Adamant daughter

We have no right to judge the parents or the girl. So your suggestion to change the subject title is not correct.

 

Re: Adamant daughters - please read this - adamant moms please understand daughters

Nalina Mam,

The Very first time i read this post i felt that you are in the same situaton my parents were a few years back.

Seeing the replies of this post - i feel that you have taken the same wrong step my parents did.

I loved my guy so dearly. We both loved each other and could not think of a single speck coming in between us.Having been friends from college and a couple of years after finishing graduation all this had started.

It was a very deep friendly affection which we did not want to loose all life long and we were very much sure that we would be the same all through the life.

With our parents forcing us our love grew stronger( though we stayed in places far away) and at one point realising that our minds cannot be changed our parents decided to get us married.

Right from the beginning, the customs were avoided - my DH said that he doesn't want any thing to ruin our happiness of the marriage. But he had(s) still in mind all that had happend between him and my parents that had hurt him and it all back fired on my parents during the marriage.

The first time my parents saw my DH's family was the daay previous to te marriage. My parents had completed making all araangements invited people trusting my words and accepting some one whose family they have noi idea of.

Following that there were limited but enough of interactions between the families. My DH was all fine till the wedding plans started and after that started realising the caste differences and it was a big task for him to adjust to this new situation having been brought up in a brahmin family.

Post marriage we were quite happy but then as usual like all MILs mine to preached n found faults with my mom and kept preaching my DH behind my back. At times because of all the protests and firing i had from my parents i believed that my mom would have really done them.:-(

Later on realised that my mil is trying to grill the grudge against my parents. Now due to the ever cooked up prejudices and built up opinions against my parents my DH once called up my parents and bashed them badly over the phone and cut off their contacts from my present family ( my husbands house ).I am allowed to visit my parents but my parents are forbidden to visit me neither are any of my relatives!.

I do live a happy life with my husband , we care for each other we respect each others views and we make each and every decison in life together be it buying a needle.But we stay away from each others relatives!I dont think this makes either of us happy.We can only say that we have married the ones whom we fell in love with. If we look at our life outside our family, both of us live a totally senseless life!

If my parents had given me enough time i would have not fallen in to such a situation.I don't say that its all because of my parents. If i had got enough time or more reasonable behaviour from my parents i would have had a better life - either myDH would not have had a negative prejudice against my parents or atleast we both would have realised the differences between our back ground and who knows might have backed off.

Now after 3 years of marriage and with a baby 2 yr old i should not be talking all this as it really might not sound nothing more than rot.But I wanted to let ther readers know as what might happen out of a blindfolded decision.

One question really makes me furious nalina - "is this the way you show gratitude to your parents?" and this is the line that provoked me to reply

Ridiculous! how can u ask that?! You brought up the offsprings with all your love- agreed! you wanted to give then education , you did that, you wanted your kids to excel in exta curriculars- gave all your support and encouragement for your kids to do that and now that they have grown up you want to set up a life for them so that they have their own family and be happy - right? If this is really true, what is the reason that you want your daughter/ son to show gratitude?Are they some 3rd person that you want them to show gratitude to you?


Each and every word of yours is the same as my mom's. This shows your attitude towards the children and this is the same attitude that has un knowingly changed your daughter to lose her heart to someone.thus dirving daughters like me to commit incorrigible errors in life.It would be really painful for your daughter as much as it is for you. But acting emotionally and forcing her would hurt her innermost feelings ( as i had undergone that) and lead them to a state of utmost mental tension and confusion that they opt for wrong or not good decisons in life.

I am not asking you to be a sage. But give your daughter the space.Also keep your mind open and give a thought about that guy.

Many of the posts have been bluntly against you. Mine was also one which was quite rude. But I can understand both the sides now asI have seen my parents suffer and under go the suffering myself and atlast i dont think it has brought any fruit in to anyone of our lives.

Give your daughter time to decide. Do not talk about the marriage for some time. TRash the astrology report.I personally have undergone that and found that it doesnt make any sense.22 is too early an age to think of marriage. She needs to grow up mentally and intellectually to think about the good and bad in life. you starting to force her or like trying indirectly to change her mind would stop her mental maturity coming in to the play.

Also you have to be prepared for the worst( in ur terms she holding on to her guy) Protesting against it is different from doing any thing that would create a disgust in the boy's heart for you which would then l,ater affect your dear daughters life if she ends up marrying the person she has chosen.

Its such a hard emotional situation that you all need mental strength and clarity.My Prayers for your family! Take Care.

Ps: I did not mean to hurt you or any one by this post. I just wanted to convey my opinion on this.

 

Lady,

Please get a handle on yourself and stop this drama. Your daughter has a boyfriend... but you are acting like she has come down with cancer or been kidnapped by Taliban. If you aren't sleeping properly or putting fork to mouth, then that's YOUR problem, not your daughters. You are blowing this situation way out of proportion. I think these drama tactics are your way of further trying to gain control over her. I think though, it will further annoy her and push her away from you. Starting from today, why don't you stop the nonsense, relax, and take life as it comes instead of trying to plot your life like a movie script. None of us can control every twist and turn in life. We all have challenges. Just be thankful your challenge is learning to accept this boy, instead of learning to accept the death of your daughter, or some similar TRAGEDY like that. Because reality is, many parents face worse than you are facing, and they handle it a heck of a lot better than you. Try to put things into perspective and you'll see what I mean.

And she probably wouldn't have said "then get me married to this guy" had YOU not brought up the marriage talk. Just because somebody feels they are 'in love' doesn't mean they want to get married the next day. Probably she is just enjoying the relationship and seeing where it goes. But it doesn't mean they're talking marriage yet. If anything, YOU have planted the idea of marriage in their minds. Classic example of the best laid plans backfiring.

What's more, you let your own desires for a marriage to a boy of YOUR choice, outweigh what's BEST for your daughter. And what's best for her, is to not get married right now. Did it ever occur to you to encourage her to finish her studies first and THEN tell her to bring the boy home to meet him? At least that way she will finish her education AND it will give her time to think on the relationship AND it will give you time to accept the possibility of him being your son in law. Or encourage her to at least complete 1-2 years of work before thinking of marriage. Tell her if she accomplishes those things and establishes herself as a responsible adult, you will then consider her choice of guy. But please, don't force her into marriage out of spite. Put her wellbeing ahead of your own. That's what parents are supposed to do.

From your most recent post, you seem to have the attitude that since you are the parents, she is indebted to follow your choices for life. That just isn't so! Just because you are a parent, doesn't mean your thinking will be right 100% of the time. The minute you stop looking at this as a battle, and more like a natural progression in life (fill with natural ups and downs), you will feel a little relieved. Also, I feel you need to relinquish your ego and sense of entitlement. I'm not saying that to be mean, I'm saying it because I genuinely think it will make you feel better and help you get your life back on track. Whether you chose to try it is up to you. You are free to continue this starvation tactic of yours, and I'm free to turn off my laptop now and go eat a nice blueberry bagel. Life doesn't have to be painful.

 

Man oh man. I would write something snarky back to that, but I don't want to make Preethi work overtime moderating my comments. So I will tell you straight...

Lady, you are just pompous beyond belief. Money comes and go. Anybody with or without education can make millions. Anybody with or without education can lose everything. In my country, there are executives now working at McDonalds because of the economy. So should their spouses dump them since they have not kept up to the status quo? :bonk

When I met my husband.... he was a waitor in a restaurant after his divorce to an ARRANGED marriage wife. Then when we were together, he worked in a motel.... managing it, but also cleaning toilets, changing dirty bed sheets, and picking up trash in the parking lot. We were so poor, we lived in an old motel room and for entertainment hung out at the beach or sat in our room watching tv. We struggled A LOT and all my family denegrated him for his occupation.

But I saw the ABILITY and DREAMS in him. Today, he is at a great company and up for promotion. If he gets it like we hope, he'll be making nearly 6 figure salary, with free car and laptop and yearly travel to Las Vegas. I guess now he would meet YOUR status quo right? But probably couple of years ago, you would have 'felt bad for me' marrying such a loser. Right?

Life is a project in motion. Doctor today could mean street sweeper tomorrow. You never know. That's why it's important to look for the drive and endurance within a persons soul, to know whether they will 'make it' in life or not.

p.s. My hubby holds an MBA from a top university in India, and he would have been HAPPY to sell pan parak in the early days of our relationship. The job you work doesn't define WHO YOU ARE.

 

No problem. As you wish. If you only wanted replies from very old people like yourself, you should have specified SENIOR CITIZENS ONLY. Or, PARENTS ONLY. Probably would have stopped us foolish youngins from replying to your mature post.

 

Dear nalinamani

When you post a query in a public forum, people are bound to give their replies on what they think is correct. Just because you do not agree with them, you should not ask them to back off. And I dont believe, just by being elder gives you the maturity to handle things. All the ladies here are trying to give you your daughter's perspective because you seem to be thinking only about your side of the arguement.

I dont understand by emotionally blackmailing your daughter what are you trying to achieve.Are you saying she should sacrifice her life and love for expressing gratitude to you for raising her. When you bring in a child into the world , it is your DUTY to take care of them. Are we raising robots here who will listen to all the commands of the master and not have any freedom of its own.

By forcing your daughter , you are only pushing her more towards this guy that she loves. If you just stop talking to her about marriage and give her some time to get settled , she might just move on. All of us here are only asking you to be more practical and be sensitive to your daughter's feelings.

If you think she is too young to take decisions on her life by herself, then she is too young for marriage as well.

 

DEAR NALIMA YOU MUST BE VERY WORRIED ABOUT YOUR CHILD TO WRITE ASK OTHER FOR VIEWS, IT IS A GOOD SIGN THAT YOU WANT MORE OPINIONS WHEN YOU ARE CONFUSED AND DONT KNOW WHETHER WE ARE DOING RIGHT OR WRONG OR HOW TO HANDLE THIS SITUATIONS, THIS HAPPENS IN NEARLY HOUSEHOLDS NOWADAYS --------------EACH HANDLE IT THE WAY THEY FIND FIT FOR THEIR CHILDREN.

WE INDIANS LOOKOUT FOR MARRIAGEABLE GROOMS FOR DAUGHTER CHECKING CASTE, CHARACTER AND FINANCIAL MATTERS.---------IF GIRL CHOOSE A GOOD AND SENSIBLE GROOM WE ACCEPT, IF NOT WE TRY TO CHANGE THEIR MINDS BY EXP LAING, EMOTIONALLY AND PRACTICALLY AFTER THAT IT IS THE GIRLS CHOICE.

IN MY OPINION YOUR DAUGHTER BEING A LEO [SUN OR MOON] I DONT KNOW BUT IF IS MOON SHE IS GOING THROUGH A VERY BAD PHASE 71/2 ANTHER 2 YEARS LEFT I THINK THAT SHE WHY SHE IS NOT STUDYING FURTHER HER MIND WILL BE VERY CONFUSED, HER MIND WILL BE IN A TURMOIL AND SHE CANNOT THINK PROPERLY, SHE NEED LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING MORE NOW, DONT TAKE ANY MAJOR DECISIONS OF LIVE NOW, IT IS TIME TO MAKE HER FINANCIALLY------------ INDEPENDENT,BECAUSE SHE WONT BE A HAPPY HOUSEWIFE SHE WILL BE THE DOMINATING ONE WHICH MALE WILL NOT PREFER AFTER SOMETIME,------------SHE WILL BE LOVING---------NOT DEVOTED, SO MAKE HER FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT IT WILL HER IN FUTURE, TRY YOU BEST IN THIS ANY COURSE ANYTHING SHE LIKE------------NOT THE ONE WITH THAT BOY,AWAY IN A HOSTEL OR SOMETHING.

HAVING RAGHU IN LAGNA ALSO IS A DEFECT SO MATCHING HOROSCOPE IS A BETTER SOLUTION, AND HAVING A BETTER CHANCE OF SUCCESS IN MARRIAGE AND HAVING A DEFECT FREE CHILDMORE LATER ON:spin