Again the same old thing

rosegirl · Feb 5, 2010

Hi
I think both have made mistakes and pushed each others buttons and escalated the situation to what it is now. Dropping the MBA and giving it one last try is worth the shot. Nobody is forcing her to live a torturous life but advising her to take the first step to compromise ie dropping MBA.

MBA is a very small part of life which she can live without.But even after that, if the guy behaves likes a spoilt brat, then nobody is going to suggest OP to try again for sure.

JMO

SriVidya75 · Feb 5, 2010

Woww...nice to see everyone brainstorming and figuring out the solution....

So what about how our OP has come back from India all by herself...even after her husband has left her at the airport with the one way ticket??? whats everyones take on this??? isnt this called as trying to work/save the marriage??

I think she made a mistake by coming back..that gave him that EGO boost and again he is playing the same prank...might be she should have tried discussing n fixing the issue at that time only even before joining him back again..

GoodSense · Feb 5, 2010

Dear All,

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond once again. I sincerely apologize for the delay in posting. The update is nothing much – the situation hasn’t changed. It is now 3 weeks since college started, he has dropped me all three times to college without any showdowns. It is only when I try to make peace with him that he hisses and curses and reduces me to tears. Otherwise he doesn’t talk to me at all.

@CanWait,

Gratifying to know that I am in your thoughts. Yes, I have to take a call now – but it is not about MBA vs marriage anymore. You see, I made a mistake when things were rosy. Just after the last fight, which brought me here, he had told me – Do your MBA, why should I have any problem with it – very pleasantly without any sarcasm. Like I said, everything was fine between then and now. I didn’t bring up the topic of MBA at all, because I didn’t want to trigger old memories or cause any rifts. And that was where I went wrong – I should have discussed it when he was calm. Now I can’t discuss anything with him, he is unapproachable. I am just trying to stave off divorce now, if there is any way I can do that!

@Priya16,

<link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CGirish%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml"><link rel="themeData" href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CGirish%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_themedata.thmx"><link rel="colorSchemeMapping" href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CGirish%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_colorschememapping.xml"><style>  </style>Thanks once again. You are right, this is not about the MBA per se, it is probably about my father and my husband’s ego. My father hasn’t spoken to my husband since May 2009. There is no communication between them at all. Yet he brings up my father in almost every fight. I have told him, if he has issues with my father he has to sort them out with him, not by harassing me. But to no avail. Frankly, my father is also short-tempered and my husband simply can’t stand anyone challenging him. But I will not ask my father to apologize to my husband – that is something beyond me. To give an example : Once my MIL had chastised me on the phone – that I’m not family-oriented, that they made a mistake by choosing me. I felt bad about that, because I really thought I was doing my best to make both happen – domestic life with home-cooked meals, and my studies on the side. I told my husband this, and he started off on how his mother has different views in life, and I shouldn’t take offense to what she says. Doesn’t the same apply to him also, with my father?
Legalzoom just fills up the documents for you, all the court work has to be done by the petitioner. Basically, he is filing a no-fault uncontested divorce, and I want to stop that from coming through.

GoodSense · Feb 5, 2010

@Tridev,

Thank you, I appreciate having a male perspective on this. True, divorce does not happen in an instant, months of underlying discord culminate in it. But my husband is one who acts on impulse. He doesn’t care what happens in the future due to his actions. Winning the argument is all that matters to him. That is why I didn’t care to stop him from filing on Legalzoom – when he’s angry, he doesn’t want to hear anything, not even the word ‘sorry’. I don’t want a divorce, but since the laws here allow uncontested divorce, I may not have a choice. I just hope realization dawns on him.

@Srividya75,

<link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CGirish%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml"><link rel="themeData" href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CGirish%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_themedata.thmx"><link rel="colorSchemeMapping" href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CGirish%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_colorschememapping.xml"><style>  </style>[FONT=&quot]Thank you once again. True, it seems very much like a one-way street to me. But then it seems like that to him too, I suppose – because he said, every time you have got what you wanted. This time I want to get what I want. Like I mentioned earlier, I made the mistake of not discussing this issue threadbare when he was calm. When he filed on Legalzoom, I actually decided to drop college. Anyway he was going to divorce me, I can’t stay here once the divorce becomes effective, so what’s the point.
But then another thought struck me – maybe he is not serious about it? If so, then why waste a semester? Even now, I don’t know whether he really wants a divorce or just wants to teach me and my father a lesson. But if I ask him that, he will make up his mind that he wants a divorce. It is really like dealing with a hostage crisis.

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GoodSense · Feb 5, 2010

<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><meta name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"><meta name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 12"><meta name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 12"><link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CGirish%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml"><link rel="themeData" href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CGirish%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_themedata.thmx"><link rel="colorSchemeMapping" href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5CGirish%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_colorschememapping.xml"><style>  </style> @pmahensa,
Thanks for your advice again. Right, I thought he learned his lesson the last time. He just bandied the divorce word and didn’t serve me any papers. But this time, he has gone one step ahead. Yes, in the heat of the discussion I too wanted to leave him and go back to India. But in hindsight, I don’t really want to do that. My husband is the sort who will do anything to win – so if I walk out, he will really serve me with papers and my marriage will be over. He is not one to think about right and wrong. Part of me wants to be free, part of me likes the life that I have when we are not fighting. As I said, if he really wants a divorce, he can get it in this country without me stopping him…but I will not hand it to him on a platter, I will go all out to salvage this. If he files the petition, I am going to contest. I don’t know how I am going to catch hold of an attorney & what case I will build, but I will try to impress upon him that this is a frivolous case.

@rosegirl,
Thanks again. Yes, I toyed with the idea of giving up the MBA, even told him that. But it was too late – he was in no mood to listen to anything, and hasn’t calmed down since – it is now nearly a month since this happened. I might have to give it up anyway, if he divorces me. As of now, I am going to college one day a week, he tells me that I need not worry about college because by the time the divorce comes through, the semester will be over. I don’t know, my mind is focused only on stalling that divorce now.

GoodSense · Feb 5, 2010

@moncy,

Thanks for the advice. You are right, giving up MBA might just be the tip of the iceberg. At the same time, if we can’t resolve this minor issue, what will happen when life throws bigger things at us – poverty, ill-health, loss of loved ones…God forbid! Like I said, maybe if I had sat down and talked these issues at length when we were on good terms, he might have listened and we might have come to a common understanding. I shirked that responsibility, and now I am in a soup. He has not given me any choice now – it is no more about keeping the MBA, he is now adamant that I sign those papers. And I simply don’t want to do it. I never give up anything easily, be it my MBA or my marriage. My hope is that he will come around and see what he is doing, of course, that may not happen…in which case I have to come to terms with it and move on.

@hope,

[FONT=&quot]Sorry to hear about your crisis, I did read about it and all the members have as usual given sound advice, I hope your situation improves soon. Absolutely agree with you, my husband is not the sort to see reason when he is in a boiling rage. And me doing anything, I mean anything, other than shutting up and not saying a word, just adds fuel to the fire. I should have spoken to him earlier. Now I can only pray that I get a chance to do that. Well, family is always greater than work, true. But what family can I dream of when my wishes are not even considered? I have never been a submissive person, and to even think of that makes me shudder.

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SriVidya75 · Feb 5, 2010

GS

I am really dumbstruck with your responses....what are you aiming for with all this?why do you want to put your feet on two boats and say you want to try only one thing??

You say you want to save marriage...avoid this divorce...and on the other hand you are still going to school planning to complete the semester..what is this double standards??? why cant you totally choose either YES or NO??? are you not seeing yourself how you are telling it outside for society that you want to be in this marriage..just because you had some good times when HE WAS CALM....but internally you are bent up on this MBA thing isnt it??

If you had stopped going to school when he got upset and just left it there, if something had finalized, couldnt you pick up school from where you left? why are you in such a hurry to handle everything at one go???? why cant you take one thing at a time..

Beleive me after reading your husbands behaviour, there is no good timme to really raise the topic of MBA with him..as he is always on his nerves and he himself is not stable...he doesnt know what makes him upset or what is he ok / not ok with? so how can you predict when he is calm or when he would burst out? even if he looks calm, didnt he show his anger as soon as you told him that you are going to school next week??? it would have been the same reaction even if you had told him 2 weeks before...or 2 months before...or 2 yrs before...so forget about getting a happy approval from him....your husband is very confused, egoistic and insecure man...if he knows what he wants...then he would never make mess of this whole marriage...he would exactly put forward what are his expectations from you and ask you the same and come to an agreement...but he wants your father to fall on his feet!! or beg him or talk to him ..all silly childish brat!

You have to really think about what youa re doing and stop playing around these double games...sorrry to use this word..but yes it was really surprising to me how you want everything to happen as per your own conveinience when things around you are all messed up.

Think through clearly...What do you want...marraige/MBA. First priority..if first is marriage...put MBA off your plate totally for a while until you know where you stand in this marriage...STOP going to school or even mentioning about school. Let him see that you are not for MBA anymore..and dont even raise the topic when he is calm...dont think that such things would settle down easily...no..NEVER.

Having said that if MBA is your priority, pls let this marriage go...sign the papers and give it to him, you already are prepared for your school, part time job etc right? so work hard and stand on your feet. Yes its going to hurt for sure in the begining but slowly you would get used to it....always remember ifyou want one thing, you have to let go of the other..dont try to fight it out and make it more worse mentally and physically.

If you are on H4 you would be eligible for alimony...but if you are on H1 visa you wont be as you are also working...I dont know about the rules of F1/student visa..which you got to find out from an attorney...

STOP trying to manipulate the situation as it would do no good to you...because you can manipulate hte situation for a while however you cant manipulate your heart n brain which woul dkeep pushing you to break this shackles of marriage and run away from this guy who doesnt approve of you or your thoughts...think about it...

Also please STOP justifying your husbands behaviour of getting angry and taking decisions at the spur of the moment..what maturity does he have..and how would he ever grow up??? do you think he doesnt know what he has to face if he files for divorce? do you think he doesnt know the rules/post divorce situation? am sure he must have done his research too...so dont underestimate him or treat him like a baby....he knows what he is doing whether its out of anger or preplanned we dont know..so lets not come to a conclusion on it..

Anuradha00 · Feb 5, 2010

Hi GoodSense,

Love your member id!!!!

Coming to your situation, it is very sad that you have to face such opposition from your husband where your education is concerned. However let us consider the situation from his perspective also.

Most men value their worth by their ability to support and provide for their wives. Many men also have problems accepting the fact that their wife's parents are supporting her financially for any reason and take it as an attack on their dignity / pride. Now this may just be male ego but many men are like this. When he first did not voice any objection to your MBA plans his financial situation may have been different. Or he may have thought that you will financial aid etc. When instead your father started paying for your fees, his ego got hurt. To him it was your father's unspoken way of saying that he is a useless guy because he (your father) still has to support daughter! This can be 100% faulty perception. Your father may only be helping you because he wants your family to come up but your hubby may not be thinking along these lines. He may just be one of those huge-ego guys who think anything financial from inlaws reflects poorly on himself or his ability to support his wife.

I know the importance of higher education so I cannot tell you to discontinue your MBA. I can see that it is very important for you. But on the other hand there is your marriage. Put both on a balance beam and weigh them (in your mind0. Which is more important to you? Which will be more difficult to give up? Then think if there are options. Example, you can always get MBA but your marriage with this guy, once it fails, it is gone for good. You cannot get it back. But is this marriage important enough for you to give up your education (even temporarily)?

You are in for some very difficult decision making. You have already seen the kind of personality your hubby has. He seems to be egotistical guy but such guys are usually also very sensitive. So you may have to walk on eggshells around him all the time so as not to hurt him... even the slightest thing might trigger his hypersensitivity and get him all upset and riled up at you. Is this something you can handle for the rest of your life?

I cannot give you any answers because this is your life and your marriage. But one thing I will say is that your hubby will never change even after you have kids. So you really need to sit down and think this out for yourself. Give plenty of time to yourself. Ask for a sabbatical from your university and think this through in the interim period. Don't take hasty decisions but don't prolong your dilemma either. Good luck and hope all works out for you.

ShilpaMa · Feb 5, 2010

GS, I've realised from my own marriage that..

when ILs start the comment.. we made a mistake to select you and now want to make ammendments.. there are constant threats for filing divorce. They get provoked every now and then and what ever you do... whether good or bad.. relationship rarely comes to normal.

I dont know how long will my marriage survive but once realised the above truth I wont leave my education/ job thinking that atleast now they'll be happy... cos I know nothing will make them happy anymore..

Your DH needs to explicitly tell what exactly he wants you to do if not MBA, if it was carrying child then I think once can study and produce child in parallel.. if ladies do it in India then I guess US will be no different. Again a child can be brought in only if he feels that this marriage is stable and he's not parting ways post delivery with/ without the child.

arthidiva · Feb 5, 2010

Dear GS, I second the latest replies of SriVidya and Anu..

what are you trying to do?? both of you seem to be competing.. common girl, cant you put a hold to your MBA dream for a while? just a while.. work on your marriage NOW. MBA can wait is what I think. If you miss this sem, whats the harm in doing it later?? Does an MBA mean more to you than your marriage?? I wouldnt say this if you wanted to call it off but you want to be married to this guy? so why do want to test your marriage with an MBA.. I agree your interests should be respected and you should have a fair chance to choose and live by it.. but if your DH is stopping you, and you want to fight it by being in this marriage then you have to take a different route girl..

now about your DH.. like Srividya says your DH may not understand even later how important MBA is for you.. but take some time to build a good foundation in your relationship. What will you have achieved if your have a MBA is one hand and a divorce on the other?? this is not a game that you are trying to play.. you will never win it if you are under multiple risks.. your man is not able to think it the right way, I get it. what does he loose in a one or few hours of class every week?? he is acting very immatured. I agree. and this is the time you act mature. both have to put equal effort.. but if you are the one wanting to work on this marriage then you have to take few steps forward so that he likes to put little effort too...

put a pause to MBA and work on your marriage.. tell your DH that you dont want to continue MBA for now.. tell him you want to put a hold to it.. make sure your life is normal.. once he tears off the divorce papers, he comes back to normalcy, spend time with him.. keep him cool for a while. do not talk abt your father or anyone else.. it is just you and him. after a few months of smooth life, you can always discuss your intentions with him and if he loves you more than his hatred towards your dad, I am sure he will give into your interests..

some nuts are easy to break, some require more effort to break, but will break.. your DH is the latter kind.