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Again the same old thing

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by GoodSense, Feb 4, 2010.

  1. arthidiva

    arthidiva Silver IL'ite

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    Yes GS, you tell him you can give up MBA 'for now' but ask him eventually (not immidiately) if he he would like you to do soemthing? if baby is on his mind, see if you are ready.. only if yes, go ahead and plan for it. if No, just smile and knod but dont work towards it.. dont rebel the idea explicitly..take your time..

    I would suggest no baby until you both start loving and living for eachother.. atleast understand and adjust for eachother (especially your DH has to learn this, he will sooner or later) he cannot ask you to have babies without having a proper foundation in your relationship..

    Give your relationship some more time (1 year or so) to see where it is going (without a word on this MBA thing).. start to work on making him agree / accept your other tiny interests, see what he likes you to work on, try to make friends in your area and get together and see how encouraging he is.. after 1 year, if you think he definetely is not letting you live like you want, then go for the MBA then and let it give way for divorce if he wants..
     
  2. RadiantCat

    RadiantCat Gold IL'ite

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    GS, I presume it is not the MBA thats the problem here. It is a matter of your egos. You are unable to accept that he's refusing something that you want and he's unable to let you do because of his ego.

    This is a tight situation. What is the surity that you guys will not enter another deadlock in future. You seem to have a strong character and so does he.

    Today, it is for MBA tomorrow it could be for something else. He seems to rake the past when there's a trivial issue. You can dig muck whenever there's an issue that going to cause serious and deeper rifts.

    It is a serious personality clash. If you give up your MBA today, he will perhaps be happy and tomorrow for yet another reason you will be at loggerheads because you had already accomdated one of his wishes and you would expect him to accomdate yours. If he does, you are well and good, if he doesn't you will be back to square one.

    Your personality doesn't fall in the category of surrendering oneself in the marriage. There are women who do that and in this forum too.

    Your dad's not going to budge, your husband's not going to budge. I tell you something never ever interfere in their problems you will get axed finally.

    You need to brush your inlaws comments under the carpet. Men are like that. The rules aren't the same and if you expect a very transperant and a plain relationship it may not happen with this person.

    Earlier he dropped you at the airport with one way ticket now he has filed for a divorce and tomorrow it may be something else. You need to put yourself under tremendous mental pressure whenever something upsets him. Do you think it is worth it? You are in the situation and not us. You know the situation better than anyone else. Set aside your ego and vehemence for the time being and then you come to a conclusion.
     
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2010
  3. moncy

    moncy New IL'ite

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    Dear GS,

    I understand that now your issue is not the MBA . What I would suggest is, call up your college and ask them if you can stop this course now and take it maybe next year or something . (Or find out if your college provides the option of studying online )

    I gather from your post, that your husband's nature is very unpredictable. But some how try to talk to him and tell your husband that you have decided not to go to school. Also I think he needs assurance verbally ... so keep telling him that he is very important to you and your marriage is really your first priority. And once he tears off the divorce papers, just dont mention anything about MBA for a while.

    I know dear it must be so difficult for you to walk on eggshells and not be yourself and it must be so frustrating not being able to have a mature conversation with ur husband. But I think you have to some how make him understand that he is very important to you and stop your MBA for the time being(or do it online). Dont bring up any topic of his parents or yours. Just do things for both of you and try to relive those happy memories that you say you had .

    I understand that you must be worried whether tomorrow he will come up with unreasonable demands and ask you to stop other things for his sake. But we'll worry about that when it happens. Right now maybe you shouldnt think of the future situations and just focus on mending things now. (ALL THIS IS IF YOU REALLY WANT TO STAY ON IN THIS MARRIAGE)

    -Moncy
     
  4. GoodSense

    GoodSense New IL'ite

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    @SriVidya75,
    Yes, I see what you mean – I am trying to manipulate things to have what I want – marriage plus my MBA. My mind simply refuses to believe that the alternative is neither!
    You are right, my husband would have probably erupted no matter when I told him. Bottom line – do I want to keep the marriage? If so, why? If I can’t accept his terms, then I should walk out. True.
    You know, when he told me to quit MBA, I initially said No, then later I said alright, but can I pursue it some other time? He resolutely refused, in his anger he doesn’t want to give me even one thing I ask for. I agree that he is being immature…but should I give in to whatever he demands? Divorce even?
    Just like he changed his mind when it came to allowing me to study, maybe I changed my mind about giving him a divorce? I am on an H4, though I have an approved H1. If the divorce comes through, I have to leave the country. Then I will have to make a call about my MBA, whether I want to come back and live as a student or pick up my life in India itself.
    I don’t really see any options for me – except to refuse to sign. I don’t want to call it quits before trying marriage counseling. I should have mooted the idea before itself. You know Srividya, I don’t think he really cares about the MBA at all – what bothers him is who is supporting me from behind. He wants to teach my father a lesson, that’s all. Even once before, if you remember, I had dropped a semester because he wanted a ‘victory’. I cannot keep giving him ‘victories’ every time he asks for it. It is upto him to realize what he is doing, and if that realization doesn’t come, both he and I are going to lose out.
    [FONT=&quot]Thank you for calling me out on the two-boats-at-a-time stance…I really need to come out of that!

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    Last edited: Feb 6, 2010
  5. GoodSense

    GoodSense New IL'ite

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{mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0in; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} </style> <![endif]--> @Anuradha00,
    Thanks! When I was debating on an ID, I remembered a saying “Let Good Sense prevail” and that stuck!
    You are right, it is an ego tussle between my husband and father. My husband is trying to cut off his nose to spite his face. He doesn’t see it in his wild rage.

    Maybe I will have to quit my MBA..if at all my husband decides not to go through with the divorce, comes in for marriage counseling, and then decides that me studying is totally unacceptable to him due to various cultural reasons, then I will take a call. But if it is just to teach me and my family a lesson, then I am afraid that lesson went unlearned! I can’t live with a vindictive person, if he is short-tempered, lazy etc, I don’t mind as long as he has a good heart.

    Can he do this to anybody else? I am the only person he can directly control, so he throws his weight around. Let him try this carrot-and-stick routine with his friends or co-workers, let’s see whether they co-operate?
    As of now, I can only refuse to sign. There is nothing else I can do until he calms down and begins to talk. Thanks again, your advice really helps shed light on the situation.
     
  6. GoodSense

    GoodSense New IL'ite

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    @ShilpaMa,
    Thanks for the advice..yes, you are right, when your husband has problems with you, more often than not, inlaws tend to add fuel to the fire..whether they do it to egg my husband into divorce, or to cow me into submission, is debatable.
    [FONT=&quot]Right now I am unable to get any answer out of him..he says he wants a family, when I say alright, we’ll start our family and I will do my MBA on the side, he says he doesn’t want to have a family with me. Reasoning with him when he is unstable is totally futile. I need to be able to talk to him when he is calm. I hope that happens soon, or else, I can’t save this marriage single-handedly.

    Thanks again.
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    Last edited: Feb 6, 2010
  7. GoodSense

    GoodSense New IL'ite

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    @arthidiva,

    [FONT=&quot]Thank you for your inputs. You are right, I should work on my marriage..but what exactly should I do? I had holidays all of December and till last week of Jan. We had no fights whatsoever. He was happy, I was happy. I didn’t bring up the topic of MBA or anything, I didn’t want him to get upset. I was all smiles. In fact, I have never ever complained about anything in 2009, or given him any reason to be unhappy.
    I postponed my MBA by one semester when he asked for it. I again dropped another semester because he wanted a ‘victory’. Now he wants more.

    Ok, I will give it up if he so wants me to. But that thought will always remain in my mind – he made me give up studies to punish my father. How will I come to terms with it? That said, now I have to see what he is up to. If he really files for a divorce, there is no way I can save the marriage. On the other hand, if he doesn’t file, then I have to wait for him to calm down, and then get him to talk and see if marriage counseling will work. Thanks again for your help.

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    Last edited: Feb 6, 2010
  8. GoodSense

    GoodSense New IL'ite

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    @CanWait,

    You hit the nail on the head – I can’t give in, and neither will he. So it is a test of whose resolve is stronger. True, if I give in now, tomorrow I will expect something from him in return, and if that doesn’t happen, again this deadlock will result.

    He brings up the past whenever it suits him – but the things he has done he doesn’t remember. Also, I know that if he divorces me, he will try to justify what he did – somehow make it seem like he had no option but to do that.

    In fact, when he sent me to India, he immediately started the damage control – he called up his parents & complained that I was way too argumentative, sharp-tongued what not. His parents, in turn put the blame squarely on me. I was shocked – I never started any fight, the fight escalates when I can’t stand the abuses he hurls and I retaliate. But they’re his parents, obviously they would like to fob the blame off on me.

    Furthermore, he called the third party I told you about – whom I was hoping to reach out to in case he didn’t accept me back. He didn’t mention that he sent me to India on a one-way ticket. He just said I fought with him and went to India. Wow..such a smooth talker when it suits him..

    Yes, I need to take a call…but that is possible only if he doesn’t file for divorce. If he does, then I have no options left to save the marriage. Thanks again, CanWait, your experience helps a lot in this regard..
     
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2010
  9. GoodSense

    GoodSense New IL'ite

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    @Moncy,

    Thanks again. Yes, maybe I should try that..to see if he comes around..But you know what, men don’t look at these things emotionally. They do not see it as – she wanted the marriage so she dropped the MBA. To them it looks like “So I can get her to listen to me if I threaten divorce”
    I didn’t realize it, but on reading so many cases here I have come to the conclusion that many men act like kids when they are angry. Spiteful, unable to see beyond the present moment, do anything to win.

    The more you give in to a kid, the more the kid will expect. Yes, I can give up anything to save a good marriage. But is this marriage a good one? I guess a lot of issues here have to be cleared out first, instead of brushing them under the carpet. First, I need to get him to calm down. That is totally his call.

    Next, if he does calm down, I have to apologize on behalf of my dad. That I can do, but I cannot tell my dad to apologize to my husband. Next, I should suggest marriage counseling, and if that works out, and if MBA is really a problem for him, God knows why, then I will give it up and maybe look at other alternatives to further my career some years down the line. Thanks for coming up with so many suggestions!
     
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2010
  10. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    See this is what I was trying to say....no doubt your husband is vindictive and beleives in gaining victory over his own wife...at the expense of snubbing her down...so my worry is if someone can hold on to such vindictive nature for such a long time...even if the whole family bends down also he wont be happy ....his greed for victory would increase day by day...and finally what is he gaining out of it...?? he too doesnt know...

    Also I am worried about you having kids with such a person, who beleives in only satisying his EGO and hunger for victory...

    Man / woman there is a cut off point where they have to take a step back and analyze their anger...he might think he is teaching a lesson to your father...but what does he gain out of all this:) except for spoiling both of your lives...yes even he would also be called a divorcee and by the time he gets remarried again its going to take lot of time, and planning kids and waiting till that time is no easy task...having said that...I still cant hope that your husband would agree for any marriage counselling...

    Whther you say yes / no, if he files the papers in court you are obligated to respond to that petition. Even if you want to fight it, in US unless there are children involved/adultery what else you can fight about iwth him? might be for alimony!! thats the only thing you can fight/ask for...

    But again pls do understand and be prepared for whatever the situation is...Dont do things just for the sake of teaching him a lesson , dont follow his foot steps on this factor....Do what you can do whether its marriage/MBA whatever is going to be the final decision stick to it whole heartedly and work on it and only it with no other distractions...dont put feet on two boats....its not gonna work with your husband.

    This is another common thing that happens whenever there is divorce on a mans mind...can you expect your husband to own up his childish and vindictive behaviour???
     
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2010

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