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Am I a Feminist?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by gauridinesh, Jul 21, 2015.

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  1. Jul 22, 2015 #11
    gauridinesh

    gauridinesh Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes . Those were the exact words.
    :) Did not google it. Sorry- my mistake. I express my opinions. I am NOT overtly assertive, definitely not aggressive and not emotional. I express my opinion and if the mood gets tensed, I back off. Again, I dont think I turn people off - but a few ( a very few) men have made a face when I told them what I think :)
    Appreciate it. The point is, whole of my college life I have been wondering if there is something wrong in a woman expressing her feelings. Not that I was a loner or didnt have friends. I was a cheerful person. I had lot of friends and I definitely didnt feel that people avoided me because they were put off by me.I Just managed to irritate off some 4 or 5 guys in college. thats all.

    I Don't harp about it or annoy him with it constantly. I do what I need to do , for parents and in-laws. I dont like the fact that my parents are always expected to call in-laws and never the other way round. But I dont argue over it.
    At occasions when there has been talk of "You need to stay at my parents place more during vacations because my parents are alone and in-laws house is technically now your house", I have not agreed to it. I say " 3 days at your place and 3 days at my place. Equal time for both set of parents".thats all :)

    I have my bank account, he has his. We both have access to each others accounts.(meaning passwords). If he needs anything, he takes from mine and informs me , if I need I take from his and do the same. We discuss savings and plans , but everything is done by both of us after discussion. Initially after marriage there was talk of a join account and "handing over" of salary to husband, but I told him I am not for it. Took some time, but he is ok with it now.
     
    gauridinesh, Jul 22, 2015
    gauridinesh, Jul 22, 2015
    #11
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  2. Jul 22, 2015 #12
    gauridinesh

    gauridinesh Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks dear. What hurt me (a lot) is that he knew I was like this. What hurts me is his question of "Why cant you be like others". After 10 years of marriage, it somehow affected me a lot. Made me think there is something really wrong with me. Probably there is. Maybe I should back down. Dont know.
     
    gauridinesh, Jul 22, 2015
    gauridinesh, Jul 22, 2015
    #12
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  3. Jul 22, 2015 #13
    VKumaraswamy

    VKumaraswamy Senior IL'ite

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    Hi GauriDinesh,
    I think you are right in your views. It takes a lot of courage to stand up for your beliefs, well done.
    Perhaps the only change we can make is to make sure our children are brought up to think of themselves as good human beings first, rather than defining themselves by their gender.
    You will have to decide whether your battle about being outspoken is worth fighting, but all the best.
    Xxx
     
    VKumaraswamy, Jul 22, 2015
    VKumaraswamy, Jul 22, 2015
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  4. Jul 22, 2015 #14
    gauridinesh

    gauridinesh Platinum IL'ite

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    Thank you so much. Very true. Thanks again.
     
    gauridinesh, Jul 22, 2015
    gauridinesh, Jul 22, 2015
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  5. Jul 22, 2015 #15
    justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    This right here...he should have married because of who u are not inspite of who u are.



    Lots of urs ...mine and very less ours.
    permission...heavy word...why do u think it has to be that way ?
     
    justanothergirl, Jul 22, 2015
    justanothergirl, Jul 22, 2015
    #15
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  6. Jul 22, 2015 #16
    gauridinesh

    gauridinesh Platinum IL'ite

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    My parents and his parents - the divide has always been there. He has never treated mine as his own. And his have never treated me as their own.
    When i was the bright eyed,newly married DIL - I used to do everything for them, consider them my parents etc etc. Later realized its not worth it. So now, i have stopped expecting it out of him and them.(it will always be them. in case of parents. Rest, I dont mind).:)
    Permission- I used it because that word was thrown around a lot by my in-laws. "Did you take permission from my son to go out with friends?". "Did you take permission from my son to buy a phone for your dad?". " My son wont like you wearing that. You should take his permission before you go out like that". These were questions raised in the initial couple of years :)
     
    gauridinesh, Jul 22, 2015
    gauridinesh, Jul 22, 2015
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  7. Jul 22, 2015 #17
    Sunrise

    Sunrise Silver IL'ite

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    I am also vocal about inequality to women, some female issues and disagree on how boys parents have more rights on everything including DIL's earnings. I have no problem if someone calls me a feminist and many times some MCP men have made faces on my opinions, :cheers. I like it that way, you don't need to please everyone.

    I don't think you did anything wrong and with this incidents on the post you were just trying to show that how you responds when you have a difference of an opinion. I can relate to some of your experiences. There are some who can talk on face and express opinion and then there are some who prefers to be goody goody in large groups and then open up with close friends, some will even talk on your back. It's still difficult for many Indian men and some women to accept that how can a woman have her opinion and can talk fearlessly. Don't they get tagged like dominating, husband can't control her types? Don't fall into such mind games, it won't help. If you standup for what is right and equality, your kids will learn from you and in future this trait of leading by example will help them.

    As far as your husband's comments goes, I think he might have got intimidated on how his friend's think about him as his wife cannot keep quiet like how other's wives do. If this is a one of case, just let it go. May be sometimes chose to ignore and express your opinion when you find it necessary. For example, I also find those husband wife jokes very much outdated, sexist and not worthy of even reading. I used to respond by expressing my displeasure but then I decided to ignore it. Now these people who were sharing such jokes on what's app have run out of new jokes so it's all peaceful.

    You need to concentrate only on one aspect, that is your relationship with your husband. Talk to to your husband when he is in good mood and tell him that this is how you have been and he fell in love with the same you. You have not changed from beginning, why does he want you to change now. What is it that bothering him.
     
    Sunrise, Jul 22, 2015
    Sunrise, Jul 22, 2015
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  8. Jul 22, 2015 #18
    gauridinesh

    gauridinesh Platinum IL'ite

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    @Sunrise - Thank you so much. It made my day. You perfectly understood what I was feeling. Thanks again.
     
    gauridinesh, Jul 22, 2015
    gauridinesh, Jul 22, 2015
    #18
  9. Jul 22, 2015 #19
    Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    Gauri, the underlying issue is - your H (like some or many Indian men), are fine with a girlfriend being outspoken, they can fall in love with an 'outspoken girlfriend', but they want a more submissive wife. They will want the outspoken gf to turn into a more submissive wife.

    Some realize their want for a 'quiet and submissive girl' (nothing wrong with a quiet or submissive girl, their nature) before marriage and they will pick a submissive natured girl (again nothing wrong with it) as a wife. Some 'fall in love with gf', marry and once 'honeymoon months and initial intimacy novelty months' is over, they wake up and realize OMG she is not submissive and quiet.

    And they feel their other guy friends who married more submissive/quiet wives are "luckier" and they did a wise decision.

    He still loves and will love you, but sometimes wishes he married a quieter meeker person. Too late lol :)
     
    Ragini25, Jul 22, 2015
    Ragini25, Jul 22, 2015
    #19
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  10. Jul 22, 2015 #20
    gauridinesh

    gauridinesh Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes.I agree completely. Too late for him though LOL :)
     
    gauridinesh, Jul 22, 2015
    gauridinesh, Jul 22, 2015
    #20
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