Advice Required On Nanny, Job To Maintain Peaceful Married Life

curtainsdown · Jul 11, 2016

Hi all

I am posting in this forum because this has maximum traffic and the decision will definitely affect my married life.

I am expecting second child soon. Will be going to native for delivery for 2+ months. I have a nanny to take care of older child while I work from home. Husband is ZERO support in sharing household tasks or in childcare or in my career. My income is very little compared to my husband's - so any help i seek he will ask me to keep one more maid. I already have cooking help, child care nanny and a maid to mop /sweep / vessels etc.

I pay 10K for my nanny for a 8 hour / 5 days a week shift. She takes care of my child very well but does not do much housework. She drinks half litre of milk, makes herself Tea or any food she wants at my place. She buys veggies and makes simple lunch for child, me and herself. Mostly lunch making will not be there but may need to make rice or rotis if i made lunch in the morning for hubby (and us). Keeps rice for dinner for all and cuts 1 vegetable (and makes palya for child only) for dinner. Our dinner is made by a separate cook. Since she leaves before cook arrives, she keeps rice and feeds my child a little - after she leaves I will feed my daughter some more depending on what the cook has made.

Now my question is -> while I go for delivery and not available in town, how much should I pay these people? I think I will pay full to housemaid because she will still have to come for mop sweep etc. my hubby wont cook at all the whole time. max he will make tea. Cook is very nice woman and I really like her but her pay is 2.5k for just dinner and she wont be able to come in at her usual time since my husband wont be home. There is no flexibility with her timings - Even if she can come 4 days a week in the mornings I would pay her full but she cant.. So should I pay her and continue to keep her?? Also once I am back, I wont join work immediately and would prefer cooking help in the mornings rather than for dinners as I will be home all day and may be able to make my own dinner anytime afternoon - evening.

Now the key question - should I pay my nanny? it is the steepest of all costs. 20k for 2 months minimum. Plus festival will come in between and I usually pay one month payment - that makes it 30k in all. And if I stay for longer in my native then I don't know how long I can keep paying her. But she is really required when i return with my child and my new born and if I have to go to work. At this point I should also tell you my monthly income is not that much - only 50k. But my husband thinks I should return to work for my own sanity (and his). I am myself ambivalent. I would like to take a break for a year atleast. BUt may not get back to same job if I do try that option. I currently have WFH flex which I may not get anywhere else.

Recently my nanny is acting very pricey and talks like she is paid less and worked more at our house. I dont know if this is true. She will not even wash her own tea cup or milk boiling vessel or child's plate and will keep everything for our next day morning maid to wash. I am getting very antsy in her midst these days because I know she really takes good care of the child - but not good enough in household work - all other maids complain about her that due to her their work is more - By the way she takes both Sat and Sun off and the vessels we put out to wash on Sundays /Monday for our maid are very little compared to the rest of the days. Her assigned work apart from child care is folding clothes, buying veggies and any missing groceries, cutting veggies (not all thats reqd only a part - my cook cuts whatever she uses), making batter twice a weak and makes lunch (may be once or twice a week on days I did not make in the mornings)

What do you all advise?
My husband says that we wont get another nanny like her who is kind to the kid and therefore asks me to adjust ..... but since I am with her all day I bear the brunt of her inaction or laziness. Some days (may be once or twice a weak) she would sleep in our guest room bed while my child sleeps in our bedroom (which is also my office where I work) .... May be I am just overthinking... so need some perspective.

I live in bangalore to get an idea about the going rates of nanny etc here..

KashmirFlower · Jul 11, 2016

looks like 1. your wfh job is good. 2. cook is good, 3. nanny is good except she has to wash/rinse atleast, what vessels she uses, which is not doing, (can u tell her in nice way to do tha). nanny taking nap hen kid is napping ok, i think.

it will help you, if all routines whatever way it is going now , to keep same way after delivery also. It will be a big relief for you, u dont need to worry how new nanny is going to take care of kid etc tension wont be there, so i would say , pay them and let cook come cook for ur h. for nanny you try to negotiate if with 1 month pay and festival bonus is ok, till u come, if not may be pay 30k, as getting good nanny is tough and child has to be comfortable with nanny etc.

when u come back, all will be in place for you. with small baby , these are the people , that u can call as support system.

holding on to that wfh job helps you for one or two years too.

googleearth · Jul 11, 2016

If your nanny anyways cooks and you also cook why don't you let your cook go and tell nanny to cook. Just so that nanny feels better why don't you increase nanny's pay by 1-5% just like we get pay increments in office. So tell nanny that you will pay her Rs11000 once you are back but she has to cook 1 time food. Also she can start cooking when you are not there because your nanny was with you the whole day so she won't have timing constraints regarding your husband being there or not there.

curtainsdown · Jul 12, 2016

thank you for your responses..

no my nanny can only cook really simple stuff like dal rice... not even proper roti. no way we can make her cook for my husband.

Also i cant tell anything to my nanny (like rince / wash etc) because off late she has been already acting like she is doing me a favor by staying with me.... she is highly demotivated and does not want to do any job other than play/dress up my child. She was not this lazy when she started with us - then she had the motivation and tried to be in our good books.. Even if I pay full salary, i am doubtful she will stay after the new baby is here since that would involve a lot more work.....

can someone please suggest what is the correct salary for this job in a posh locality in Bangalore?

KashmirFlower · Jul 12, 2016

Even if I pay full salary, i am doubtful she will stay after the new baby is here since that would involve a lot more work.....
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is Nanny going to take care of both kids ? Your infant also ?
Can you talk with her like : what would be her future duties , and ask her opinion how comfortable she is with that future work, ask her to decide and tell , give her 2 days time and ask what she decided. That way she is committed to what she says. (In India I know lot of maids and other people just say yes yes and do their own thing, don't talk direct talk, that is the problem.) . Tell her salary also how much you want to pay and make her to commit to her words.

what is the correct salary for this job
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I have no idea on this.

off late she has been already acting like she is doing me a favor by staying with me.... she is highly demotivated and does not want to do any job other than play/dress up my child.
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after talking with her also if you feel she may leave and and if it irritates her nature, "as she is acting like doing a favor", you start looking for other nanny, and keep some other contacts ready.

chocolate · Jul 12, 2016

Op, I think you can let your nanny go. She is getting too comfortable in a bad way.She has having a dream job of not picking up after herself too .Look for a replacement in 2 months gap . Before going let her go. Tell her you cant afford a nanny and cook with second kid. But when you come back lay down the rules with the new nanny. She has to do such and such a thing compulsorily .With one more kid rule out the possibility that you can manage to cook dinner or lunch . Employ a full time cook . Maid for rest of the works. Don't divide cutting vegs b/n maid and cook. Let cook do from start to finish. Maid do work like sweep,mop, clothes.Nanny let her be in charge of kids completely.

Do not resign from your job. Even though pay is less you enjoy flexibility which is not a given in any job.You can always opt for a leave without pay for sometime to be with the new baby . Good Luck.

blessings1010 · Jul 13, 2016

Do you want to try interviewing/ calling other potential nannies when your current nanny is around? my sis tried it once and it worked like a charm with her existing nanny. She started helping my sis more and behaving normally. sometimes, a threat to loosepotential income is all you need for her to start helping you out more. if not, at-least you will get to know if there are any better nannies when the time comes for one. If she comes around, set new rules , especially if she is going to taking care of infant too.
Having said that, it is difficult for kids to adjust with a new nanny or when you are away. so you might want to train a new nanny well in advance before you go for mat leave.
Good luck!

curtainsdown · Jul 13, 2016

Thank you for your responses. I am going to be direct and ask her..... that should put my mind to rest.. Once she commits verbally she will have the responsibility to stay true to herself...... thank you all

SGBV · Jul 13, 2016

I suggest you to look for a stay-at-home domestic helper/nanny for all the chores and pay her an attractive salary. This way, almost all your work such as cleaning, cooking, laundry, and looking after the kids will be done by one person, at her own flexibility. Because she is there 24/7, and 28 days in a month. They generally go on leave for 2-3 days in a month.
The salary you may give to this full time maid would be definitely equal or less than the amount you share with all these 3 helpers.
Start interviewing or even approach agencies for this. Your husband might find someone good through his contacts too.
By the time you come back after your maternity break from the native, you can start afresh with this new person. This way, you can drop your inflexible cook/maid, and lazy nanny on the day you leave for the natives. Thus no need to pay during those 2-3 months in native.

chocolate · Jul 13, 2016

curtainsdown said: ↑

Thank you for your responses. I am going to be direct and ask her..... that should put my mind to rest.. Once she commits verbally she will have the responsibility to stay true to herself...... thank you all
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Verbally wont last long. It will only last a while until they start getting comfortable again.I think SGBV gave a good idea. For festival you said 1 month pay . Oh my she is bleeding you dry.Good Luck.