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affair before marriage

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ProReal, Feb 4, 2010.

  1. ProReal

    ProReal Senior IL'ite

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    Ladies,
    I typed this whole thing and lost it, so doing it again.
    I had a roomie who was also married and was living away from her husband for work. One day she was chatting with her cousin X on yahoo voice chat and I was around. We talk a lot of things so I already knew about this cousin of her. Questions at the end:

    X is now happily married for the past 2 years. Before marriage she had an affair with her cousin Mr Y (related as distant brother and sister). X and Mr Y were very close when they were young and great friends. He was elder to her and she always looked up to him. As they grew up their friendship only got stronger and they discussed a lot of things including her crushes, love life etc. One time X had to go on a trip and Mr Y accompanied her for company. During the trip they were alone and she was very very sick. He took care of her etc very well and one thing led to another. By the end of the trip they were kissing. When she said it was wrong he said in US people always kiss to show affection, only here it is a big deal. She dint think anything was wrong, only a kiss. Slowly they started having a complete physical relationship. He kept insisting nothing was wrong and she says she liked him so much it sounded like it was ok. She understands it was wrong and fully blames herself. They always knew they can never get married and he was also seeing gals his parents were looking for him. He dint like one of them so he rejected that gal. When X realised that this relationship will not last she wanted to break off.. she met her now husband then.

    They only started knowing each other as friends and suddenly Mr Y got very jealous. He started calling her names, telling her you are a pros etc etc. He used to call her every day and night and never allow her even a minute of peace. All her roommates at that time knew about him because he used to call every second and torture her. This continued for a year almost.. Meanwhile he got married and his wife was also pregnant. Then X and her husband got married and even then he kept emailing, abusing, writing to her husband and saying .. she will use you and throw you etc etc. Finally her husband suggested she cut all ties and she even left her job to stay away from him.

    Now after all these years he found her back and just casual chatting has started. Now and then he keeps reminding her of the past and how great she was.

    Anyways, my roomie thinks she should not even talk to him. I on the other hand think that if they can be friends why not? Past can be past and some ex's can be good friends...

    What are your thoughts.. Just curious. It is a strange question and am sure thoughts will differ...
     
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  2. vmtaurus

    vmtaurus Bronze IL'ite

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    I think your friend is doing absolutely the right thing by cutting him off. Its curious how HE found her back.
     
  3. ProReal

    ProReal Senior IL'ite

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    Exactly, we thought she had gone back to get in touch with him. But she says that he caught her on one of these social forums through a common cousin and that is how they got back...

    So you think they should not talk..Thank you...
    I will wait for some more thoughts. :)
     
  4. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    I would strongly suggest stay away from him.If possible don't try to login or be in invisible mode and don't send any repsonse or blok him.
    These will eventually cause harm to the relations.
    They can never be good friends.
     
  5. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    I think she should absolutely cut contact with him. He is NOT friend material. If they had parted ways respectfully the first time, then MAYBE they could be friends now... if both had totally neutral/non romantic feelings. But this guy is abusive. In the past he verbally abused and harrassed her. Good her hubby was on her side before... but suppose he finds out that now they are in contact again? This guy brings nothing to the table but bad memories and drama. DROP HIM ASAP!!
     
  6. rosegirl

    rosegirl Bronze IL'ite

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    Totally agree with other ladies ...

    I am surprised how you can even suggest something like this to your roomie ?
    If you have even an iota of care for her, you wouldn't.

    Keep her as far as possible from this psycho.please.
     
  7. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

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    A guy who keep talking about the past, abusing her, will be a friend material, now? I don't think so. He is just planning to set her up as his future booty call, threatening her. Also her husband would be really pissed off when he had clearly told her to cut all ties.

    I think your friend is sane and made the right decision. Please don't be a bad influence and help her mess up her life :)
     
  8. SR09

    SR09 Bronze IL'ite

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    Very true as what AGS and Nandhu has responded.
     
  9. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Cut off ties.
    Abusive people remain abusive for one reason or the other.
    One can remain frnd only if they part on healthy note as ASG mentioned.

    Why do you justify them remaining frndz? Whts ur reason???
     
  10. ProReal

    ProReal Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks ladies. I now look at it from your perspective. I have not met Ms X, she is just related to my roomie and no, I have not discussed this with her nor my roomie has.

    We just talked this amongst ourselves and I thought that if X and Y were good friends before all this crap happened, they could probably be good friends now.. But I guess I was wrong. As mentioned in your posts, an abusive person will always remain abusive.

    Just wanted to know other thoughts. Thanks much!
     

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