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Advice too many issues

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by nikkinikki1919, Jan 18, 2010.

  1. nikkinikki1919

    nikkinikki1919 New IL'ite

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    I have been facing lot of problems,from the time I have got married in the family,
    firstly i have adjusted beyond my capacity in this family,
    I come from a financially strong family,always had a car and all the stuff
    i wouldn't say pampered but we got the best,but yet we knew the worth of it and parents encouraged us to be our own independent person
    my mother in law has two sons,her elder son and daughter in law dont get along with each other at all,they are financially strong but dont look after the family ,
    second is me and my hubby i am not earning and we are still struggling
    the thing is that she has this weird thing for my hubby she over possesive and obbsesive about him,she wants to know everything what is going on in my and his life
    she has had the audacity to say to me as soon as i got married that i was no one in his life and she means everything,and i should not interfere or come in between them:rant
    I have always fullfilled my duties as the DIL and she has always been comparing and taunting me.
    During me wedding she did not give me anything at all,also what she gave she did not give of my choice.
    she interferes even in my sex life and asks me questions about them which is very embarrsing

    The thing is her son my hubby dosent think that all these things are wrong,
    she sleeeps in between us,
    she kisses all over his face and cuddles him like a teddy and sleeps,,this all is awful for me to witness
    my hubby from the time we got married has not taken me anywhere,except for when he had to take his parents i accompanied
    no honeymoon no outings nothing,
    he does gift me occassionally,now a days...and well...there is always a budget...now thats ok...but there is a stupid way of saying a budget


    my hubby looks after all the expenses and bills and everuthing he dosent give me any extra money in hand for my expenses..i have to ask him each and every thing before i swipe the credit card
    Where is this all headed,

    Should a husband pay his wife ,even if she is not earning how much $$
    like her pocket money
    what things should i expect from husband
     
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  2. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

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    hmmm...

    Seems like you don't have your priorities right. I mean from your post I see some bigger issues you need to tackle, but you are worried about your pocket money?

    First of all, there should not be expectations in a relationship no matter what type of relationship that is. Ofcourse it is hard to follow, but atleast one has to keep it under control to avoid stress and most importantly DISAPPOINTMENTS. But at the same time, one should know when they are being treated as a doormat and not.

    Take a step back. Is no-financial-independence your primary issue?

    I am quite confused with this line of yours? Why do you say his budgeting is stupid? What is that you want to be happy. A luxury, high end gifts? Or the fact that he remembers you and tries to show it with a gift of economical choice?

    Where are your guys living now? with inlaws? Clarify that to me please.

    Ok.

    May be discussed this with him? Told him your wishes or desires? Going to honeymoon or outing is not the primary issue. First you need to get a better understanding with each other, which I think you are lacking. You have a whole life ahead of you and these elders are not going to be there forever in your lives. Building a relationship now is very important, not materialistic wishes.

    Please explain more. I have no idea what you mean here. What type of questions are they?

    She said you are "No one" Was this her exact word? Or was it like "Let;s not have a strained relationship?"
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 27, 2010
  3. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Ewww your mil (and possibly husband) is a freak of nature. She shouldn't be sleeping in the middle of the bed between you and your hubby. If there is only one bed in the house, let her sleep in the main one, and you and hubby get an air mattress and sleep on the floor. Don't put up with that anymore. If your husband won't kick his mom out of YOUR bed, then you get up and sleep away from them and let the two love birds have their time together. Eventually (hopefully) he will realize what a screwed up relationship he has with his mom, and rejoin you wherever you are sleeping. There is nothing wrong with kissing your kids goodnight (at any age), but sleeping in the same bed (at almost any age) is just too extreme. Looking forward to your answers to Nandhu's questions...
     
  4. nikkinikki1919

    nikkinikki1919 New IL'ite

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    Nandhu

    Well my priorities are straight,I am well educated,was doing a job
    Here in USA,job market is not good right now, and i am not getting ne position in my field of expertise
    Went through lots of mental stress,of accussing me for the sons financial position
    as soon as i got married,i had series of health problems

    My hubby is gr8,but the fact that my MIL<TRIES p remarks< to create problems passing sarcastic> She has to speak to him everyday,
    Knowing about sex life,when are u planning a baby,already naming my baby,and everything that is ok
    but listening to our intimate talks,and askin me if we have it how often>>>>>man thats not right..

    i have talked to my hubby quite a lot,Also the budget thing is fine appreciation is what i need
    here is the way of saying see i can afford only $20 buy something you are not getting something worth $100 like what your parents buy,
    Have i ever asked you to buy something expensive...no i dint then why the heck the comparisons
    And my in laws very well knew which family i belonged what was my life style....but its ok something is life change...

    Whenever we make plans they change...we planned for a vacation this year sometime back my Mil called and said no come to india i miss you
    I have not been to india either for 2 years,she just came here last year from may to nov
    havent we spent time with her
    She will taunt if we hold hands,she will say how much do you guys need each other
    Its ok to kiss and hug,But hugging and then callin me and saying see how he fits in my hug isnt that weird


    Well what i mean about gifts and everything is he started appreciating my presence after such a long time when he saw how other relationship .i e his bro-his wife, our friends etc

    there where basic things that i need to tell him...its not about my pocket money or something
    someone else has to tell him these things and then they are done
    the fact that i feel a mom is responsible for telling her son his duties,
    I have a brother,and the way my mom handles stuff..
    I am not comparing..But when i married in US..i was supposed to get here first time..
    i did not have a single dollar from my hubbys side,my dad gave xtra money in hand incase of emergency.

    Now i am a good cook,i will make everything for the them...i love doing that
    but she complains to everyone what a lazy bum i am

    Beacuse of all the mental tensions and deppressions i have been through she says i need counselling
    ON my second day of marriage she said dont try to come between me and my son..and for him i am everything ,he cant share things easily with you...he will always tell me...

    if i was wrong wouldnt her family be united...she dosent get along with her own Hubby!!!
    What more i can say

    The fact that I need is exceptance, respect and space...

    There are some duties of wife as well as husband..

    I am not materialistic, but at the end of the day a rose and card does make a difference
    Everyone wants to be appreciated..
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 27, 2010
  5. rosegirl

    rosegirl Bronze IL'ite

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    Why the hell do these MIL get their sons married... why cant they just keep them to themselves and save a girl's life and happiness...

    Just arrange an escort every week and get a grandkid through a surrogate and call it a day.

    Really frustrating... :spin
     
  6. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

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    I agree, asking about your sexual life is not right. Listening to our intimate talks is plain wrong. --> Your husband seems to be kinda of let's say innocent here? so take up the issue yourself. Don't sweat or whine about it, think about ways how you can resolve it.

    (1) Talk to your husband and tell him you are embarrassed that your mother overhearing our intimate talks or you talking to our daily sexual ritual is a turn-off. Tell him that you will not get physical unless this is resolved.
    (2) Let her here your intimate talks, why do you care? She can't do anything about it can she? If she has no shyness to hear her son's sexual talks, as a wife why should you ;) Why should you spoil because some weirdo oldie is hearing you? Think about it ;)


    Ok, may be insecurities or inferior complex? Do you want to see the bigger blown up stupid balloon or the cute small factor that atleast he is doing something than nothing. He can very well say, sorry dear wife, I cannot afford to get you gifts, no matter how much they are, right?

    It's how you see it and react to it. If he says so, tell him "Well, you did buy me this didn't you? I love it, it's not the money that matters, but the thought, that I love" Give him back in a positive way and see. For any normal person, if the reaction to their sarcastic comments are always positive, they become positive and all these comparisons go thin air. Try it out.

    Good, keep that in mind always. It's not your in-laws who should remember this, but you. Because you are the one who is going to do the adjustment, yeah?


    Ok leave it, here in states, every weekend is an outing, you can plan short picnic trips with him. What can she do, call you guys up for a month may be, right? you have a whole year with him. Think about the long weekends, can't you plan up something? Don't sweat about it, you will just ruin your relationship with him :) Then it will be even more messier to handle.

    Taunt her back that you can get enough of your husband :) Simple.

    The point I am trying to make is how you control yourself to reacting to all her simple poking. Either you stress yourself so much about it or just ignore and carry on having fun with your husband. Remember it was your words in the post - My husband is great. What more do you need. Ofcourse no more is perfect. But a simple adjustments here and there, some compromises here and there, works a long way, trust me. He will love you more for taking all his mom's bashing in a positive way and who knows he might even take care of it surprisingly. Patience is very important.

    Ok, stop your thought process right then and th this family. You know that their social status is less compared to your family. You know that you will have to adjust to their lifestyle. You know that you cannot have a luxurious life as before.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 27, 2010
  7. nikkinikki1919

    nikkinikki1919 New IL'ite

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    Quote:
    And my in laws very well knew which family i belonged what was my life style....but its ok something is life change...
    Good, keep that in mind always. It's not your in-laws who should remember this, but you. Because you are the one who is going to do the adjustment, yeah?

    No one forced you to get married to this family. You know that their social status is less compared to your family. You know that you will have to adjust to their lifestyle. You know that you cannot have a luxurious life as before.

    Nandhu....Arranged marriages parents do see the financial side...They lied to us.
    Thats not fair..She lied just about everything...
    Such double standerds...She tried to create a big rift in between me and my hubby saying i am money minded and spoke ill about thier living standards
    Well as after marriage to cover up her folly she started acting as if..this is what it is..
    We have a small house...but i know you will stay here...cause you have good upbringing
    imagine...7 people living in 1 room kitchen...whereas a bigger house which they own is rented by someone...

    and whatever dialogues she told me..about the small house and so on...she told my hubby i said them...where as..i did not



    Tell me best way to ignore her...and build my relationship with my hubby stronger
     
  8. nikkinikki1919

    nikkinikki1919 New IL'ite

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    I dont want a henpecked hubby
    But she makes sure he dosent listen ne thing to me
    she will make sure..of tellin time n again..if you give too much importance lady stand on your head and dance...She is a lady herself...my poor FIL...he is such a rat in front of her
    I have a better understanding of saving finances..
    But my hubby wont listen..

    I read someones post///just wanted to add....we have no married life left
    everyday chatting with mom...and then sleep.
    ok you speak to them everyday fine....but 1-2 hrs....
     
  9. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    nikki,

    I understand from your post you don't live with your in-laws and she only visits sometimes.

    I think lot of women do have lot of issues in inital years of married life especially with in-laws.All the ladies here,advise to give just ignore those words.I think you need to completly ignore your MIL.Suppose if your MIL says something on you,does your husband come back and check with you.First time tell that,I don't talk like that and it's not just me and keep quit.Suppose if he bring the same things again and again ask him what he wanted to do.Does he want peaceful life with his wife or not.

    But you need to forget your MIL and her words.People typically do verify other things in arranged marriegs.Here I am not sure how did that happened and you can't revert the things.going forward ,you only need to make sure how to keep your marraige happy.Especially men,they will have impact of mother in there lifes for some years until they get confidence on the wife.Until then you need to balace your marraige carefully with patience.It's all upto you.

    Even I have seen my MIL telling my hubby that women only get married to have money infront of my face.I just ignored her.I don't even act like,I listened to her.Whenver she comes she does tell stuff.But I completly ignore her.I don't even act like she is there and talking.
     
    Last edited: Jan 19, 2010
  10. sandu

    sandu Bronze IL'ite

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    Your mil is going overboard in showing her affection to her son and that is sure hurting you a lot.
    As one whose mil also does this sleeping on our bed, let me tell you something.

    My mil also used to snatch the first opportunity to pack me to another bed and occupy the same bed as my husband. Till recently. (She never had the chance to sleep in between us, as I used to go off to the other bed!) This all happened because my husband and I let all this happen. We used to feel that denying her this simple pleasure of sleeping in our bed (with DH too) or in the same room as us, would not be good. This went on for several months till she left to India. I had enough of it, and for this time, when she came here, I made sure I spoke to my DH about it and strictly informed him that nobody else can share our bedroom. He was aghast at my insensitivity to his mother first, but now, she sleeps separately, and life is much better. (See my earlier thread in these forums for more suggestions by ILites).

    So, if you want to avoid nosey-parkers in your bedroom, put your foot down. Tell your hubby strictly that nobody should sleep at night between you two, that you two should sleep alone, and that you will shut the bedroom doors at night and open them only in the morning (unless there is some emergency). Tell him that these are the basic things which are observed in every family.

    Good luck!
    Sandhya
     
    Last edited: Jan 19, 2010

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