Adopting a child darker than the parents?????????

I am with Rakhii on it. My parents (esp my mom) are quite pale and so are my sisters. Two out of us five girls are not quite as pale (I mean my sister and I are still 'fair complexion' but not as fair as my other sisters). Now my palest sister's son is quite dark and once a neighbor asked my mom if he is our maid's son (talk about putting foot in mouth). I've seen many families where biological kids don't have same color complexion (darker, lighter whatever). This is really not a consideration for a happy family.
My BIL and his wife have adopted two kids (one Caucasian and other Asian and they've a biological child as well). the older kid (6 yr) knows he is adopted and they are working on the youngest one (she is two). They are very well adjusted kids.
In my opinion the best way is to be honest with the child. Tell him/her that s/he is adopted and you are blessed to have her in your life, that she is loved regardless of color, height whatever. For relatives and society, may be you send them an adoption announcement just like a birth announcement, they'd know that you are happily adopting a little one and next time won't try to guess who she looks like.
My son doesn't look even a tiny bit like me (may be his hair), he favors his dad and as pale as any Caucasian baby and I do get stares from people but who cares.

 

Well said Ansuya! and yes, in India ( at least in North) people adopt kids in family (a niece or nephew) and adoption from outside the family is still not openly accepted. We Indians think we're progressive when we show off big brand names but when it comes to humane things, we still need to work a lot. We always try to blame society for our own insecurities (I know it sounds bitter but that's how I feel).

 

While seeing the mail on adoption I remember an incident that happened in 1956 in our village home. I was 15 at that time. We had four or 5 cows in our home. A cow delivered a calf. Unfortunately the calf passed away due to some infection unrecognized.I cannot express the feelings of the bereaved mother, ever crying aloud with brimming tears in her eyes. She did neither drink water nor eat the fodder.
When we were ina dilemma, news reached us that in the same village a cow had expired after giving birth to a calf due to delivery complications.
The owners were ready to hand over the new born to us. But the mother cow would never suckle any other calf not born out of her.
Here came the adoption technique. An experienced cattle owner came home. We made a nice paste of betel leaves ( vetrilai), omam ( Bhishop's weedscheerakam,vasambu, brinjal in a clean grinding stone( Mixie was not invented then)
The expert took out some fluid from the vagina of the cow. It was easy to take out since the vaginal muscles had not contracted much after the delivery. The fluid was mixed with the materials and some warm water and the paste was liberally smeared on the body of the motherless calf which was kept in a distant place.
Slowly the calf was brought near our cow.
The cow eagerly but slowly started licking the calf top to bottom.Because of the vaginal fluid the cow felt that it was the calf that she delivered.First she had some suspicion. She licked the entire body of the calf, got fully satisfied that it was her child.With tears in her eyes and milk flowing through her heavy udders, she started suckling the child with a lot of gasping.

People who had earlier chided us for attempting to deceive a dumb creature ,were amazed at this mata-shishu sangamam and accepted the procedure whole heartedly. The procedure took place while 25 to 30 villagers were eagerly witnessing.A motherless child was blessed with the mother. The bereaved mother got her baby back.
I want to tell the sister that complexion is no problem at all. Even biological children born to fair complexioned parents are sometimes very dark thro genetic factors. If the child is healthy enough and free from risky illnesses like HIV, then it is better to proceed ahead with the formalities which are somewhat strict these days.
Once you decide to adopt, complexion is no issue at all.People will talk about it for a month or two. In due course they have their own activities and gossips.No gossip will stand for more than 3 months. Only our suspicion lasts long.
Wish you all the best.
Jayasala42

 

It is nice to see so many broad minded young women actively taking part in this discussion. My close relative has adopted a kid and are still undecided whether to disclose it to her or not. They too know very well that instead of knowing it from some one else they may reveal it themselves when she is old enough to understand things. We are careful enough not to talk about it front of her though she is only 3 now and may not understand our discussions.A colleague of mine adopted a boy 14 yrs back. Till now she has not revealed it to him. When I asked if her neighbours would talk about it, she replied they don't interact much with neighbours. I don't know if it is correct. Whatever it may be the parents should be prepared to handle the situation when the time is ripe. I remember the movie Kannathil muthamittal where a similar situation is faced by the hero.

 

I'm not sure that the issue here is whether the child will find out from others. The issue here is whether it is ethical, appropriate, and compassionate to lie to a child about the circumstances of his/her birth. My answer would be no. Even if there was NO chance the child would find out from others, I would still think the correct and fair thing to do is for the parents to disclose the truth at an appropriate time, in the appropriate way.

There are plenty of resources available for parents who need help doing this, like this site:

How to Tell Your Child She's Adopted - Parenting.com

There is much to be gained from telling the truth, and much to be lost by lying. And this is what it is, really - a lie. It is too big and too significant a lie to claim, "I'm doing it for my child's own good". Instead, I'm guessing parents who choose this are just making a decision that doesn't put them in a difficult position. And really, this is what parenting is, or should be, all about - constantly "taking bullets" for our children, and putting ourselves in difficult positions, for the sake of their health and happiness.

 

It is true that the cat will be out of the bag. In India most of the adoption agencies and psychiatrists advise to keep the child prepared for the information by telling stories of Sita, Andal, Karna and others.The children would hear the stories with enthusiasm, but when it comes to reality, they resent.
Some children say" if I have been left in the orphanage, I would not have had so much care & education. Everything depends on the child.
My cousin has adopted a girl from Mumbai. When the child was 8, the father revealed the information. The girl seemed to accept and she didn't reveal her mind. After the girl attained puberty at 11, the girl is very much restless.Now she is 15 and at class x. Does not concentrate on studies, speaks harsh, closes the door often and goes on sending SMs and deletes them off. They have removed the inside bolt in all the rooms. A psychiatrist has been consulted. Invariably psychiatrists prescribe drugs for calmness , which induces a sense of lethargy.These drugs mostly result in harmone imbalance in girl children stopping the menstruation cycle for two or three years.This stoppage results in nausea & vomitting which is feared by children as 'pregnancy' as they are not aware of marital relations. Actually parents know better about the child than the psychiatrists and the problem can be kept under control with affection and kindness.
Now they feel that they should not have conveyed the news.
A friend of mine never informed the news until the girl completed a professional degree. When they were seeking alliance, they revealed.But the revelation did n't have much impact. The girl simply said" you should have told me earlier. I would not have taken it seriously. All along you have brought me up. I can't consider anyone else as my appa & Amma.
We have to analyse the mental make up by telling about some other adoption and after knowing the reaction we may reveal.
It is a matter of tension to parents. with a view not to cause distress in the child, parents silently suffer.
In modern days adoption has become common. So adoptee parents need not imagine the worst.
Jayasala42

 

Agree with shakambari

takes a lot of strength and bold decision on the part of the parents in india.........

 

dear all,

Just wanted to add on my experience here. my dh's chitti (mil's youngest sister) cudnt not conceived and they adopted a baby gal 14 years ago. the gal's biological parents was Chinese and indian. so she was very fair (not indian far but Chinese fair). both my dh's chitti and chittapa are fair but not matching to the gal.
During all family gatherings and functions people kept asking and pointed out her complexion. after 6 yrs from the first adoption, the couple adopted another baby gal. and she was typical indian colour bit dark. again the people commented nasty like " oh the first gal u 'took' is fair, but this gal is dark.
the first gal got suspicion and asked her father's relations and she found out that she was adopted when she was 12 yrs old. the younger gal was 6 yrs one then.
one day she insisted her father to bring her to her mother's hometown to search for her mother. both the gal and the father went alone to look for the gal's biological parents, but not able to find them as they had moved out.

 

Hi ladies,

I am a 32 year old single woman living in the U.S.
I want to adopt a child from India. I really appreciate all your guidance and encouragement on this regard.

I know it is very hard to be a single mother. But I really want to do this.

Thanks,
Dahlia