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Advice required....

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by anithakk, Aug 19, 2015.

  1. anithakk

    anithakk New IL'ite

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    Hi All,

    I need your advice about my MIL, and my relation with her....

    I'm married for the last 9 years , ours was an arranged marriage, we both are malayalees , both born and brought up in tamil nadu, i was brought up like we speak only malayalam at home no tamil at all so my cultural inclination is more of malayalees, my hubby is just opposite, thy speak tamil at home he can read write tamil and when we got married he just started speaking malayalam, i feel they are more tamil inclined....

    So when we got married , my defintion of marriage was different from theirs, they actually look at DIL as a somebody to help in household chores , not much intensely involved in decision making, to go to my mom's i should get my MIL's permission, so many many like that, my area of accessbilty was kitchen and my room only.....so i was an DIL nowhere close to a Daughter

    Due to so much of difficulties we left the house after around 8 months, since then we were an total outsider, even if we go once or twice a month , we were not very welcomed.....The Big Fact i was and am an outsider, she never calls me, i call her and talk , she never tells gve d phone to my DIL etc etc.....so i thought she i like that only....

    Then my BIL got married to a well to do girl, she started treating her really well, right from day one she was treated like a Daughter i felt, ( For ex: when i say kitchen is d only area i'm permitted, in the pooja room i have lit light just once or twice in thw full 9 years). But seriously she was treated well....i started feeling sad and insecured...so i stopped going there very often, believe me she started utlizing it to the core, this continued when my co-sister goes abroad also , she will call her but not me for any doubt, i felt very hurt, she never helped or support me in front of people, i used to struggle with my kids and never used to give us good hospitality when we go there also...

    All my relatives started noticing her indifference towards me and started sympathsing me, now last year i got so bugged up i stopped calling her, and told my hubby i will talk to her only if she says atleast once give d phone to my DIL, i'm still it has been1 year and 3 months since i took d decision but she has never asked,

    she just asks my hubby is I'm fine or is everybody at home fine, and she goes and tell everybody that my hubby is nt giving d phone for me to talk to my DIL, which is a big lie. i just have a desire just once she says give d phone to my Dil.....but she has never told.....she spread wrong info and creis to everybody and gain sympathy.....now my SIL(cousin) who is very fond of me came and advised that i adjust cause she is feeling very sad....

    i feel she is just acting in front of her....Please advice.....
     
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  2. beingloved

    beingloved Gold IL'ite

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    Leave the ego behind.. grab the phone and talk!
     
  3. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    Pick your battles wisely.
    Pick your battles wisely.

    Pick up the phone, just for namesake talk some stupid pleasantries, check off the task and move on peacefully.
     
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  4. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    If you want to be treated like a daughter, then treat her like a mother. If not, respect the differences and move on.

    We are not the same people. As you rightly said, your co-sister behave really well with her MIL. Their chemistry works and they do make a good pair, perhaps. Accept it. What is the big deal?

    If you really expect her to inquire about you the next time, then do one thing.

    Pick up your phone, call her and inquire about her. Do this repeatedly a few times, and always make the conversation beautiful with no hard feelings.
    She will surely call you one day.

    If you are not that interested on her calls, then leave it as it is.
     
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  5. anithakk

    anithakk New IL'ite

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    Dear SGBV,
    "Pick up your phone, call her and inquire about her. Do this repeatedly a few times, and always make the conversation beautiful with no hard feelings.
    She will surely call you one day."
    Ma'am i hve been doing this for the last 8 years, i used to wait for her to call me back sometime, i was tired of the waiting phase, she never even called on necessity, that is when i got tired and decided to move on....
    Even Now i talk to her when we meet in person, when my FIL gives the phone to her, etc etc, but still she keeps telling everybody that i don't talk to her.....

    If you want to be treated like a daughter, then treat her like a mother. If not, respect the differences and move on. that is what is happening....

    Dear Beingloved,
    I don't have Ego madam, i tried all possible ways to make things work between us, it didn't ....so i gave up expecting.....
    Cause even for bday's and special occasion nobody calls it hurts a lot ma'am or rather they call very late in return if we call late they make an issue.....
     
  6. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    Anitha, nobody notices what you have done in last 8 yrs...everybody will see that now you are not talking to your mil...nobody will put blame on ur mil even if she hasn't called u ever n she is not going to call u....everybody will expect u to bow down n call...sounds unfair but true...
    Our society expects dil to be without selfrespect....their self respect or demand for little concern is tagged as ego...
    Now there are 3 ways...


    1. Pick the phone and call her for society sake...
    2. Be bold n adamant n let people say what they are saying...u remain on ur stand...
    Tell ur cousin that if ur mil is so troubled what is stopping her to call...
    3. Be cunning like ur mil and if somebody say to u that u don't call ur mil...deny plainly n say that u call..u don't know why ur mil is saying so...
     
  7. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Why do you care so much about why your mil doesn't care for you?
    Good for you.
    Less trouble.
    Lot of women would love to be in such a situation


    If you want to have a good relationship ,then call her.
     
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  8. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    She knows exactly how to push your buttons. Isn't that why she makes it a point that even though you don't call you know exactly what she is doing with your BIL's wife? The fault is partly yours. You haven't stopped expecting. Don't call and don't expect a call back. Let her tell people whatever she wants. Why do you care? As long as you care, it will affect you.
     
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  9. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    op probably your mil learnt lesson and now want to preserve good ties as already her one son and dil are living away.Thats the reason she is treating other dil properly now because she know after effect.
    For most of the women son moving out because of dil is big issue.I wouldn't expect her to behave as motherly with me if i was you.
    Just call her once and then keep calling her on rare occasion as a formality.Speak two three word like happy dipawali to all of you then pass phone to husband.Just do formality.
    Dont start expecting from her anything just because she treats new dil better.She probably has own reason.As i said above she learnt her lesson or may be your BIL is firm type .Lot of times womens place in family depends upon guys place in family.Is this BIL earns a lot or successful in any other way than your husband?
     
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  10. Anamika99

    Anamika99 Gold IL'ite

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    Ditto to what yellomango said , really
     

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