Aligning on Parenting Philosophy.

Attitude and upbringing wise, DH and I are poles apart although the financial conditions and the education and value systems are similar.
He is more laid back and I am the always busy one!

As parents, we both are mostly a team, we both dont judge other parents and each other. We both agree not to fight in front of kids, we both agree on most value systems.

If we see a kid whose behavior is wrong, we both automatically give gyaan to the kid.
If we see a kid with unique talent, we both rush to give a hug and buy a gift!
If we see a kid hurt, we immediately help him and forget all other commitments!

But when it comes to our son, I feel he is a great kid despite our parenting

Every discipline, I teach, DH says - dont worry, it is not so important
I ensure school attendance and work is important, DH asks - what will happen if he misses school for a day
I say wake up early - DH says - let him sleep !
I say have bath, do pooja - I didnt see you doing pooja - DH says - no issues
I say be on time - DH says - dont worry, if you miss the bus I'll drop you!

I say dont sit on dad's lap - DH says - he will sit on my lap another 1-2 years, after that he wont fit anyway

Due to our differences in parenting, I learnt to be more laid back and I let a lot of things go and DH learnt to be more serious and focussed

Slowly, as our son grows older, I see that our goals and targets are merging ! We ask him to get serious on similar things. We allow him to get away with things that we agree on...

We learned parenting on the go and aligned ourselves gradually

 

Well, these days lot of things being said and practiced regarding parenting. In our days, ie when we were kids, around 30 years back, parenting was not a concept at all. Children were just expected to obey their parents. But mostly things didnt go wrong. On the contrary we try hard to be good parents, however the children grow up with a more materialistic attitude.

How many children would share a LAYS chips packet with a maids kid ?
How many children today know how to treat a guest at home?
How many children today know the difficluties of being poor and being hungry?
How many children are aware of other kids being homeless on a rainy day?
How many children are friendly with the other chilrden who need special care?
How many children know about achievers in fields other than cinema?
How many children know what their grandparents did for a living?


Sharing and caring has become one way business now. We are always teaching our children to compete with another child, neighbour or a relative. The child becomes so self centered that after growing up, he or she doesnt care much for society, including their own parents and are concerend only about their own comforts.

One of my relatives, a lady who works for central govt complained about lack of time in the evenings. I was curious, because her home and office were not far way from each other. She must be reaching home early. What does she do when she goes home?

"I sit with my son & daughter to teach them and make them do their home work"

In my oipinion that was a primary school teacher's responsibility. Now, she becomes a teacher as soon as she reaches home in the evening.

"when do you talk to them & listen to your kids..?

"Oh, I dont have time..after teaching, I have to feed them..I have hired a cook ..at least I am saved from cooking...?

"Did your mother do the same ..I mean was she teaching you ...?

"Of course ..not. I was a good girl...."

"So your children are not as good as you were to your mom?..."

Immediatly she was protective of her children "No, they are good ..but those days were different..we didnt have much competition...!"

"So ..you are actually teaching your children to compete..?

"No" She was annoyed "I dont want my children to lag behind others.."

"So you have already decided that others are leading..?" I would not leave the argument..

"If I dont sit with them, they might miss their home works.." The reason was different now.

"Have they ever gone without doing their home works, not studying for tests etc..?

"Never..! I take care .." She said beaming with smile.

"So you have never given a chance for them to face such things and to give an explanation ..."

"Never..."

"Do you play with them..?

"I send my son to cricket coaching & daughter for tennis.. They will play there...?

She was even more proud. Actually this is the case in most of the middle class families.

If a child misses the home work, he faces the teacher's question next day. He sees that there might be a punishment, he is embarassed, he makes sures that he doesnt repeat it. He learns to be responsible for his own actions. Instead a mother at home takes ownership of a child's responsibility and calls it parenting.

See, actually we are not teaching survival skills to our children. We dont allow them to handle situations on their own. Thats is the only way they learn and grow. The younger generation now, doesnt want to loose their comfort zone because they are not used to it. They do no know how to manage themselves in such conditions. they worry only about themselves and not others.

In India, parenting is more on teaching the school subjects, rather than moral values. We dont take efforts so that our son or daughter is a good human being in future, that he has the guts to face difficulties and to take care of others when needed. We teach them how to keep away from problems instead of facing them.

 

@yellowmango : fantastic topic picked by you. ...enjoyed everyone's response, all I can say from my side is, I wish I was blessed with the awareness of all this knowledge here to have implemented earlier. @Viswamitra, Sir, yours was enlightening. And many other's post added practical wisdom and input, too.

My two cents : Two different people, two different opinions, sometimes give and take resolves the situation, sometimes one-sidedness. Parenting is not an easy job, with lots of tough situations we learn to handle them, there is no strict pattern, we learn and they learn. That's my experience. Congrats for winning as the best post. Thanks to all for your contribution!

 

@Sukkumalli : very unique response, thought provoking, good one!

 

We had three children in three and a half years and there is one year nine months difference between them. It was no so easy bringing them up as I was a working woman but my husband gave lot of support. Teaching them I used to take care. When they were kids he used to take good care of them. He had Wednesdays off and myself Saturday and Sunday off. On Wednesdays he used to plat my daughters hair , give them bath when they were kids that too oil bath on that day.He used to come by 4.30 pm and myself by 6.30 or 7 pm. H eused to bring them to the station to bring me home.

He was strict on food taking and used to tell them they should eat whatever is cooked. My elder daughter was a little fussy about food and he used to get angry on her. After growing up all the three of them used to follow his instructions. They know that he is very economic , so never spend money without his permission after growing up. He used to teach them good things and the value of life. My son has great respect for his father and once asked when he was working , you did not earn like me, but still how did you manage with the money you had of your salary and mother's salary educating us and getting my sisters married . He always tells his friends that his success is due to his mother . My daughters like my choice in buying their dress, till today they are happy with whatever I buy.

Children learn from their parents , so we have to be careful while talking. I always listen to whatever he says and never say anything when he gets angry. He thinks I am also a child.

After my retirement we got a house for my son, I paid half the amount for the house from my VRS and the other half he got loan. My husband says children should know to be independent , then only they will learn what is life.