Advice/help making decision

Rithu · Jul 9, 2014

Hi Ladies..

I am a financially independent, married woman. I have a 3 year old son. I have well settled parents. My husband is a good person,but he has lot of issues on his side to take care of. He spends financially and emotionally more on that and very less with us.

My husband has a sister who is a divorcee with 7 year old daughter. He has a widowed mother. All 3 ladies stay separately in another house near us, as I didn't encourage the idea of staying together when my SIL got divorced initially.(I thought, practically it wont be good in a long run)SIL is very dominating and rude woman. Her's was an arranged marriage, so she keeps blaming my husband and MIL for getting her married to a wrong person 9 years ago. My MIL always creates scene in front of my husband saying, never ever leave ur sister or her daughter unattended even a day, they need you more now, they just have you in their life, immediately my husband tears up.

Am not a cruel lady to forbid my husband from taking care of those ladies, but I too have son now.. he too needs his attention. When I tell my husband that he spends so much on them financially and emotionally, he accepts and nods. But within few mins my SIL gives him a call saying, her daughter wants to see him or she will have some reason to call him (Shower not working, need urgent grocery, how to clean keyboard etc). Even when we go out on small trip during weekends, he keeps calling them every few hrs n checks their well being.

I was brought up by my parents independently, I do all the chores of my family. But emotionally who supports me? Initially when my SIL got divorced, I never had bad feeling of my husband spending more time with them, as I know initial days are difficult. But its been more than 4 years, still the same and even more. When I lay on the bed,close my eyes and think I get to see myself n my son in a room and my husband, SIL, her daughter and MIL in another room. I couldn't accept this. Currently my SIL thinks she is the head of the family and her brother has to abide to all her decisions and eventually me n son too.

Nowadays I started getting these thoughts that, Why not I get separated from my husband? Let him do his duties completely staying with them, let me stay with my parents n take care of my son with their help. After all am already running my family without his much help. What do I get staying in this marriage bond, after-all questioning n arguing for all the decisions that is made in family, even-though his participation in it is nil. SIL is divorced and she is getting pampared like princess and nobody to boss her up, adding she has a girl. I too have loads of relatives and my parents who can help me when I am in need of it. Then why should I stay here with him?

Ladies, help me on this.. Am not able to accept it happily or move on.. If u think am talking insane, plz advice..

adismom · Jul 9, 2014

Hi Rithu,
I can understand your frustation..I know your SIL needs your brother as a strong support but she should also remember that he is a husband and dad as well and you are his primary responsibility. I'm sure he is in a place where he feels torn between all his responsibilities. Why not have an open discussion with your husband about not doing too much more than necessary for his sister since becoming overdependant on him is not good for your SIL as well? Its important that lines are drawn wherein family time spent with you and your kid are not compromised. But at the same time try to be patient with them as well as im sure your SIL might be feeling a little insecure having the responsibility of bringing up a child alone, and who else can she turn to if not her brother.

Rithu · Jul 9, 2014

Adismom,

Yeah I ones told my husband that lets all sit for a discussion and draw lines. He immediately started yelling at me saying, u r trying to separate us. If u have this discussion my mom n sis will start crying and they will go away from me vacating the house. They don have anybody except me n u should understand that.
I totally understand my husband is her brother whom she could reply on.. But when she made a decision in life of coming out of her marriage bond, she cannot rely solely on one person. I too have an elder sister and an elder brother. When I decide to break up, I just rely on my parents to bring up my child, but not my siblings.. They can help me, but I cannot make it as their duty to do this. This is what she doesn't understand.

yellowmango · Jul 9, 2014

Is your Sil employed?

If your husband not spending enough time with you both is the issue...will separating make any difference.

Does he know the extent of your frustration? Does he know you are having these thoughts?Talk to him.Tell him about your feelings and the thoughts you are having.

Rithu · Jul 9, 2014

Yeah she is employed..

Usual Indian scene in the family.. I have a son, whereas she has a daughter.. so, my MIL always says to my husband that she has a daughter so u have to spend on her and u have to save for SIL's daughter, else how can she get her married with single salary? Whereas we have a son, whom according to Indian society doesn't need money at all..

My husband knows that am not happy.. But he doesn't want to do anything.. I think he thinks, I will be like this for next few yrs n then start accepting this life.

yellowmango · Jul 10, 2014

Discuss what you are thinking before taking any steps.Give him a chance to finally give you both what you deserve.

As your sil is working ...you people don't need to be there for her all the time.She has your mil for help.
Your husband is her brother...she should not look for a husband substitute for her.She can't expect him to be at her beck and call all the time.There is absolutely no need for him to give your time to her.As for mil....she would probably be favoring the daughter and the grand daughter even if she was not divorced. Sil's daughter is her and her ex-husband's responsibility....specially financially.

Does the ex-husband provide maintenance or child support.

SGBV · Jul 10, 2014

It is indeed a very tricky situation. I can speak from my own experience here.

When I temporarily separated from my husband, and lived with my mother, both my siblings showered me with lots of love and affection. In fact, their love, assistance both physical and financial helped me to come out of my trouble.

Specially my sister was married, and my brother had his fiance. Both took extra care to my son, as if he was their elder son. Till date they are the same.
I must thank a lot to my BIL and SIL here. Because my mom, and siblings are my blood relatives. So naturally they would do their best of everything to make me comfortable. But these totally unrelated souls too stood by me. That's why I am here alive, sound and happy. Perhaps I reunited with my husband and leading a great life.

Till date I spend a lot of money, assistance (both physical and financial) to my siblings, and their spouses/kids to give thanks to them.

Having said that, a divorce is tough. Raising a daughter single handedly is tougher. So, obviously one would depend on their blood relatives to support them. That doesn't mean they would long for this support all the time.

Like wise, it is obvious from your husband's part to extend his help to his sister and niece. Specially to the little girl who does not have a father at her home now. So, he is replacing her father's love here. So nice of him.

If you are also supportive of their affection at this initial stage, I think they will be able to draw the line with time. But if you keep on nagging or feeling irritated with this, obviously they all will gang up against you and sideline you. That is not right.

Its been 4 years since they were separated, but I guess your husband may have the feeling as if he hasn't helped them enough. That's why he is wanting to do more. Let him for sometimes, and see how it goes.

I don't understand how come someone fail to be there for his family because he has to help his sister and her family a bit?
Is her at their place 24/7? Is he eat there? Is he sleep there?
Can't he take both your kid and niece to play? Can't he take your kid there or his niece here to your home, so that he can be with both the kids?

In our home, both my husband and I work out of the town. We go to work at 7 and come back home at 7 only. So in the meantime, even for a matter of buying his colour pencil, my son would call his mama (my bro), who lives close by. If my brother is not around, my SIL would come and do the work or tells my brother to help my son.
SIL is pregnant now.. If her child request the same, I would run even 1000 miles to do the work. If not for this, why we have blood relatives?

seekingbless · Jul 11, 2014

u already handling your family single handed when ur husband is being a pasive member in ur house but active member in ur mil's house. why need to divorce him now? let him be. no point getting divorce for not having enough attention frm ur dh.
im speaking from my own experience, only that my sil was not divorced but separated temporarily and was staying with us for few months.
she is like ur sil too, loud, arrogrant, bossy, dominating and rude. she does nothing at home but sleeps all days and fight with her dh on phone and break things at home. my elder one was 10 months baby then. talk about divorce was going on and i was really scared that she might stay permanently with us. i was so happy when she finally went back to her dh's house.
my dh and bil know their sister's (eldest) nature and didnt really pay attention to her. because the fight between their sis and her dh was due to her laziness and her dominating nature towards her dh and family.
but my mil was so devastated and wanted me and co-sis to be nice to her. we did.

u have made a good decision in getting ur mil and sil staying at different place. let ur dh do his duty as a son and brother but at same time tell him nicely that he has to support his own family too. try to invest ur money in something else and make ur dh to be more responsible financially and emotionally with u and son. why not try for another baby and hopefully it will be a girl?

Shina · Jul 12, 2014

Dont think of divorce i feel.he is helping his sister in her time of need which suggests he is a nice person, right now he thinks u r ok so he does not worry too much but i feel when u will have any problems ( hope never) he will be there for u as well.

Suggest to him how u would like him to be there for you without bringing up his sis into the conversation. Do not make a face or argue about him helping his sis and mom. Be supportive of that and get him on ur side and then gently tell him to look after you and ur child. Not like oh u do more for you sis and not for us nothing negative like that.negative speech will only make him go away from you thinking you do not understand him or support him . rather be positive about him and show him ways how u would like him to be there for you.