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Am I A Feminist? Even If I Am -is That Bad ?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by winterhue, Feb 25, 2021.

  1. winterhue

    winterhue Finest Post Winner

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    It does not happen in my circle either , but i know that my FIL sits around waiting for someone to "serve" him , and my dad used to do the same when mom was alive. Most of my friends here haven't reported such issues either. So I wonder if it is a "generation" thing.
     
  2. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Am I feminist?

    No, you are not, at least, not because you thought a man could make his own cup of tea in the current day and age.
    TV Serials are extrapolations of what really happens in normal households. The wife waking up worshiping the Mangalya, having a shower first before getting into the kitchen, serving tea to all men and seniors at home, ironing the clothes of husband in a hurry to see him off to work, making food hurriedly to pack it for the children, get the children ready with their uniform, serving breakfast at the dining table for those going to work, etc.

    In reality, women go to work too nowadays. Everyone has to contribute to routine work at home. That include, cooking, cleaning, washing dishes, washing clothes, etc. Who in the right frame of mind would call you feminist?
    In my personal view, anyone who is objecting to one gender being subservient is normal only. It reaches the test of abnormality, only when one gender wants to rule the other. We called it patriarchy.
     
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  3. winterhue

    winterhue Finest Post Winner

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    Loved the response! Some of my friends who don't go to an office to work (a.k.a homemakers), also have not told of such behavior from the men of the house . I wish TV serials would start showing such households in their stories too. Where it is normal for the guy to make chai for the wife while the wife is sitting on the dining table reading a newspaper. Or maybe they already are showing it, I just haven't caught a glimpse of such serials yet!
     
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  4. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    I have a few theories about why feminists and feminism get a bad rap when their goal is only to undo and set right the unfairness and inequality women have suffered for ages. The below are those theories, not critique of the quoted parts.
    It is considered OK to say a man can make his own tea. But woe betide anyone who says "the home-maker woman can go earn a living."

    If the woman does not contribute to the income of the family even with no little children to care for, it is called her decision and she has the right to make that choice, or the couple make that choice together. It is rare to read a comment that 'in this day and age, every able adult in the family has to contribute to the household income by earning money.'

    The above list are traditionally woman's roles and when the man does not help in these, it feels bad to behold in real life or a tv serial. Yet, when we see the man performing roles typically associated with men, all seems right with the picture.

    An example from life in this pandemic: Women found themselves resenting the fact that they became automatically responsible for more meals at home, cleaning more dishes in the sink and handling a messier always occupied kitchen. It didn't strike us that we also automatically assumed the man would take care of keeping the cars running, negotiate with auto insurance for a reduction and refund, research what to do about gasoline going stale in the tank, make sure we use all cars. The woman expects that if she starts a car, it should run. Other than filling gas in it, she won't do anything to maintain it. The man researches whether it is necessary to buy a car cover, which covers are good.

    The sentiments in Viswa's post and other posts in the thread are what people now-a-days are expected to say. The points in my post are wholesomely discouraged is public debate. If a professor, teacher, celeb, politician, judge, lawmaker, clergy person, doctor, social worker ... says something remotely similar to what I said above, it will go viral and they can kiss their career goodbye.
     
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2021
  5. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    The 2020 movie Thappad starring Taapsee Pannu shows her running around the house like a headless chicken each morning. She is taking medicines to a MIL perfectly capable of remembering the medicine time and dosage. She runs behind the already-late leaving-for-work husband with an unwrapped chocolate bar (not the handkerchief of yore). He is opening the car door and impatiently refuses to take a bite.

    I didn't find many cringing at that. If anything, that devotion to family was highlighted when she suffers a thappad later in the movie. Why is Pannu's service to the family more palatable than the docile bahu's in tv serials serving chai?

    Do TV serials show a working woman marrying a man who has no job and no plans to take one up?

    When the car winding up a narrow hill-station road breaks down, do the serials show the man sitting warm and dry in the car while the woman steps out to investigate in the thunder and lighting wala rain?
     
  6. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    this word feminist is
    :)

    that serial will not run for more than a week. Drama is called Drama for a reason. they need money and emotions bring money.
     
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  7. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

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    I don't understand why your husband thinks you can't be both a feminist AND a normal/average Indian housewife at the sametime. This might be because of the overuse of the word in this time and sort of hijacking the meaning of the ideology from equality to spinning a narrative that the female gender is superior to the male gender. Feminism is quite simply asking for equal rights for both sexes. Of course, there's blatantly misogynistic things all around us, but at an individual level, I think the equilibrium is definied by personal situations and circumstances. So from that perspective, if a woman in a household want to be the nurturer and the man the provider, and they're both consenting to their respective roles, I don't think there is a problem. I used to think earlier that women who adhere to traditional gender defined roles are supposed to be unhappy and assumed that they must be living unfulfilling lives. After over a decade of being married, I realize that couldn't be further from the truth, and judging women from my own skewed view of what equality or feminism means is really also in a way demeaning women.

    As for your question on whether you are a feminist, sure... there isn't any checklist you need to check off to call yourself one.

    One more peeve of mine, not pointing to you in particular, but something I have observed in general is about watching TV serials. Why do people always put disclaimers that they don't actually watch them, but it is almost always an accident while channel surfing or MILs visiting or a shallow friend who watches all these supposedly useless shows? I don't understand this irrational fear of being judged in some manner just because you watch a particular show. I watch some of these soap operas and frankly quite enjoy them. I don't use them as a standard for the society or have never had an epiphany or self-realization or anything from watching them. I watch them because I like to watch them, as simple as that!
     
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  8. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I am a feminist and i am proud to say it loudly :)
    But at the same time, I am a caring house wife and a dotting wife & mom in my home. It is my duty to wake up first in the house & make the chai for all. I am primarily responsible for cooking & all the stuff inside the house. But of course i delegate my responsibilities to others at home too.

    My H on the other hand is responsible for the outside chores, such as grocery shopping, bills and business matters that's equally important to run the family.

    We are not equal. Men & Women are not equal. But, we both have equal rights & equal responsibilities.

    Being a feminist means that you fight for the equality of all people. It's important that your feminism is intersectional; it should not exclude people based on their gender, race, socioeconomic status, ability, or sexual orientation.

    Feminism is NOT about thinking or speaking about women's rights & liberty alone as it is portrayed mostly.

    Coming back to that tele series....
    Yes, in most families especially joint families the women who stay at home usually look after the household matters, including cooking & nurturing the family.
    It is the tradition & many women are good at doing it.

    Similarly, the men in those families work outside, provide for the family & take care of the family's entire financial needs.

    Both do their duties in their own way. That's their tradition. That's how they maintain equality.

    But in modern families like ours, women go to work & earn an income. Provide for their families, so the men do share the household chores. That's how they try to be equal.
     
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  9. Roar

    Roar Gold IL'ite

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    My husband hates the movie Thappad. Gives no reason why. That movie is literally a virtual slap to many men, physically abusive or not.

    Patriarchy is still very dominant in India; anyone who is not supportive of it and is neutral to it,is a feminist ( Leave alone going against it). We havent even gone until equality yet but many men are suffocating already.:rolleyes:
     
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2021
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  10. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Those of us who are feminists also need to have an understanding Life partner and family members who understand our beliefs and accommodate our points of view wothout being judgemental...
    My MIL and FIL are extremely old fashioned people who believe that laides should do all household activities and works without any help and men should only relax and do outside work...even if a woman is working she should do hundred percent of house work and cooking. My FIL is one such person who never helped his wife with any work since day one of marriage and wanted to be waited upon hand and foot by MIL and even now wants to sit comfortably and wants ladies to serve coffee, tea, food etc at table no matter how much time and effort it takes and how busy we maybe. .my MIL keeps lecturing me on how a woman should be subservient to men and obey elders always and manage all work without taking rest even I feel unwell and never answer back to anyone...they’re passing on their beliefs to my husband and influencing him to suppress me...
    So , being a feminist also gathers lot of opposition and feminist need to be bold to practice their views.
     
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