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Advice: Taking Back My Responsibilities

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Sweety2019, Oct 14, 2019.

  1. Sweety2019

    Sweety2019 Silver IL'ite

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    Kindly advice on this topic.
    I'm really tired of being a submissive meek obedient person..
    Let me give an example.. there were small tasks/gestures that I used to love to do for my DH. There have been times where my MIL would take over (saying it's okay I will do it) , I just thought "oh that's fine!! It's her son after all".

    Over time, she took over so many small gestures that I used to do (small things like helping him out arrange stuff or make something spl or super simple of dusting his vehicle or so).

    And yes I thought she might feel bad if i tell no (the basic new bride feeling I should say yes to everything and not stand on my foot and say no i will do it ) and let her take over.

    But now, it has come back to bite me. She has made DH think I have done nothing for him and she does everything..

    Now I know the above paragraph is not well phrased..but would like some suggestions on how can I take back my responsibilities and my gestures that I love to do for him without making it a big scene and extremely obvious.. if I tell and take over then I'm again put in a bad spot and they will make me look like an arrogant person..

    Any suggestions are welcome..

    Edit: all the small gestures don't mean I do them everyday and also it is not expected by my DH..it is just that sometimes to surprise him or make life a little easy I like to do them..not as a task that I'm obliged to do..
    Sorry if I was not clear..
     
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2019
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  2. Desimommy

    Desimommy Bronze IL'ite

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    Trying to be overly nice and not saying no by being submissive is not going to gain you any good returns especially in the long run. It’s not that you are living With your in-laws for only 1-2 days and pleasing them will make them appreciate you. I did the same thing when I got married but it came to bite me latter when I realized that I was trying to be not who I was, which gave a wrong signal and set wrong expectations with MIL. And when I tried to be who truly the way I am, it was hard to start saying no take thing back in my control which I would like to do. So just continue to do what your heart tells you to. example, I used to serve my DH food, and my MIL starting doing the same. It’s simple things but they do hurt you as you are trying to assert your presence while your MIL is still used to seeing his son as his boy. If you want to do something special for your Dh, you can politely tell your MIL that it would make you happy if you did it for a change. I doubt she will say no. If she did, you can try to request for help for chores or things which you rather have someone else do it. Don’t try to prove anyone but self reflect on things what makes you happy. Compromising your happiness and satisfaction will create negative emotions which can come eventually between you and your dh.
     
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  3. meVaidehi

    meVaidehi Platinum IL'ite

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    Stop treating him like a child both of you. Does it matter who pampers the manbaby more? Dusting his vehicle or polishing his shoes are not responsibilities of partner in relationship. Some like to do these some feel them as burden. They have little to no connection with partner's emotional bonding. He can do these by himself. And if he feels by doing some tasks his mommy is gaining brownie points over you, he is either equally immature or using the tussle between you ladies.
    There are plenty of other ways and gestures of showing your love which mil couldn't possibly take over if you get my point. And I am not entirely talking about intimacy here. Few things here and there like wearing his favourite dress or colors, fragrant flowers or perfume, just plain jokes and fun, taking him out for a stroll, a movie on laptop or TV in your room. List is as long as your thinking goes.
     
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2019
  4. IL86

    IL86 Silver IL'ite

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    Be happy that she has taken over those tasks let her do that, basically an adult should be doing these things himself not expecting mother or wife to do it. If he still thinks you do nothing may be time to think whether he does similar things for you. Expressing love doesn't mean you have to treat the person like child and do everything.
     
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  5. Sweety2019

    Sweety2019 Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you for taking your time..
    all the small gestures don't mean I do them everyday and also it is not expected by my DH..and he does most of his tasks by himself without asking me to..it is just that sometimes to surprise him or make life a little easy I like to do them..not as a task that I'm obliged to do..

    That is very true!! I have been so caught up for the past few days and months about things I'm not able to do or blocked from doing that I forgot how many things I can do..
    Thank you for reminding me..
     
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  6. Sweety2019

    Sweety2019 Silver IL'ite

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    I understand and neither do I want to treat him like a child..and he does not expect it..but there are times when repeatedly someone does something then it turns into a expectation which is what has happened here.. I wanted to do it as a surprise gesture but it turned into something else because it's always done..
    Just that I need some way to show that I do it as a gesture of love and not as a task..

    Thank you for taking you time to respond.
     

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