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Advice please

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by lovelydoll, Jun 12, 2010.

  1. lovelydoll

    lovelydoll Senior IL'ite

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    Hey ladies,
    please suggest me, this situation is making me miserable .
    I am married for 2 yr now and husband's behavior is unusual day by day.
    after my marriage I was with my in laws for 10 days and we both came to US.
    first 3 months was very beautiful, he did care and understand my feelings. There was a difference in financial status, but my parents did not consider much as they thought guy seems to be good and u both can work. My sister elder to me is married into a well to do family 10 yr before and it has nothing to do with us. But my hubby always feels inferior neither he calls them nor receives the calls. I thought it to be male ego. recently when we went to India also I cried to get a doll and a gift to my sister , becoz he was not willing and I was ashamed as I was going for the first time and they are small kids who were always with me before marriage. so no good relation there. He doesn't provide me any pocket money , not even a penny I had and even for calling India if I ask a phone card, he said that he was not willing and does not like to get one . I was quite , but recently i saw he was using a card, deeply hurt by this.
    Since two yrs no friends and he doesn't mingle with any one. hardly we attended 4 parties. doesnot allow to talk to my relatives though they are in US, he say's how will u talk when I am not liking? every time , i have to console him saying u are important , plz understand.
    He is much of mum's pet and MIL behavior is very dramatic, as a typical one.
    In india also we had same issue and parents have to flew to my inlaws place to settle the matter. he was very rude in India, pushed me out of the house , mum u tell i will give divorce , mum u tell I will show hell if she will come with me.............
    all these sorts and MIl was calm.
    he always had a thought , a misconception that my mother is telling me something and I am behaving differently
    but sorry to tell, my mother is not at all concerned about those, even today also he says the same
    what are u discussing about my family? why is she calling daily, but thats a casual call and in laws add to this, I am fed up consoling him that she is my mother and as a daughter she calls. but he is mad even if my father calls him he will just unplug the phone connection, really mad, my father even touched his feet while we were returning , but this guy says he wants that and really making life miserable no talking, no friends,
    he does not want my parents it seems but they never involve in our internal things, was saying that i dont want children if u want your parents and I am ready and preparing myself to leave u if I dont like.
    i am fed up, thought bought up in a rich family , i do everything and i respect him, but he is not trying to understand me.
    only his parents , brother and his grand parents , he does not want anything, i am preparing for a exam here and in few i am unable to cope up and he shouts at me saying u are not organised , not goal oriented.............
    but I was a university rank student and always top in my class
    plz suggest , me how to change his attitude towards my parents, plz
    especially towards my mother
    I will be very greatful to u all
    thank you
     
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  2. lovelydoll

    lovelydoll Senior IL'ite

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    he has very arrogant behaviour , if he is not liking he will say get out of my sight or house, after giving arthi palces the pooja plate down and says this is your place, i am giving high respect so u ar behaving like this, and mainly his brother used to stay with us and feels that I and indirectly my mother is responsible for him to go away and he went to work, , this is bad and rediculously and in laws also blam her but she is no way concerned about all these and she ended in chest pain now a days becoz of all these blames.
    what to do ?
     
  3. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Lovelydoll. I am surprised there are people in this world like your DH. What is wrong with that guy.. I see you so much submissive, your parents so decent, and this guy is like so adamanant, arrogant and egoistic

    This is what I have learnt dealing with people who are such,if you keep bending down, if you keep requesting, that will not work. They are like those bullies, who need to be taken to a corner and give a tight talk. Something like they have not heard, can you do it? you will see him change if not the situation will surely change for you, you wont take it anymore and you will decide one way or other for sure..

    Whatever you do , please stand tall and dont bend down so much. If you have not done anything wrong no need to console......
     
  4. Prettywoman2010

    Prettywoman2010 New IL'ite

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    Hi Lovelydoll,

    I see two major issues here

    1) He does not want to assist you financially.
    2) He does not want to maintain any relation with your side of family and disrespects them. He also doesn't want you to be in touch with them.


    Please talk to him, tell him you need a monthly allowance, also tell him you want him to respect your family and inreturn you will always be considerate to his family. Do not become too emotional while talking, do not get into any argument, make these points and give him time to think.

    If he still does not cooperate, think if you can live with such a man? a man who is insensitive to your needs, who hardly cares about your feelings, if he does not change now then please do not expect he will change in the future. You have a right to be happy, please dont loose self respect and ask your parents not to bow down to his feet. For a start maybe you should start looking for a job, something smaller like baby sitting for indian friends should get you some cash for emergency needs.

    Best Wishes
    Priya
     
  5. lovelydoll

    lovelydoll Senior IL'ite

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    thanks for the advice,
    Yeah I don't understand what is wrong, I already wrote a letter also stating that my parents are similar to your's and as ur parents talk to u they tal to me
    for 1 day he was good and now again started.
    don't understand how things will change or he will understand the truth , that my parents just contact me and not considered about any personal isssues
     
  6. lovelydoll

    lovelydoll Senior IL'ite

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    financially , I should say he is always with me, I dont even go out, so I did not need any, but i am now understanding that point , early days he opened a account for me , but never said to use that card or nor I got the thought of using it becoz he was beside me for grocery............. and said I will pay . so, finally he only decided to close the account and said whenever she earn's she will open one. don't know how far that was true becoz I am peparing for physio license and he is funding.
    often now a days saying I am wasting money.
    second point is true. he just puts all the memories and acts I came to know this recently
    he was remembering past 1 yr things and made a hell issue before all in India, he was not clear
    I maintain relation with in laws i call alternate days, but inlaw also makes issues, if my mother is calling she is not lifting the call it seems.
    I said to him that u are important and we 2 should lead the lives, we need to maintain relation, he does not talk anything
    he simply yells, say what ur mum is asking , why she is poking...........
    but no issue about her at all.
    simply he disconnects the phone on sat and sun , I feel very disappointed and feel like I am alone.
    he doesn't open up, after coming from office also he does not talk anything
    I ask him how was the office he simply nods and we have nothing to talk, I am getting mad
    he was telling if u are with ur side people , I dont want children and I am preparing my self to leave u.
    don't know where it ends
    having no one to share and i am tied up tightly . Plz suggest something so that his attitude changes and one thing he believes a lot in caste and with other people he is contaminated itseems.
    I totally disagree and I used to maintain a large circle of friends. plz help
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 19, 2010
  7. Vidya21

    Vidya21 Senior IL'ite

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    That sounds like a lot of emotional BS-ing. I am not sure if one can ever really change such attitudes. You can only change someone that processes information rationally, no amount of giving in to them is going to make them see reason. A close friend's ex and his parents did stuff exactly like this guy for about a year and half. And then before he realized what was going on, he found himself left alone.
     
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2010
  8. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Vidya you are right, such attitudes wont change drastically. Better to evaluate sooner and get out of the mess..good that your friend got to realise and get out soon enough.

     
  9. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    He is unplugging the phone on weekends and his intention is you dont have contact with your parents. That is gross injustice....

     
  10. lovelydoll

    lovelydoll Senior IL'ite

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    U are correct this on going............ and increased after returning from India.
    I find him to be insecure, taking financial thing but he is not in a bad position , well to do. I have to please him always for eating and ask what happend but no good reponse and in-laws play a wide role in this, just expecting that things will change but now a days I am loosing myself .he says, I am good alone,and weekends its like hell to me
    no phones, nor we go out and now a days I see only he purchases things and when my turn comes was saying my legs are aching, I should be optimistic in this i thought but I am loosing interest in every thing and see myself as a servant, cooking, cleaning and more over tells my mum cleans and dust and ur biceps are large becoz u dont work , but i am plumppy from before. small things never matter I know that in laws and parents env is different but this drastic is hell
    he eats and calls me ,to place the plate in my hands..........
    some times i feel bad. there is no girl in the family, so they dont know to behave i thought but behavior it self is a problem here.
    he says if I start working , i will change so I should be at home and look after the things he got........
    what is the problem? sometimes he analyses and tell yeah becoz of 3 person we are fighting and u should know i am important and u should always support me, as awife
    keeping the thing aside , i dont support any one and just say what i feel
    he makes a issue out of this
    recently my sis in laws are in US, but hubby warning u are not going to invite them , I am really ashamed before them , he doesn't even respond their call. but they are good people i have 10 yr relation with them , they give respect they used to call him separately also in india and we went for lunch in india. I feel guilty, we had a new land line and they got the num from in-laws and hubby was firing at me asking how did they get the num , i said from our in laws and again he enquired them saying whether they simply used in laws name , i am really getting mad
    unable to concentrate on anything and especially exams
    this is tensing becoz, he says becoz of my exam not doing anything and simply wasting money
    i never had intension to waste but I am totally hurt now a days
    if it is for the society why did he get me to US, he might have left me and I used to be with parents atleast
    here i am desserted.
    not even a neighbour, becoz he doesn't talk to any one,nor allows me to talk
     

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