After marriage visiting your home.

You need to speak to her and ask her why she behaves this way, is she scared you will 'over stay' and it will effect her, does she feel you will interfere etc, this is a lifetime effect so you should try to sort it out, you should not have to draw away from your mother because of her, if you let it fester it might just get to a point where you cannot go at all because she makes you uncomfortable, you would then loose out on time with your mom. talk to your sis in law, try to find out her issues with you and resolve them for her.

 

I sympathize with you. This is very hard problem to solve.

If you overstay at your brother's place, then there are "feminine wiles" employed to get you out of the house. I hope I don't receive flak for the usage of the word "feminine wiles" but overstay is overstay and privacy is privacy.

Please do not overstay at your brothers' place. Can you ask your mother to stay with you? Do you have any other close relatives where you can stay with your mother?Please don't think that staying in other relatives' house is like washing the dirty linen in public. It is not.

Your SIL needs to understand you need a place to go, relax and rest, especially during sensitive times such as delivery. If she does not get it, then that's OK.You need to think about yourself too. Do your parents have any siblings with whom you have good relationship? Can you invite your mother to stay with you there?

 

is her reaction preemptive or post-traumatic?

 

Deleted. Not needed.

 

:iagree If you are getting caught in the cross-fire of a not-so-cordial MIL-DIL relationship, there is one person who CAN make a difference if he chooses. If you're not overstaying or making your SIL slog too hard for you or if it's a sensitive time such as the birth of a child or if it's her way of getting back at her MIL for past injustice, your brother CAN be a bad husband temporarily. Does he side with his wife irrespective of the merits of the situation ?

Of course, the score-keeping will not be suspended.

 

I don't have a great relationship with my SIL either. Thankfully my SIL lives in another country so I meet her maybe once a year for a few hours and talk to her on the phone about 5-10 times a year for a couple of minutes. But even in that short time she manages to be rude and offensive at least a couple of times. So I completely understand how you feel about your SIL and I feel sorry for you.

Your mother's house has become your SIL's house now. You have to accept that. There really is no way around it. You cannot go to your mother's house and relax anymore.

When you go there,

* Always remember that you are an unwanted and potentially dangerous guest in her house.So be extra nice to her.
* Buy her lots of gifts- even if you realize that she just throws them away.
* Ask her if there is anything you can do to help out- dont just start cleaning/ cooking
* Remember the saying about dogs barking at the sun and let her insults roll off. It is hurtful in the beginning but pretty soon they will stop affecting you so much.
* So many DILs refuse to live with their inlaws ( myself and my SIL included) so cut her some slack
* Don't ignore her because she is rude to you. How will you feel if someone comes to your house and ignores you?
* Remember she is not a bad person, she is just insecure and unhappy.

Slowly she will stop hating you so much and start trusting you. And would be nice and polite to you. At least that is what I am hoping for....

 

This is not a good way to spend time with parents. Most children on this earth wants to spend some time with parents. Why not spend time with parents in a close relatives house? Parents siblings, grandparent siblings. It is not possible to spend months together in relatives house but a week should not be a problem.

 

I think similar advice is given to DILs to get along better with their MILs :hide:

 

not so simple, mom. forgot, close relatives house also has a lady or two who likes the house to herself?