1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. Liked anything that you read here? You may nominate it as the Finest Posts!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  5. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Advice please!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by catchjanani, May 5, 2010.

  1. catchjanani

    catchjanani New IL'ite

    Messages:
    34
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    6
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi,

    I was all happy in single world without any commitments or problems. I got engaged to a my fiance in Jan and going to get marriad this June. My parents are so happy cas of my marriage and even am. He is a nice guy, and he loves me so much. But my problem is he talks everything good only to me and never does anything in action. He is in a good position in US working for a corporate, but still he havent got me even a single gift from Jan. He never talks about tat tooo. Wen i see all my friends getting nice nice goodies for no reasons from their guys, i feel so low tat y havent he felt like sending me a small flower bouquet. But he often keeps telling me tat he sent a saree to his mom, new mob to sister thru online gifts. But not even a single rose for me. :( i feel so bad to tell this to others tooo, thinking thy might feel am so cheap and going back of gifts. But am not so.. i feel it as a sign of love from him to me... Doesnt i deserve to get even a small rose??? Wereas all other gals of my age gets previlage of getting lovely surprises from their guys.
    Can u all plz guide me reg this... Am i wrong in expecting such things b4 marriage?? Or is he still not in full love with me?:idea
     
    Loading...

  2. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    3,369
    Likes Received:
    357
    Trophy Points:
    183
    Gender:
    Female
    Catchjanani,

    Some guys are clueless sorry to say. And if he is like many typical Indian guys, he might not have prior exposure to romantic relationships, and what people do (and gift) when they are in one!

    How about you try sending him a small token gift to show your love. It might wake him up and get him to realize that love is a two way street! I bet once he receives something from you, he would understand that just as he liked getting a gift from you, you would probably now like one back from him! I think that would work.

    If it doesn't, next time you talk to him, you could say casually, "It's so romantic being engaged, I really love this time in our life waiting for the wedding. Even some of my friends are getting married soon so we are busy talking about our wedding plans. Like just the other day, I was talking to my friend who is also engaged, and everyday she is getting roses and candies from her fiance. Isn't that sweet???"
     
  3. kainaath

    kainaath Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    250
    Likes Received:
    6
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    hi..
    many congratulations on the wedding.

    i would really suggest, dont let such things bother you as material things are not of more importance than the relationship.
    Men are slow learners, you cant blame him. You can also initiate the move by sending him a gift, this would make him feel happy and he would also realise that this is what even he should be doing. Just have patience.

    And ofcourse follow the GOLDEN RULE, " NEVER COMPARE YOURSELF TO THIS MOTHER OR SISTER, JUST LIKE EACH INDIVIDUAL IS DIFFERENT, EVERY RELATION IS ALSO DIFFERENT ", as of now nothing will happen, but could develop in the future.
     
  4. SatiBalachander

    SatiBalachander New IL'ite

    Messages:
    35
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear OP,

    People are different, their way of expressing love/affection is very different too.

    As ASG mentioned in the above post try to send him something, if nothing else at least he will discuss the idea of gift exchange with you.

    On the lighter side, I have never got a single gift like rose or other normal gift stuff from my husband. He once mentioned to me he had bought gold for me. I :idea excitedly asked, " What did you buy Chain, earring or bracelet". He calmly replies," I have bought you gold shares " All I could say was "Men!":rant.

    They have a total different idea about gifts. If my idea of gift is roses, his idea would be to put money in 401K(retirement savings fund):hide::bonk. It was the same even before marriage.

    Regards
    Sati


     
    Last edited: May 5, 2010
  5. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    7,302
    Likes Received:
    954
    Trophy Points:
    270
    Gender:
    Female
    Seems like I am going to be the odd one out here:hide: but i have to say a man who can send gifts to his mom and sister but not to his would be wife:bonk

    Janani, as much as I agree that men need time to understand such things and etc..etc..but beleive me, such things wont change even after marriage. If you push them to do things, it would hurt your relationship. So now that you know how he is...dont expect anything if you can and if you want to get married to this man, as you said he is nice in all other aspects. (Yeah if things change down the line its well and good..but please..do not be in that blind hope and do not keep beating yourself up on this.)

    Expecting things from him or wanting to feel special in his life is not wrong at all...but I guess diff. people handle things differently and I also suggest you to start developing this habit of ignoring things. Would help you alot in the long run.
     
  6. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,937
    Likes Received:
    1,465
    Trophy Points:
    308
    Gender:
    Female
    I am with SriVidya.

    My husband never had habit of giving gifts after the marraige.But infact he did send some small gifts before marriage and right after engagement.

    I don't know he himself didn't have that thought? or
    Sometimes parents would advise not to entertain other person much before the marraige.Because they would worry sometimes things might go wrong.So here I am not sure what is happening.

    More then anything ,how do you the guy family.Did you check everything about the guy and there family?

    If the basic things are good then you can do here and there adjustments.

    Tell him that,I am in my dreams of getting some gifts from my would be husband,since I don't see any signs of it,I am planning to send myself gifts.
     
    Last edited: May 5, 2010
  7. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    4,555
    Likes Received:
    99
    Trophy Points:
    130
    Gender:
    Male
    :iagree



    Really, Thats all there is to it probably, catchjanani. He is clueless, and most Indian guys in A.M. dont have dating or romantic experience.

    You guys are in Arranged Marriage I presume, and just got engaged. Give it time.

    In fact, after all these years, only when some IL-ites :bonk me, I realize I need to be a bit more romantic :hide:

    Ask your future DH to join IL, and IL-ites will :bonksense into him, like they do with me.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 6, 2010
  8. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,240
    Likes Received:
    96
    Trophy Points:
    103
    Gender:
    Female
    If this is an arranged marriage, then he obviously won't be 'in love' with you. If you want gifts from him, then you should set the ball rolling by giving HIM a gift. Maybe he will get the hint then.

    And, please - you are not even married yet - so stop comparing what he is doing for his mother and sister versus what he is doing (or not doing) for you.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 6, 2010
  9. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,141
    Likes Received:
    3,087
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Janani

    Congratulations on your upcoming marriage :thumbsup It is disappointing to not receive little love things, but as you step into marriage, keep one thing in mind. Do not let what your husband gives/does for his family be a parameter to judge how much he loves/cares for you. Do not already start looking at your MIL/SIL as someone who is competing against your for your husband's affections. I am sure that's not what you are thinking, but you are already here, posting queries in the marriage/relationship forum. Reading others' experiences should not give you ideas about what your own married life will be like, because every experience here is unique and happening to people in their own circumstances.

    All the best and may your wedded life be filled with happiness :)
     
  10. 1dropLove

    1dropLove Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    373
    Likes Received:
    49
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Female
    Its v natural to expect some gifts when you enter a relationship but gifts dont necessarily tell how much that person loves you infact people who keep getting gifts from their beloved usually get disappointment at a later stage in their relationship,when the honeymoon phase is over.
    And some guys give gifts to their beloved even when they dont love her.Its strange...a friend of mine had a bf who was v much in love with her but couldnt go against his families wishes and under pressure said yes to a girl his parents had selected.He had tried his best to forget his gf and devote himself to this new girl his parents liked,he tried everything but couldnt feel anything for her and after about 4 months he broke off the engagement and got back with his love and now they're again standing up for themselves and fighting off family pressure.I remember my friend told me once how her bf used to give bful gifts to that girl and he even shared his dreams with her,treated her in a special way while she didnt value it much.He couldnt have feelings for her still he tried to make her feel special....so in short,gifts dont matter,its the feelings that matter.
     

Share This Page