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Again the same old thing

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by GoodSense, Feb 4, 2010.

  1. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi GS,

    From your posts it appears that your husband has some huge ego issue with your dad and the fact that he is supporting your education rubbed him big time on the wrong side. I guess you are from a pretty wealthy family because your dad is able to support your living expenses and MBA education. Does your husband feel inferior because of that? If that is the case then going to your dad for financial support would have angered him more. For some time my husband had that sort of a feeling towards my parents because my family was much more wealthy than his and we were having a host off issues. So my husband would threw a tantrum when my mom gave me some dollars to buy a gift for my son. You cannot rationalize such irrational feelings. Best way to deal with it is to avoid taking financial support from your family. Your husband might have been felt he was being pushed to a corner and now he is throwing all the tantrums.

    Your husband has gone to the extent of filing the papers on legal zoom. Don't take this lightly. Divorce is seriously on his mind and he is not using it as an empty threat. Don't bring any children into this marriage until you are 100% sure of a stable marriage because things have gone this far. You have two options:

    1) Continue with your MBA and give up on your husband. This would mean you have to convert to F1 and come back to US to finish up your MBA. Do you have enough financial resources to support MBA and living expenses. I know low cost loans are available. Chances of getting assistantship on MBA are usually low. On the other hand prospects for a scholarship for MS are pretty good.
    2) Give up your MBA and give this rocky marriage sometime. But I feel things have just gone too far. Abandoning you in a hotel with no money, filing uncontested divorce etc means you are reaching dead end. Is there any love left in this marriage to give it a second life? Only you can answer this question.

    Regards,
    Kavya.
     
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2010
  2. GoodSense

    GoodSense New IL'ite

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    @Rosegirl,

    Hmm...good to know you're exploring study options. All the best there. I would say you are lucky your husband supports you through it all. I too had my husband's support initially, then it all got messed up, probably due to my insistence and my father stepping in, and finally due to my husband's ego. I guess I have to learn to time my requests and speak in a way that boosts the other person's ego...

    I will drop out if he really wants it...I just hope that is the only thing he wants! He had plans to go to the notary this weekend, so I will see if that materializes..then I will make a decision about dropping out.

    Thanks a bunch. Good luck to you too.
     
  3. GoodSense

    GoodSense New IL'ite

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    @Kavya007,

    Thanks for stepping in here. Well, both of us are from middle-class families, neither particularly wealthy nor hard-up. In fact, the money that is going towards my tuition is through an educational loan, taken against my father's property. Needless to say, I have to repay this, which is why I am not too keen on studying on an H4. You are right, getting an assistantship during MBA is a lot harder, but most of my classmates on F1 have managed to bag one of those.

    In hindsight, I don't think it is the MBA as such that bothers him. To tell you the truth, he is somewhat stingy - so the idea of paying for 2 courses a semester doesn't appeal to him at all. That's why he was keen on getting the H1B, so that I could work & pay off the tuition..

    My father stepping in at that time must have irked him, not the actual financial support, because my husband can easily pay for two courses a semester. The fact is that he doesn't want to, and I understand that he is under no obligation to do so. But my husband claimed that it is way beyond his capacity, due to which my father offered to help. That didn't sit right with him - he wanted the elders to reason with me, not with him!

    Now, my husband had planned to meet a notary over the weekend. I am hoping he drops the idea, of course..I will take a wait and see approach and hope to have some updates on Monday.

    Thanks again for your advice, and I hope things don't go wrong..
     
  4. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    If your dad has taken an educational loan, I don't understand your husband's egoism in this issue. For a moment I thought there was some economic disparity between your families that was fueling the insecurity. Maybe he does not want to you to be more over qualified then him. Who knows !! Power struggles are born out of a sense of insecurity and you can never rationalize such behavior. If the home situation is so bad how will you concentrate on your MBA. I know the education in US can be very demanding. Most of my friends spend over 100k on their MBA and earn back that money in a year or two.

    I checked out legalzoom.com and it takes $300 to file the divorce papers. I somehow feel that your husband is dead serious about the divorce. If that is the case begging him to give a second try to the marriage would only be another power battle. This is not how marriages should work. MBA seems like a very flimsy issue to divorce. Tomorrow there would be bigger issues. I think if he presses for divorce it is best for you to chalk out your exit strategy.

    Kavya.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 8, 2010
  5. GoodSense

    GoodSense New IL'ite

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    @Kavya007,

    Maybe you're right, some insecurity is fueling a power-play, and it may not be easy to understand or even validate such feelings. Actually, when my father offered to pay, my husband was dead against taking a loan - you know why? Because he was afraid that if I don't pay up (due to any reason, motherhood or health or something else), as my spouse, he will be required to pay! Look at that - it's her education, so let her 60+ father pay through his nose and lose his property if she can't work, but I won't help!!

    In fact, I had to assure him that his name is nowhere on that loan, in order to put his fears at rest.....I did feel that he doesn't consider me part of his family, worthy enough to spend money on!

    Yes, he has spent $300 on Legalzoom. It is no surprise to me, actually. He doesn't think twice before doing anything - he just wants to win...similar to the time he booked a hotel room for me near the airport...

    The more I think about it, the exit strategy seems to become more important. As you rightly said, I am struggling to concentrate on that one course I have taken, because there is so much tension at home. Can you believe it, he came to the same university to study, nearly 10 years ago...and now he hates the thought of me going through the same classrooms and halls.

    Summed up, if he goes through with the divorce, I will probably get a notice in 2-3 weeks, and I have to respond within 2 weeks to that. Next the hearing takes place, and if an agreement is reached, it takes 2 months for the divorce to be finalized. By that time it will be April end, and my semester will be almost over. Maybe I will just be able to take the exam, and then I'll have to leave for India. After that, well, I won't have anything more to talk about in 'Marriage, Spouse and In-Laws' forum...
     
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2010
  6. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi GS,

    I am surprised that your husband came here to pursue his Masters and is now against your ambitions. MBA is an extremely costly affair and I can understand his reluctance to take on such a huge financial commitment. Before deciding on a MBA did your husband try to convince you to pursue other educational opportunities like certifications, MS etc just for the cost involved. Before committing to a loan did you try to convince your husband of the ROI of a MBA or did you just go ahead and make alternative financial arrangements when he flatly refused. If it was the latter then it would have irked your husband because he may have felt that you or your family do not have any regard for his word. In his mind he would have perceived you as a self centered person just as how you are perceiving him to be very self centered. Did your husband have other financial plans like purchasing a house etc ?

    Is the school that you are attending a well reputed one which would ensure that you do get a placement at the end of your MBA. At the time of your admission did your husband raise any issue about the ranking of your school. If you are spending a lot of $$$ on a MBA from a school that is not ranked highly then your ROI would not be very good.

    You are not the first couple who has divorced over a MBA. I know another couple where the husband started his part time MBA and at the end of 3 years he got his degree and a divorce too. My ex-colleagues wife was dead against her husband pursuing a PhD from Stanford. They would have had to downgrade to a slightly lower standard of living for a few years and that was totally unacceptable to her. Eventually they got divorced. The solution in such cases is to make a strong case of the projected returns of the investment in the education before making an independent decision. Think of it like convincing a customer to buy a product or getting your manager to foot the bill for your MBA. You need to talk in terms of the ROI. When this discussion does not take place and instead the spouse goes about making independent decisions without taking into consideration the views of his/her spouse the communication line starts closing down. Thereafter the marriage just spirals downwards.

    Anyway there is no point on doing a postmortem analysis. I think you need to be prepare yourself for all outcomes. I disagree with your husband's harsh treatment. Abandoning you penniless in a hotel seems very harsh. If I were you it would have been very hard for me to continue loving such a person. But that is very subjective and it depends on the strength of your bond. At the end of it I think the emotional connection in the marriage is most important. So where do you think you stand in that regard? Do you feel you still strongly love him. Do you think you can face bigger obstacles in life with him? You need to do some soul searching to find out the answers.

    Regards,
    Kavya.
     
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2010
  7. swt.charu

    swt.charu Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Goodsense....

    I remember replying to your thread and I had told you to go ahead and take chance....

    Now your husband has given you the ultimatum....you are precisely standing at a V junction with no return point...Choose wisely....I still feel your husband is just threatening you...

    Many ILs have called him immature....true... but he is also very "Calculative and manupulative" ....so this is the time to handle him....You must have heard the saying "Hit the iron when its Hot"....now is the time for you to do it....

    Look....if I were you then I would choose MBA...and that too without any pleading with the hubby....you dont have to do that...

    Goodsense.. this is purely a gamble... when you put your foot down and say you are ok with a Divorce there are two possibilities

    1) Your husband who may be trying to threaten you may see that you are serious about this and come down and reconcile with you...

    2) You guys might actually end up in a Divorce...

    Please be very very clear if you are ok with the second option.... if the answer is yes .... please go ahead and choose ...right now


    I know it is easier said than done....but life has not given you too many choices. Has it ? so please choose wisely....

    and for heaven's sake... keep your parents out of all this mess...

    When you told your husband about you starting your school I am sure you would have mentioned "don't worry about finanaces... I have arranged it all" and that is what has ticked him off...(may be I am wrong, but this is what I think would have happend). Please be cautious about anything to
    do with your maiden house....especially when this involves you husband...

    Charu
     
  8. GoodSense

    GoodSense New IL'ite

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    @Kavya007,

    That's the problem, before I came here, I had broached the idea of pursuing an MBA with him. He was all for it, in fact, he told me that I could study on an H4 for the first two years or so, and take it slowly, and in the final year I could convert to F1 in order to avail of OPT/CPT. He had even asked me whether I wanted to work here or study, and in his own words "I am okay with whatever you decide, but I would prefer you study because education here is worth the time and money". I too wasn't keen on continuing in IT(I worked for nearly 4 years in India) so I told him I'd prefer to study and change my field. That's why we didn't look for H1 sponsorship when I came here. (In hindsight, that was a big mistake - I wouldn't have had this gap, and would have probably been able to pay for the MBA on my own)

    The only thing we didn't discuss is how much it would cost. Now, I wasn't aware of living expenses here vis-a-vis salary, so I left it to him to figure that out..that was another mistake I made. I should have clearly asked him if he knew how much it would cost, and how we proposed to go about paying for it.

    Coming to the MBA in question, it is a part-time evening MBA, mainly for working professionals - I signed up so that I could balance it with a full-time job. Ranking wise, the Evening MBA is in the top 30 nationwide. I wouldn't say it is a top-tier university, but it is getting there..it is the best I can do given my location and wallet. The only top-10-ranked university in this city is a small private one, which is beyond my budget.

    He was the one who suggested this university and program to me, because he was once a TA in this very school.

    That said, it is probably the handling of this issue between the families that has rubbed him the wrong way. Moreover, I am also strong-willed and not at all submissive, which probably irks him further. Now things are calm, after a big showdown over the weekend - him pressing me to sign, me refusing. Luckily, I managed to keep my composure - just calmly refused, saying I changed my mind. For around 3 hours, he ranted and raved, but I just shut myself up emotionally. He took away the credit cards, the laptop and my phone - and threatened to leave the house. I said I would come with him, wherever he's going. After saying this repeatedly, he got the message and calmed down.

    Now that he's calm, I don't want to repeat the mistakes I have made. No pretending that the university doesn't exist. I need to be able to have normal conversations with him, and perhaps go in for marriage counseling.

    Thanks again for your advice!
     
  9. GoodSense

    GoodSense New IL'ite

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    @swt.charu,

    Thank you for coming in here again. You are right, I have to lay out my options before me and choose wisely. And I don't involve my parents/inlaws anymore. It is months since either of us spoke to our respective inlaws. As I see it, I have the following options :

    1. I can quit the marriage, and live on my own - either continue my study here, or go back to India and rebuild my life.

    2. Stop trying to negotiate with husband, just do as he says and live life according to his terms, hoping that with time, we will be on the same page. (Note : no expectations here - just do your best, and leave the rest to God)

    3. Try talking to him, exploring the options, trying to have both - study/career, plus husband and marriage.

    I guess I have been hammering at option 3 all this while. Option 1 is drastic, but the positive aspect of that is I will know where I stand, and what awaits me.

    Option 2 is not so attractive to me right now - I don't think I'll be happy to be at home all the time. But if option 3 fails, and I have to save my marriage, I will have to consider it.

    Now he's calm, but this has happened before too. I need to examine my own behavior and speech and see if I can get him into a conversation where neither of us feels threatened. Because, when I feel threatened, the flight-or-fight response immediately takes over..and in my personality, the 'fight' takes precedence, and same is the case with him.

    I read somewhere that men cannot stand the high-pitched voice of a woman venting her emotions. I guess that enrages them further. So crying, pleading etc. backfire. Somehow, I need to be able to stonewall myself, and talk as calmly as possible in a measured tone.

    Thanks again for the advice, I hope to bring things around!
     
  10. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi GS,

    Good to know that things have calmed down at home. Still I feel uneasy with the steps your husband is taking over this MBA thingy. Filling papers from legal zoom is no joke.

    How much does the MBA cost in your univ cost. Worst case if he does decide to divorce you, you have no option but to respond. You can't keep begging him. What is your plan in that case? Would you try to get a F1 to continue your education? Can you convert from part-time to full-time MBA. Some universities do not allow that conversion. Why don't you just convert to F1, try to get an assistantship and get done with the MBA.

    At the time your husband told you not to go for a MBA was he going through some job crisis or financial stress. Did he suggest any alternatives for you to pursue? Did you just go running to your dad for help when he said he cannot afford the MBA making your husband feel like he is incapable? I am trying to understand what pissed him off so much.

    Regards,
    Kavya.
     
    Last edited: Feb 10, 2010

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