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Affair

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by aksharaInd, Jun 16, 2010.

  1. aksharaInd

    aksharaInd New IL'ite

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    Hi All,
    I need some advise.

    I have been married for almost 10years now. We had initial problems with inlaws etc, but now, we have been very happy.

    A couple of days ago, my husband told me about an affair he has been having with an old flame for the last 6 months. he says he becomes very happy when he sees her.. he feels she is his soul mate and that he is in love.
    She is in a bad marriage, does not like her husband.. she is trying to get a divorse. my husband has been helping her emotionally. She is still deciding if she should get a divorse.

    My husband and her are not sure if they will get married .. but my husband is really hoping that she will be with him since he is very happy with her.

    My husband told me all this and he has been very frank. I have always loved him for that.

    What do I do now? I want to release him from this marriage so that he can be happy with her. But on the other hand, I cannot imagine how I can live without him. Or should I be angry with him for betraying me and leave him ?
    For now I dont feel much anger, I only feel sad. I dont what what I should do.
     
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  2. Visu2k

    Visu2k Gold IL'ite

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    10 years of marriage cannot wither away in an instant. Old flames dying and coming back to life again is never a justification. Also if she was his soul mate, she should have been all through even before your marriage, why did he not reveal it to you before marriage about this affair and that he considers only her as his love. Why this late revealing? Yes he can't just leave you to your devices just because he found his lost love, of which you are not aware till now.

    In the end, it is your prerogative if you think that if your husbands love is elsewhere you need to release him. But you won't disagree when I say that this is not something which just came on to him these days, it has been all along and it was unfair to you that he didn't reveal to you when he took on marital vows with you. He cheated you and he owes an explanation to you for that. His new found honesty and frankness don't matter anything when he got into a relationship with you without having a closure on a previous relationship that he had before marriage.

    Do you have any children?
     
  3. rosegirl

    rosegirl Bronze IL'ite

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    Do you have kids ?

    I think your husband needs to respect the sanctity of marriage here. marriage is not some membership you take at a gym, where you can just end the membership when you see another hi tech gym. Its a promise for life.

    He should cut all contacts with this selfish women and focus on you. She is going through turmoil in her life and she has no rights to take you down with her. Your husband is plain immature to go behind her. When you guys have no problems in your marriage, I dont really see why you want to end the marriage and yield to this foolishness.
     
  4. sarma

    sarma Senior IL'ite

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    May be that's what emboldened to dump his problem in your lap rather easily. It's time for you to look after 'your interests'. If you let go easily, you are missing an opportunity to counter the other lady's spin on him.

    That's why one should help one's self. Sometimes when you are broadminded and think for both, you could/will be taken for granted. If you let go now easily, you will leave him to think you never loved him that much to start with any way and that's why you didn't put up any fight/resistance. Your hubby is using your capacity to think for both against you! There are a few issues you should deffinitely bring to his attention.
    • The other lady is trouble and he could be her escape hatch.
    • An affair of six months is not a test of love but an adventure/thrill of seeking the forbidden fruit.
    • He is being selfish and taking advantage of the US laws though when he married you he took the HIndu vows to take care of you for life
    • He may be misguided and not thinking rationally as he might be infatuated with her
    • And she may dump him later as she has no values as she is wreaking your home and thus is not worth his trust
    • etc. etc.
    Put up your defenses and get him to think a little bit about this at least.
     
  5. ArchanaP

    ArchanaP Silver IL'ite

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    10 years of marriage and this is what you get to hear from your husband. I am so sorry.
    I have the the same questions as Visu. Do you have any kids?
    Did you let your parents on both sides know about this? If not, you may want to do it.
     
  6. aksharaInd

    aksharaInd New IL'ite

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    We were wondering if we want to have kids... he did not want kids before.. but since last year, we decided that we want to have kids next year.
     
  7. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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  8. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    I agree with Spidey. I don't think you should have kids with a guy who is calling another woman his soul mate.

    East or West, the vows are the same my friend. In the US, I believe the words are "till death do you part" and I have also heard in other ceremonies "for long as you both shall live". I think pretty much every civilizations ethics forbid what this guy is up to.

    Personally, I think you should make your husband chose whether he wants to be with YOU or HER before he knows whether she will marry him or not. He has screwed up your life, so let him take a gamble with his. I don't think he should have the benefit of knowing he's got two ladies waiting for him. It should be one or the other, RIGHT NOW. Don't let him string you along while he waits for his cheating mistress to make up her mind.
     
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2010
  9. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    I think I need to read other subforums. This akshara seems like a nice person, but her hubby is a big jerk. Why am I coming across so many jerks in various posts? Gosh! Marriages are becoming a joke or what.
     
  10. ArchanaP

    ArchanaP Silver IL'ite

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    What does that mean? Does he want to marry her and live with both of you?

    Please do not bring kids into this mess.
     

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