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Affair

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by aksharaInd, Jun 16, 2010.

  1. aksharaInd

    aksharaInd New IL'ite

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    Does any one know why I feel more sad than angry?
    Should I not be angry about what he did ?
    Why do I still want him ?
     
  2. soumya234

    soumya234 Platinum IL'ite

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    :spin:spin:spinSome women want to stay in a marriage no matter how much he abuses and you on the extreme, just bcoz he was frank,got ready to allow him to marry another woman?? But Why would you?Both cases are wrong.
     
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2010
  3. Vidya21

    Vidya21 Senior IL'ite

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    Everyone processes things differently. There are no should's to how you feel. Maybe you want to write out what precisely makes you sad... it will help you process your thoughts better and figure out what you want to do.

    Don't also beat yourself up over why you still want him, or why you aren't angry at him. You've built your life around this man, it is going to take some time to process all that is going on and come to terms with it.
     
  4. Visu2k

    Visu2k Gold IL'ite

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    You want him, because you love him. And you want to see him being happy even if that happiness comes at your expense. But I don't see the same from him - he is concerned about only his happiness.

    This difference is what is causing you not to be angry with him and rather be sad.

    I can write more but what is the point?
     
  5. sarma

    sarma Senior IL'ite

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    There is an element of (the feeling of) rejection you would feel which will make you feel sad. The thinking person that you are should (try to) filter that and analyze your situation. Being aware that there is an element of that will make you more aware of your position and deal with it logically which I am getting the feeling that you are!

    When you analyze it well you will realize that it's not rejection but it's more of the lure of the other pastures! So don't beat yourself.
     
  6. IndainDad

    IndainDad New IL'ite

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    OP, sad to read your story. Of all the women in this world, he chose one who is yet to make up her mind (whether or not to divorce her husband) as his soul mate. I think you need to have a chat with him and make the call that you think is best. Don't let him buy time. Because all he would do with that time is wait for the other lady to make up her damn mind.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 17, 2010
  7. sarma

    sarma Senior IL'ite

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    If you read carefully I said he is taking advantage of US laws (not vows)! I meant to say that it's far easier to get a divorce here (for a man) than in India.

    Again the point is to appeal to his ethics as legally there is nothing to stop him.
     
  8. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    She is still deciding if she should get a divorse.

    Akshara, While she is still on the fence about her marriage, your husband is weaving dreams of his life with her. Not a good thought or decision. He shud be responsible person here. He is married for 10 yrs and has to realize he is committed with it. Marriage doesnt come with an opening to fall in love whenever you want with anybody you want. Its a commitment you have forever. If he is claiming to have an affair then sadly he is not a committed person nor a responsible one. Its not done that way.

    One the other hand there may be 2 possibilities.One is she doesnt know how he feels and confides in him as a friend. Here he is dreaming of falling in love with her. Second wud be she is aware of him being in love with her and she also feels the same way. In what way is it a good outcome. Its a disaster on both counts waiting to happen.

    My husband told me all this and he has been very frank. I have always loved him for that.

    In what way is his frankness a good thing here.He is claiming to be in love with another woman. He needs to realise that he is married to you and that means its forever. Here he is showing he has a weak mind and can cheat on you anytime.Thats right it is cheating in any way its said. He needs to be drilled some sense if you want to continue with this marriage or walk away so that he marries that woman. This is the result of your conversation with your husband. Are you ready for it.

    Tell him in clear terms to keep away from that woman. Also talk to the her and see what she feels. If she feels the same way tell her to stop it.Lay down the rules in your marriage. I do feel you can take a break from your husband for some time. This is in case if you want to continue with your marriage.If the distance drives sense into him come back and set the rules. Good Luck.
     
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2010
  9. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    That's an easy one. You feel sad because you have invested 10 years of your life with this guy and he has let you down big time, simple as that. Whether you love him, hate him, could care less... the fact remains that he's been a big part of your life. Anyone in your shoes would feel sad.

    As for anger, don't worry, you'll experience that too when the reality of what's happening sinks in. Not everyone experiences all emotions all at once.

    I think you still want him because he hasn't changed, you haven't changed. Neither of you has fundamentally changed, so it's hard to suddenly digest that he is not the person you thought he was. It is hard to come to gripes with reality when it's not the person who has changed, but the facts of the relationship that have changed. And the facts are, he is cheating on you. I think when you start to envision what cheating entails... the hugs, the kisses, the sex, the betrayal, the humiliation... it will sink in more and at that point, you may or may not still want him like you do now. If you passionately love him, those thoughts are nauseating. But if you've had a luke warm relationship with him where you've felt more like siblings than husband and wife, this revelation may not be so disturbing. It all depends on the connection you have with your husband. There is a reason why some people divorce their cheating spouses and wish them well, and why others murder them in a fit of rage. Everyone handles betrayal differently, and a lot of that depends on the dynamic between the couple.
     
  10. aksharaInd

    aksharaInd New IL'ite

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    He feels very bad about what he did, he is very sorry that he betrayed me. But he still has to make a decision whether to go after her or not.
    I dont think he is a villian, but he did make a mistake.
    Do you think this would not have happened if we had kids?
    And yes, no kids now.
     

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