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Add meaning to your life means having a kid???

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by happylife25, Mar 19, 2012.

  1. happylife25

    happylife25 Senior IL'ite

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    I always have this thought running in my mind, sick and tired seeing how my life is going on... Its been 2 yrs since i m married to my husband, since the beginning we had a tough relationship, his egoistic nature(feels women are not meant for advising, doesnot let me open my mouth when we have ppl around), miser(selfish to buy things for me), short tempered (he s angry with some else shows it on me, doesnot talk) , introvert (doesnot let my frnds or relatives to be close to him.), finally lazy (doesnot take me on a vacation, spend quality tme wid me). i know all these adjectives seem emotionally draining , yet one good thing is he never abused me physically , verbally , when he s in a real good mood , he good to me , helps me in household, helps me in job related problems(learning new technologies).
    Some of these few positive qualities driving me to be patient in leading life with him, but i m a human too i know i cant live like this for long. I want my life to be meaningfull its cannot be a compromise for long.. Can i have kids?? I feel if i have a kid i will have some happpiness in my life, someone to think abt. But sometimes i feel for my happiness why should i have a kid and trouble the baby. I cannot predict how my husband is going to be with my kid, i m not sure if my kid can grow with happiness around. Any kid will strive for both parents love and affection, if either one is not there the kid will have a bad life.. Plz suggest what should i do??
     
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2012
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  2. mansimahi

    mansimahi Gold IL'ite

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    It is often thought that a child will bring stability in marriage and bring couples closer.... Nothing can be further from truth to many couples because children do not ensure or guarantee stability, happiness...ofcourse they bring in moments of incredible joy and indescribable happiness... but they are not solution to our problems. Having a child doesnt give meaning to ones life...it gives a different perception to life and a lifetime responsibility for both parents.

    Wrt your situation ...have you discussed with your husband about wanting a baby? You have already mentioned that you cannot live like this for long....is it fair to bring a child to this world when you are unsure of the relationship yourself? I would suggest that you focus on strenghthening your relationship with your dh... ignore the negatives...build on the positives and let nature take its course.
     
  3. Mahajanpragati

    Mahajanpragati Platinum IL'ite

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    hi happy,
    having or not having a kid is a joint decision which both partners should take..........
    from your post i don't think your husband is different from other males.......many are miser ,lazy etc
    and i think if he helps you with household work & for your professional development i think he is spnding quality time with u.........what else do u want....
    not many couple go for vacations in initial year of marriage as many are working hard at career advancement & whatever holidays they get ,they want to visit their families.........

    you are wise enough to realise that he has many positive qualities...........so focus on them & ignore the ons you don't like........(note i said u- don't like because many would appreciate these very qualities of being introvert (who likes a chatterbox hubby) ,miser( will be having a secured future), not interacting with ur family & friends(best to keep distance with them & make ur own new circle) ,lazy( better to spend time at home with wife then at bar drinking with friends or dancing with strangers at discos..........)
    pragati
     
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  4. freddycat

    freddycat Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Happylife;

    Sounds like, your DH is old-fashioned guy. One thing for sure, you can't depend on him for your entertainment.

    Hey, if your DH helps you with house work, it is a blessing. How many DH has patient to teach their wife or their spouse to listen? We are in the same software profession. Thank God, we are not in the same company! When ever, my DH talks about techie stuff, my eyes go glazed and 5-minutes later, he would say, you didn't follow a single word, I said, did you? It doesn't work for everyone. It is a good thing, you two have a common interest to talk/discuss about the 'techie' stuff.

    Try to find some hubbies, interests, you like. Take some local park district classes (those are cheaper to try). For example, jewellery making, oil painting, yoga, meditation, etc. Do exercise regularly. I have a local Indian grooming place, I use for hair cut/colouring, etc. I always, look forward to go there to spend an afternoon with my friends, once a month. Find friends with common interest and spend on outings/meetings regularly. Listen to good music, keep up with latest trend. Find your interests in books (any subjects u like to learn). I like to read about psychology, watch/read about all kinds of UFO/alien sightings, history of human evaluation, spiritual learning etc. Not that I believe in UFO, but trying to spot one. Wouldn't it be fun? It is hilarious to read/listen to people talk, indeed aliens visited earth, in the past. Particularly, I love TLC show, 'ancient aliens' (whole collection stored on my DVR).

    Another area to focus on is, self development, like networking or speaking skills (social or tech talk). I like to watch news anchors for their style, talk shows for their spontaneous response, for their enthusiasm, how to talk/discuss without hurting others feeling, even if it is non-sense talk - how to be a good entertainer etc. There are so many things in life, you can learn at any age, one life time is not sufficient to improve ourself.

    In general, you cannot depend on others to make you happy such as your DH, parents, or friends. Think of happiness, as a learned discipline.

    I think, you are just bored, that's all.
     
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2012
  5. polymorphic

    polymorphic Platinum IL'ite

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    Are you expecting a change to come over your husband because of the kid? Thats a big gamble to take. I feel you are not ready to have a kid. Reason - you want to enjoy life, travel,etc. Having a kid can put a considerable stop to it for few yrs. Are YOU ready for it? Having a kid when you know of its consequences can help you enjoy motherhood.
     
  6. freddycat

    freddycat Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Happy life,

    I had a chance to read your recent other post. Hmmm, I understand
    your dilemma, and what you are going through.

    Keep yourself busy, develop some hobbies and interests. First, you have
    to be happy/satisfied with your life. I agree with other responses, having
    a kid is lot of responsibility and plenty of scarifies as a mom.

    Probably, I am old enough to be your mom.

    I used to be busy with my son, now an empty nester. I used to run around
    with my son for his sports, school activities, and preparing him for college, etc.
    Suddenly, I have so much free time in life. I do work full time, but still
    plenty of time....at one point, I thought of going back to India.

    How much time, I can spend with friends and my DH? When I started
    doing things that makes me happy and felt like, wow, I put my life on
    hold for at least 2-decades.

    My best wishes to you.
     
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2012

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