - your wife feels you being abusive and never got guts to tell you directly.. I doubt she was able to share your actions and her being hurt with their family members and not you. This shows that she was fearing or pulled back for some reason.

    This might be because of the way you generally react to wrong comments.. (Just a guess).

    And one more thing the sole reason for she leaving you might really not becoz of the quarrel you had with MIL. It might be one among the reasons. You will surely know if you speak with her openly.

    Since she has not filed any papers or sent any notice to you she is just waiting for you to realize and get back. She expects some term of agreement with you, so this wont happen again and that is what you want as well after all.

    When you say I did not disturb her for past couple of months - you might feel you want her to take her own time - but she might have felt this guy no more needs me or the kid and he has neglected me. Which according to your words is not true. But if you take time to react and stop your communication in between this will never end.

    There is no problem until you have arguments. But there is a problem if there is no communication. So you are with the second stage, which is tough and try to overcome this soon or else this might be for ever..

    I would suggest dont give time intervals between your attempts. Try to sort it out in a day or two. After all its for your wife and the kid.. Call her.. speak with her.. put your priorities - and now the important part listen to her.. assure her you can adjust yourself to sooth her.. Never get on to any quarrel.. Before you speak you must make up your mind to what you need the most.. If its her and your kids come back.. never get on to nerves, because that wont help you in this attempts..

    Speak with their family member.. apologize for what you did (after all they are elder and theres nothing wrong in forgetting and apologizing).
    When you say you already did it might be at the time of the quarell and the wounds were fresh. But now it might have healed and sure they will also realize. Talk to your FIL or BIL and express your sorry for all have happened and your decision to get back.

    Even if it sounds you bending down, I assure you that its worth it because you say you still love your wife and you want her back. Then she deserves it. Do this from your side and she will replicate sooner or later... But dont expect anything now.. Because she has to burst before she get along.. so dont mind getting blasted after all she also needs an outlet. Prepare for the worst and start in to action.. The more you delay the more worst it gets..

    By this time your wife would have learned to lead life with out you and if that becomes a routine for her then I doubt she will get back..

    If you really want them back you should fight for it. Earn them back my friend.

    I am sure they are waiting for you as you do.. All the best my dear friend.. I will pray for you..
     
  7. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,862
    Likes Received:
    5,086
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    Cannon, one thing is sure that you're on the tempramental/ agressive side that you blew up your MIL, in today's world this is more or less equivalent to a DIL blowing up at her MIL/FIL even on provocation..... They'll throw her out, whereas in former the parents will take daughter away.

    One of my relative is angry young man, for his first engagement he had same difficult, interfering MIL.. he thought he can set his MIL right.. but was gravely proven wrong after a fight with her.. good that it dint happen after marriage but he was left broken... since he loved his fiance & never thought that in the world today a mother can lock her daughter and not let her talk to her hubby to be... this relationship never progressed.

    I think for her & daughter's sake enroll yourself to some anger management control class (if available in office) and send her across a note to her with your admission details with a rose & no apology... if this can translate meaning good enuff.
     
  8. ganges

    ganges Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,858
    Likes Received:
    51
    Trophy Points:
    110
    Gender:
    Female
    dear canon

    I am really sorry about your situation. If you really wanted to be with them again, dont think about what is wrong and right. Just go to your in laws house with somebody ( this is very important because your visit can be twisted into any kind ) and stand strong in meeting your wife alone. Try to explain your part as calm as you can . All the best.


    ganges
     
  9. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,785
    Likes Received:
    7,296
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Canon,

    First of all, my sympathies to you for the unfortunate situation you find yourself in.

    As one of the persons have suggested here, you need to directly communicate with your wife. Since you say that you get angry when others provoke you, I advise strongly against meeting your wife personally or talking to her. Any change in your tone / body language might turn the situation worse.

    Instead write a sincere letter; or even better, an e-mail (letters could be hidden from her, if her parents are particularly vengeful).
    - tell her that you love her dearly and that you miss living with her and your daughter.
    - tell her that you are keen to work out the issues one on one.
    - request her to write back to you about each issues that caused her distress, so that you can see how to fix the problem.
    - inform her that you are looking forward to hearing from her.

    When you get her reply, you might be shocked by the way she has perceived the same incident that you remember differently. Take your time to digest each allegation; think long and hard about it and reply to her. I feel you might not have meant much harm by saying / doing certain things but she might have felt intimidated. Assure her that you love her and you want to communicate with her, learn what pleases her and make her happy.

    I sincerely suggest that the two of you write to each other for a short while before meeting/ talking over the phone. That way, you can really think about every word you use. There will be no one interrupting you or provoking you.

    Please refrain from trying to meet them or sending your family to meet them. My poor in-laws through hell with their other daughter-in-law who twisted the story and complained falsely to the police. By trying to maintain only written contact, you and your family will be safe also.

    All the best. Take care.
     
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2010
  10. canon

    canon New IL'ite

    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Thank you all who took time to post those wonderful suggestions. Apologies for not being active on my responses.

    Just to update

    After my last post after calling them up and getting a very very negative response, I did not had any communication. I could not write emails, as she do not access the internet so frequently when with her parents. Writing was a good option, but somehow, I was hesitant.

    Last weekend, I met them at their house, me alone. As expected, got a good blast with all sorts of abusive and offensive languages from her father, while she was watching and her mother supporting her father. My daughter being witness to all these. I tried keeping my daughter away. I chose not to reply to any of their words / allegations as they were simply not in a mood to listen / understand anything. As rightly said, even very minor details which otherwise would be considered personal between a man and his wife, were exaggerated by her parents. Finally after they were exhausted after almost 3 hours, I coolly asked them, what do they expect from me further, and what is their further plans.

    They were not satisfied blasting me, and wants my parents (aged 80 and 74) to come to their house for another round. I am taking help of my BIL in this, whom they seem to have a little faith on, to interfere and mediate. Both of us feel, a session of plain / open talk would resolve this issue. But, we are just waiting for her parents, to come to a stage where they can listen to us.

    I can see the effect of all these on my daughter. All her childhood naughtiness are gone. Her face and speech are more serious now. She is just 3+, and in the midst of the session, she is asking me not to fight else she will cry, when i attempted to reply to one of their allegations. For her sake, I chose not to react and let them vent out their anger. I tried speaking one on one with my wife, but she insisted me talking to her parents and shared the same stand as her parents. My FIL has chosen to admit my daughter in a school nearby to their house, and all these actions strongly suggests me all sorts of negative thoughts.

    PS : I am not generally a angry young man and am known for keeping my cool under pressure. The quarrel I had with my MIL, was my replies to her allegations and my questioning of some facts, which had offended them.

    I am just hoping
     

Share This Page