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Alcoholism and smoking ruining life

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Devayani, Jan 4, 2010.

  1. Devayani

    Devayani New IL'ite

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    Dear friends,
    My DH’s smoking and drinking habits are annoying me a lot. Many a times I’ve asked him to stop which he agrees and forgets the next moment. That is what irritates me the most- agree/promise to do but then continue with the same terrible habits.
    We are married for 4 yrs, parents to a darling 2.5 yr old son, living away from ILs. He is so loving (demanding as well), caring, honest, ambitious and so good in every way a man can be. But at the same time he keeps pestering me on silly issues (eg: items misplaced, dress not ironed properly, room not cleaned well ……and what not), acts too childish often (eg: I’m not giving proper attention to his needs –consider that I’ve to look after a toddler’s needs). I feel he has that superiority (complex?) and can’t tolerate any sort of command / insist to do something.
    Now the actual issue- alcohol and smoking- he started when around 17 yrs old just ‘for the sake of company’ with friends. Before getting married, he used to tell me that he was trying to /almost got rid of these as I was not in favor of these habits. Its been around 3 yrs since he takes liquor (4-5 pegs) daily and smokes quite regularly (at least 10 cigs/day). At 33 yrs, he now is on medication for hypertension. I keep insisting him to get his lipid profiles checked (last year it showed high cholesterol & triglycerides for which no medication/diest control/exercise yet), which he never does. Its not that he declares that he won’t do…but just keeps postponing – ‘don’t worry, I’ll get it done next week, next month, next year, next decade….
    Alcoholism has in fact created some problems in
    · our married life
    – verbal abuse (quite often which after much explanations from my part has reduced a bit
    - physical assault once or twice…but once it gave marks on my face which left him feel guilty, go to pharmacy, buy OTC medicines , concealers to hide the marks etc…
    - scolding and commanding in front of ILs and threatening to sent me back home. Infact he sent sms to my bro’ saying ‘she doesn’t want to stay here, she’s coming bak home’. At last I convinced my dad that ‘he is drunk and that’s all..no other probs at my end’. Till today I don’t think my parents/siblings have any doubt on my DH abusing/beating me and that’s how I want it to be. My ILs are very loving and they too wish to see change in their son’s manners.
    Moreover when he is drunk/irritated, I just ignore him and his complaints which ( I know) annoys him more. I can’t help…coz I’m at wits end, lost patience.
    · DH’s career life
    He is infact a hardworker, truly dedicated, efficient in his duties and ambitious in every aspect. But as the alcohol dose increases one day, the next day he’ll have a hangover- headache, upset tummy, mood swings etc and that seems to affect his office works.
    He know alcoholism is the reason for all this, but still he wont oblige. I tried pleading, yelling with explanations, very seriously let him know that ‘if this continues, we are not going to live together for long; and its only for the sake of our son that I’m bearing all this’.
    Dunno how many of you will have the patience to read and analyze the situation and respond with their valuable suggestions. Thanks a lot for the endurance shown and if possible please be kind enough to suggest : how am I to change my dh’s attitude and thus bring back the affection and calmness in our life.
    Thanks …
     
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  2. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Your DH will change his habits only when he wants to. Smoking and drinking are addictions which need a lot of will power to break, they give a high .
    Since he has medical problems maybe the doctor can tell him to stop drinking and smoking.
    Regarding domestic voilence , its a no-no under any condition. He has to mend his ways . Why are you making excuses for your DHs behavior ? This will make him continue with verbal and physical abuse. Drunk or sober no DV.
    Why not try for a job or study further to improve your life ? When he sees the change in you he may change his habits.
     
  3. drmchsraj

    drmchsraj New IL'ite

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    looks like smoking and drinking are the least of his problems. cook his fav meal on a sunday, plead him to take mon off, wear the nicest of your clothes that he likes you best in, send away the kid, etc etc and when he is in a good mood, persuade him that all this he is living now is the sweet reality and if he continues to be a slave to bad habits, this can end any instant. tell him you are fine with him being that way, but only if he promises to cut down over time and shares the good things with you - treats you nice, gives you a high place in the relationship and won't let the IL's on you or pounce on you before them to show off his authority. and that in return you'll promise to be as nice as you can and won't nag and annyo him further, but that you should be given the right to vent and will always have his ear without abusing your right.

    come to some sort of a 'sweet deal', it might attract his fancy!
     
  4. Devayani

    Devayani New IL'ite

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    1.doc has already advised him to stop smoking completely... he says he sincerely wishes to...but not able to do so. Tried using nicotine patches but that didn't help much. Even for our kid who has allergies, doc advised no cig smoke/smell anywhr near him.:hide:
    2. Untill the moment I realised that he could hit me, I used to do everything as and how he wished.. but now I feel some sort of aloofness which might affect our relation and the future of our kid. I know I've gotta change.

    3. Trying for a job/study wud've been a perfect idea.. But somehow I've lost ineterest.. I've turned to doing some art/painting works to keep away from stress.
    Thanks flowerlady for being so kind..
     
  5. Devayani

    Devayani New IL'ite

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    So kind of you mam..that sounds like a kind of psychotherapy.:thumbsup
    Now I feel I've to change my attitude first to gradually change him:bonk
    Infact I used to be such an innocent, calm,simple gal who only knew to weep when yelled at. A very cheerful gal who was loved by all and who knew to keep others happy with her presence. My nature was to listen, trust and obey every word of my DH and the only fact in him that used to irritate me was- not keeping his word.
    But now it seems everything has changed.. I'm surviving just because I'm alive! When he complaints abt each and every silly matter:rant, I pretend to be deaf. If he starts abusing, I do the same in return once it reaches a level of abusing my parents (this habit i've started very recently).

    I've strictly told him my decision that 'we won't be going to our native together unless and until he gives up drinking.' But he is planning for leave next month and might book tkts..what shall I do? stick to my word and annoy him or keep quiet and follow him? If I am silent, I've no assurance that I won't be harassed in front of my ILs.:drowning What shall I do?
     
  6. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Devayani

    I will say that your husband is an addict. I dont know whether this word ADDICT offends you or not...but If you ask my definition of an ADDICT...your husband falls right into that definition. Not able to quit, inspite of wanting to quit, resenting the spouse because spouse suggests to quit, wanting to get away or run away from spouse just to let go off this whole topic of quitting the things that question his own existence.

    There is lot of diff. b/w occasional/social and also addiction/habituated. I do know some men who drink quite often, but they wont create scenes or not abusive towards whoever is around. They just have couple of drinks before dinner, have dinner and sleep..thats like the routine to get away from stress. (I dont say this is a good habit, but again atleast they know their limit)

    So you know that your husband is an addict. Next step is...No ADDICT would accept that he is an ADDICT. NEVER. because the moment they accept it they have to change. If you push them to accept they get physical with you/abusive verbally. Sometimes they do accept to just get away/ flea the scene.

    Unless your husband realises mentally and whole heartedly all by himself without no force or no external influences, nothing can be changed in this whole scenario. NOTHING. sorry to say that.

    He is not a kid for you to keep explaining how this alcohol is affecting his health/job. God forbid what if one day his team/manager gives him a nice warning..may be at that time he would come to his senses!!! so dont treat him like a kid and dont plead or explain. Enough of your pursuation, because he is becoming more thick skinned towards your pursuation and also he kind of made himself totally resistant to any of your suggestions on this topic. so just for few days give a break and observe thats all. Who knows...might be he would wonder why you are not bothered anymore????even if he doesnt pay attention, atleast that would save lot of your energy and do something constructive for your kid.

    One good thing out of all this is....I have seen a 40 yr old who is habituated to smoking and he just quit because he wanted to wholeheartedly.no one forced him. so you know what WILL POWER can do. you cannot induce will power....it has to come from within.

    All you can try doing is try to keep yourself and the kid away from your husband when he is drunk. justhave dinner quickly and retire to bed. dont prolong any discussions good or bad. even if you want to be around just nod your head for what so ever called rantings he would have.

    Last but not least....I read in your latest update about how the arguments and abuse goes to extremes of you too getting into the fight...Thats how things happen next thing you know he is hitting you on your face...sometimes when you dont leave the scene or when you dont cut off the argument and exit, he sure will get onto your nerves, because when he is drunk he thinks he is the KING and rest all are his enemies and he starts picking up a fight with who so ever he sees infront of him...does that sound familiar????
     
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2010
  7. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    What is this constant need for you to talk or express to such a man/family who dont pay attention or ignore others feelings? Why cant you develop those skills of just being silent and show the power of silence. You are not respected either by your husband/inlaws. might be thats how things have been since your wedding and you didnt feel the need for change until it came about your kid..so if you want to see sudden change in him / a miracle how would that happen? Can you change yourself??? so quickly???

    So you got to start with small baby steps. Tell your point frankly, firmly. no pleading, no argument. Even if he drags it to that point, just say you have told what you feel is right, if he doesnt feel that is right, he can put his point forward ..NEVER do any explanation thing when he is drunk/drinking. IT WOULD NOT WORK.

    Infront of your inlaws, dont act all scared. Atleast try to look confident.If they open their mouth to say something nasty, you say you have to take care of your kid and exit the scene.
     
  8. Devayani

    Devayani New IL'ite

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    Thanks Srividya,
    Let me make a point clear: My ILs are such loving and caring people. They don’t support their son for his behavior and in fact my MIL advices me to stay calm when he is abusive and try to convince him when he is in a good mood, keep myself and the kid away from him when he is found to be in a bad mood and thus avoid any violence. I can approach my MIL, more than my mom, for any matter at any time and she’s always there to lend any support.
    I realize that my DH is an addict, but how to convince him about de-addiction? I’ve no idea about the de-addiction procedure and how it feels for the person who undergoes the treatment. DH admits that he is addicted to smoking but alcohol is not an addiction for him (as he says; which I don’t trust).
    Nowadays I keep calm/no comments about his habits but still no use. Now he says that he wishes to stop all this but its my aloofness that restricts him from doing so…! (I find that quite funny…Sorry) I say: ‘you started all that by yourself, you may stop it by yourself… why should I bother’ and just keep quiet. But I realize that is not the right attitude. He needs my support…. But even if I’m ready to provide that and he keeps away from his addictions for a while, he’ll resume for some other reason (eg: stress at work). That leaves me more frustrated.:hide:
    Thanks once again for your kind support and advice.
     
  9. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    So if the inlaws i.e being a woman your MIL suggests you to hide from your husband ie their son, its a good suggestion??? what happened to her being a mother cant she tell her son? if she already told him and he didnt listen, you being a wife, would your words make any difference??

    Sorry to say but I dont understand this concept of being good . By silently listening to all the nasty words their son is talking about their DIL what kind of parents would keep quiet??? if they keep quiet and he talks all crap, why are you scared of going to their house? Cant his parents tell him to shutup and be in limits when he acts nasty in presence of them??? what manners did they teach their son?

    So being nice inlaws all they can do is teach their DIL to run away / hide from their monsterous son:hide: or stop talking or explaining? what is this good mood/bad mood thing? so he works and if he has a bad day at work he can discuss iwth his wife casually, not getting drunk and abusing wife over his bad day:bonk

    Though I hate to say this, your inlaws are passive supportive to him. They cant say / they wont say anything to him because they know your husband is out of control. Now knowing that part, if they / you expect your husband to change overnight, it wont happen.

    He seriously needs some medical help/ therapist. No addict agrees to go to them, even if they are dragged to get such help, they would just be there physically, and once such sessions are over all the lessons learnt in the session goes out of the window and they are back to square one.

    It sounds really depressive I know..but as your MIL said all you can do is run and hide:hide:thats all..because things have gone way too out of hands and asking him to change his ways overnight would do no good. There should be some serious intervention from everyone in the family.
     
  10. Devayani

    Devayani New IL'ite

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    Hi Srividya,
    Thanks once again for dropping in and seriously considering the issue but I do feel you are far too away from the actual circumstances.
    First of all, by nature I’m sure my DH and his family are very good people in every sense and to be a DIL in this family, I feel proud. My DH loves me a lot (you might be confused with this statement!) but he is short tempered plus his addiction transforms him to a monster (as you say).
    His mom keeps pleading him to keep away from alcohol and never to hurt my feelings or harm me in any way. I know myself that she is much tensed about her son and if we fail to give her a call for 2-3 days she suspects something wrong between us and calls back to know if everything is fine. I myself never wish to hurt my MILs feelings and so tend to hide any silly arguments between us but I frankly tell her about his addictions and how he keeps postponing the ‘good by’ process.


    Infact its not that I'm scared to go to my ILs place, but I indeed love and care for them and I could not meet my MIL after her recent hospitalisation- so infact I'm eager to be with them. But its only for my DH's nature after drunk, that I'm quite hesitant to go. When staying away from home, its only we 2 who knows whats happening between us, which won't be the same when back home with family.

    I think I'll call up my MIL and ask her (conspire!) to tell her son not to come home if he plans to continue the same. "once you've said goodbye to your addictions, you may come home and be with us..otherwise NO". This if she says might work more than my words..i believe so.
    Hope all turns out well...pls do pray for us...
     

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