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Aligning on Parenting Philosophy.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by yellowmango, May 3, 2015.

  1. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    As a part of the ongoing attempt to build Positivity in the Relationships forum,lets discuss a topic closest to our heart.....parenting and Aligning on Parenting Philosophy between couples.

    Two people from different homes,different back ground get together and produce the miracle of life. Often this little bundle of joy brings us closer to each other.It is but natural that two adults with independent thinking may also have different philosophies on parenting. It could be something as basic as breast feeding to something that often causes friction between couples....disciplining .

    How did you ,as a couple align your thinking on this important topic?
    What were your little victories you had as parents.
    What were the mistakes you made?
    What would you like to change with the second child?
    What worked for you and what did not work?
    How long did it take you to get it right?
     
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  2. butterflyice

    butterflyice Local Champion Staff Member Platinum IL'ite

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    Nice topic @Yellowmango, you have asked many questions to think over. Will think and come back to you.

    PS: My paed who is 74 years and also a professor at the medical college gives me tough questions to think about when I ask him questions. The above statement is my standard response :)
     
    2 people like this.
  3. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    My husband and I come from very similar backgrounds.While our lifestyles were not that different.....the parenting styles of both families were quite different.

    In his family...mother was the primary care takers and the dominant parent.
    In my family...mother was the care taker but father was dominant...

    We also had very basic differences on when to have a baby,how many and what should be the age difference.So I expected parenthood to be be a little difficult partnership.Surprisingly...it has been quite a smooth ride for us.Smooth ride as in agreement on parenting tactics ...not success.

    Both of us are not very keen on being the dominating partner ...both are fairly mild personalities(I mean off line personality....:coffee....he has hardly any on line presence).
    As a result...we often talked or found midways very easily.

    The one major disagreement we have had is about ....teaching our children. While my husband has so much to give...he is not the best teacher ,specially the theory part. He is not too bad when teaching using practical work. I always felt that he ended up making them feel anxious and a little less intelligent .

    After a few major disagreements.....we came to the agreement that I would do most of the basic teaching in the initial years and he would help them with the practical applications. I was the 'go to' parent for preparing for tests and assignments...and he was the 'go to 'parent for project works. Thankfully ...we decided to let them self study once they were in class 4.It has worked well for us.

    My husband now gives them books to read ...books that he feels will help them.Thankfully they have similar taste in books....so it works well for them.
     
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  4. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    My DH and I are like ying and yang when it comes to parenting. Or like that old multiple crescent moons (or is it lauki's? gourds) image of Doordarshan starting symbol. Perfectly complement each other. We also often compliment each other. We rarely have difference of opinion...

    You didn't believe all that, did you? :)

    It goes like this mostly - I give him the list of to-do's, I follow that up with reminders, then, I tell him what was wrong with his approach, and then we have a big fight. Good thing is no one, including the kids, take any of this seriously. :)

    Well, I am mostly the show runner, manager, and researcher. Dad's job is to remind us all ever so often that scores, grades, awards are important, but not overly so.

    I am the yapper. Always onto something. DH has more quality output.

    But, when it is an important project, decision, homework etc all know I am the go-to person.

    Honestly speaking, it used to be very chaotic and draining for all until I imbibed some of my DH's calmness and laidbackness.

    We now sincerely believe that given the genes, and home environment, would take real effort for the child or us to screw up.

    On the values front - money, hardwork, compassion, culture, kids dating, kids' future professions .... we are lucky that there is almost an 100% match in parenting philosophy.

    And above all, we each have each other's 100% backing on parenting decisions taken separately by either of us, for any reason.

    If I ask him whether I am a good mom - he will look me deep in the eye and give an immediate, emphatic, heartfelt Yes. If I ask him whether I am a good wife, there will be an infinitesimal pause, after which I excuse him and relieve myself of a response. :)
     
    12 people like this.
  5. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Core values/ visions/goals..u know the nice sounding stuff fit for snippets of life section...all in sync..
    Painfully realized over the years that this is only one part of the story..we are poles apart in execution. I do not take risks and like things planned to the very last detail..prefarbly with spreadsheet ..all risks alternates factored in :coffee. DH gets up shows up and expects everything and everyone else to just behave and show up. And if they dont ..well ..thats ok ..not a big deal..lets do something else. :biggrin2:


    So he is the kind who would be perfectly happy if a planned candle lit dinner ends up being a trip to the safeway for a tub of icecream...that woud drive me crazy. Even with adults this whole let nature and time takes its course doesnt work...with a bunch of kids what is he even thinking?So it doesnt happen and literally all he** breaks loose.
    Amidst the chaos we find some semblance of order eventually and life goes on.
    He gets the cool dad title Chillout!and I end up with mean mom most of the time until a permission slip is due and only momma JAG can miraculously make it appear all signed ready with a check and then I get a ton of hugs and kisses and the awesomest mom ever in the planet.Such is life..no regrets.
    I think if DH were my clone we both would have successfully driven the kids up the wall ...and if I were like DH my kids wouldnt find clean socks on most days or end up submitting their homeworkds just a few weeks after its due..between the two of us we manage and I often joke about it ..if my kids survive me and Dh every day life is going to be a piece of cake.


    Nice thread YM..
     
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  6. SimpleStraight

    SimpleStraight Silver IL'ite

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    Definitely I don't believe. Somewhere in another post your DH mentioned you as an encounter.. So I thought you are the dominant person. May be I am wrong...
     
  7. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Another area we differ considerably is in our reactions to upcoming journeys. While he is the cool cucumber who wants to have basics right and leave the rest to impulse ,I am the worrying mother hen.I get so high strung that I often irritate not just him but also the kids.After spoiling...or at least diluting the fun of many a trips...I am trying to loosen up.

    Now I only take responsibility for myself.Kids are old enough to take care of themselves and their planning....husband is too....:coffee
    Now I try to be more relaxed. It has made the trips more relaxed for everyone.
    I wish I had done this earlier.
     
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  8. butterflyice

    butterflyice Local Champion Staff Member Platinum IL'ite

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    So I thought hard about it and realised we do not have much differences regarding parenting because I handle about 80% of it :)

    We used to have the roti-rice war but the kids helped solve the problem, with one leaning toward rice and the other roti. So its rotis for lunch and rice for dinner for everyone.

    DH is pretty laid-back as far as the kids go while I am the driven, "you better get it right as I paid .....$ for it" screaming banshee. So we do all the practices, homework while DH is away at work which works for all of us to keep the peace :)

    One difference that I can foresee in the future is with regard to dating.....
     
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  9. Joyoflife

    Joyoflife Gold IL'ite

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    Me and DH are mostly on the same page not just for parenting but almost for everything. Things started to become a battle when he DH had started working from home. He would spoil dd all the time, but soon he realised and backed off. DH is busy and away most of the time, I am the one who is mostly in charge for everything, swimming classes, ballet class, which school will she go to and all. He is very health consious and expects me and dd to follow the same, which we do. I hate it when he gives choices to dd at wrong times. Like if she is fussing about dinner instead of telling her to eat what is cooked, he would say do you want pasta or something which is not available. Other than these tiny things we are good most of the time.
     
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  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    That looks like a very popular and rather successful model of parenting....

    Children liking the same food is so rare....I guess this keeps us honest and just increases the food choices of the family.Mine don't like the same fruits,cereals or even the desserts. The only common liking is for outside junk food.
     
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