Again the same old thing

SriVidya,

I do agree with your points but my husband used to kind of stubborn before the kids but he changed lot after the kids and he understands now some of my pains.
Before kids when we had some fight for land registration he says that it's unethical to ask him my name on the registration papers.
But now after having 2 daughters he things that there daughters have more bright future here than India like equal rights and everything.
I know it's a tough situation but I also sometime we shouldn't pull until the rope breaks.
It doesn't look to me very bad marriage but people are rolling all over there ego and not able to let it go thing.
I really don't know what is better way of dealing this.Yes if she stops her education and listen to him there is way he can come back and control more.Or sometimes with time they can realise how foolish they have been and can be a better husband.We don't know how that person can turn into.

 

Yep agreed!!

 

I agree with you Srividya..

But when things happen during the initial stages of marriage when the couple dont have a good understanding and maturity, haven't developed a strong loving bond and haven't learned to live in a relationship making little compromises for each other .... then things blow out of proportion. He is really immature to throw her out and stop her MBA and she is really immature in taking money from her dad and using her marriage to realize her MBA dream.

But do we want these things to break a marriage and cause so much hurt to both parties. If the above incidents had not happened I am sure both would have had a good marriage (Of course with occasional fights) and developed a healthy, give-and-take relationship.

Its very disheartening to see people jumping for divorce at the drop of the hat. I struggled so hard to save my marriage. My and dh talked to respective lawyers to file separation ... but today when I think, its so stupid .. we were driven by EGO and nothing else.

And I see the same patten here... Anyway its upto the OP to exactly decide whether this marriage is worth a shot or time to call it quits.

 

Yes agreee with you...lets see whats her take on this! I too think she has to give it a shot by just letting go that MBA..hope it works out for her

 

Hi dear,

I read all your posts and I think you have got some wonderful advice from all the members here...

I am just going to tell you my opinion. I dont know if I am right or wrong, its just my view.

See , I know married life is very important. To an extent career also is. There are many women who have given up their careers to come to US and stay with their husbands. If thats what both the husband and wife want, then it is fine. Then there many cases where wives come here to be with the husband and they BOTH try options for the wife to work or study. Again it is something both of them want.

The problem you are facing is because you both dont want the same things. Marriage is important for both of you. For you , you also want to continue your career along with it. There is nothing wrong in it. For your husband , it should be only him and ur baby(whenever u have one) . So you both are on such different pages in the book.

Now you have just started living your life together. In future there will be so many things happening in your life and unless you both have proper understanding how will you solve all those issues then?

See , you were scared to tell him to drive you to school. Just imagine.. my dear how long can you live like this on egg shells???

I am sure you agreed to file divorce on the spur of the moment and maybe your husband felt v upset that you didnt stop him , and you gave more importance to MBA . Maybe he is upset that you are depending on your father . But this is not the way to deal with things..
He cant just keep threatening the word "DIVORCE" for everything.

Ok in order to save your marriage , lets say u give up MBA. there is no harm in doing it to save your marriage. But are you sure that tomorrow your husband will not ask you to give up something else? WIll you constantly be able to give up on things?
Marriage is a 2 way street. One person alone cannot compromise or adjust. If your compromise 60% atleast you should see a 40% compromise from his side.

If you were my sister, I would have asked you to really sit and jot down the pros and cons of staying on in this marriage and really figuring out whether it is worth it ? I would also have suggested to go and see a councellor.

 

I am in the middle of my own crisis, but i couldn't resist responding to this one after reading. However, i have a question for pmahensa.
as pmahensa says
"and the only way that can happen is if you stop crying, apologizing, suppressing your desires and instead, be serious and mean business and give him a dose of his own medicine."

Isn't that like saying "you teach me a lesson and i will TEACH you back?".
Isn't that like stooping to their level of immaturity, to show how even you can retaliate back , especially when you are at no fault?

YES, I do understand that he is over-over-over-reacting and you on the other hand are being equally stubborn to complete your studies. As i see you guys have no other problem other than your studies coming in between your relationship.

In any case, good sense, plz do not take a hasty decision to teach him back a lesson.. however, in the mean time, when he tries to bully you, just be quite and don't respond emotionally or physically. Give him space and you also take space and think how you could work out your marriage.

In-fact, If i were you, i would pick a right time and try discussing this matter with him without loosing each others temper. Ask him 'why' he doesn't want you to complete your MBA? If the reason he gives is valid enough , then ask him if he is ok with you studying later on in your life. There are a lot of women who do their MBA after their kids grow up. If he says yes, then good for you. But if he says no, then still no regrets, because by the end of the day, you are still a winner as you have a loving husband and kids. Isn't that much better than not having any?
just think about it and prioritize.

Blessings!

 

I totally agree with HOPE here ..
but where is the OP ?

 

I would suggest Hope that you read the OP's previous thread and then reconsider my viewpoint. Her Husband has left her stranded at a hotel with no money and no way to either go back home or to India. You still think she should bend over backwards to please this man?

 

I think ego is definitely playing its role, it happens in all marriages, something or other will tick someone off , its so hard to stop, there is no magic mantra to make marriage work given any circumstance of life..

It does not matter whether a person is 1-2 or 9 years old in marriage, most marriages deteoriate over time. Its like slow poison....

OP whether she gives up MBA or not, her husband is not going to lose the control, that will give him more power , at the same time if OP does continue she is risking her marriage, so its such a catch 22 situation, which way to go...

If OP gives up MBA she can at least prove, she tried to save the marriage later on if it fails again. Chances of which are very high though.

 

I agree with Tridev 100%

My thinking is that to make marriage work, compromise needs to be made from both sides. Yah, in Indian marriages the norm is for the wife to make adjustments, but I also think many indian men make tremendous adjustments and don't talk about it like we women do.

What I feel is hapenning here is that GS is making all the adjustments with no compromises from her husband. In Hindi they say Taali ek haath se nahi bajti. (you need 2 hands to clap). Therefore I feel that GS can compromise all she wants but unless her husband contributes to changes/adjustments it will be a loosing battle for her.