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Adamant daughter

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by nalinamani, Feb 10, 2010.

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  1. nalinamani

    nalinamani New IL'ite

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    Dear Ladies,

    Please help. Being parents, we are heart broken.

    We have a daughter. she is 22 yrs, the astrologers say that the gurupalan has come and on top in her jadhagam she has raghu in the lagnam + other..., so it will be good if she gets married before this gurupalan ends otherwise her married/family life will be miserable. As we found that slowly she started liking a boy from the other caste and who is a model (he looks awful), we have started looking for grooms, very nice looking grooms (as our daughter is really beautiful), well-earned and settled. we found two and introduce them to our daughter. she spoke to them in a nice way. Both the parents and the boys are so pleased. immediately they said ok. To our shock, our daughter said, the first one is "weird" and the second one "she doesn't like him" for no reason. as we live abroad, it is not easy to find grooms, match the horos etc,etc. we explained all to our daughter and searched thoroughly about the boy's family... we are very convinced.... But our daughter is extremely adamant and she says that she is not interested. we do not know what to do. We are just stagnated and unfortunately we do not have any one to share this and ask for advise. can you please help?
     
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  2. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    Your daughter is just 22 years old. Why are you forcing her to get married. You say she is in love with somebody else. Either convince her it is not a good match or trying to work things out. Forcing her into marriage is not a solution. You can't just jump from one relationship to another.

    Kavya.
     
  3. lathaviswa

    lathaviswa IL Hall of Fame

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    Talk with her about the life between love & arranged marriage.She is matured.She can understand.Leave it to her own.
     
  4. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    dear nalinamani
    this is my own expierence
    i look good but my dh does not my dad has a problem with it
    and he was not ready for marriage saying their status does not match us and he is not good looking etc
    but i somehow convinced him and got married and i am really happy with my dh
    looks may be deceptive i am of your duaghters age so i am not giving a suggestion to you but just my opinion
    if the boy your daughter loves is good(in character) please go ahead what if the macth you get has a handsome looking gentlemen who cant take care of your daughter??
    please dont go by looks or caste
     
  5. deva280579

    deva280579 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Nalinamani,

    First of all i am sorry for the mental pressure u r facing now, soon u will be releived, my question to you is, r u and ur DH are against love marriage?? if not then try to speak to your daughter in such a way and see that boy and if he is suitable then put a condition to your daughter that if horoscope match atleast to some level then only i will allow for marriage etc.. and make them agree to this and also try convincing that boy to this first.

    It all depends on how you communicate with your Daughter, when you feel that she is adament then convince your daughter in a sweet way. i dont know whether this will suit you or not, anyway its my sugg'on.

    Reg's
    Devanathan.L
     
  6. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Nalina,

    It seems you live in abroad. Your daughter is just 22 years old, and she is in love with a guy of her choice. At this stage, if you force her to marry someone of your choice, her entire life will get missarable as predicted in her horoscope.

    Please take your time to analyse your daughter first. How is she?
    - Is she too emotional and ruled by heart?
    - Or too practical and ruled by brain?
    - Is she into the modern fantacies and having boy friends like use and throw type?
    - How about her love affair? Is she blindly in love with him or just a companianship?
    - What was her reaction when you folks discussed about her affair and potential grooms?

    Please analyse all...

    Do you think handsome look and colour salary would melt your daughters mind, hence she will marry whomsoever you select for by forgetting her love affair?????

    It is upto you to believe the horoscope or not... but please do not make your daughter's life missarable by blindly focussing on horoscopes and starts by ignoring her feelings and other factors.

    Please have a look of this forum.... There are many love marriages of different caste/different religions, but still the love exists in the marriage.. So it is not a crime or sin.

    At the same time, there are many ladies out here, living a loveless, pointless marriage just because of their parents' selection of grooms. So, horoscope match alone does not make a good marriage.

    I am of your daughters age, hence I can't give you more advises... But I am a married girl, so it is just my 2 cents
     
  7. narasmanasi

    narasmanasi New IL'ite

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    Hi

    I would completely agree with Tugga - why dont you meet and get to know the guy and see if he is otherwise suitable ?

    Also , your daughter is just 22 - if you feel she is rushing into this marriage maybe you can tell her to wait / work . study for a couple of years and then if she is serious about this she can go ahead .

    Being married myself and married to a man outside my community , I can say that neither the horoscope nor looks can be the deciding factor ..

    sorry if I have given some misplaced advice but I really do feel its the guy who counts and you need to help your daughter make a mature decision which is based on reality
     
  8. nalinamani

    nalinamani New IL'ite

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    Dear all,

    many thanks for your advice. For sure, we are not against love marriage. the boy is from Andhra, non-vegetarian, working as a manager in a shop in chennai, left the family, no idea about siblings and family and on top of it he is a model. Except that he speaks English, I really don't see any good qualities. how can I get my daughter married to someone who has no family background or financially stable? Of course, I don't believe 100% in horoscopes but definitely to a certain level. When you show your daughter's horoscope to a astrologer, if he says that “if your daughter choose someone to get married, that marriage life will not last longer”… as parents how will you take and react? We were very open and discussed the +ive and -ive aspects to her. she listens and finally she says "if I have to get married in an year's of time according to gurupalan, then get me married to this guy"... Just donno what to do and how to react... We took her to all temples, as she is very god-fearing, did all pariharas and we are just bending to God to change her mind for her good life. I and my husband are in terrible shape to face this as we had so much hope and confidence on her. We have no one to talk, no friends and no relatives.. what to do except crying all the time...I was very strong in saying that my daughter has to finish her studies and she need to get a good job and once she is financially stable, then only we have to to think about her marriage. But the whole thinking of mine went upside down because of her sudden change in nature.... how can I deal with this? who will help us?? GOD please help...
     
  9. amihere

    amihere Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Nalinamani, please don’t be sad and get tensed. I know these words won’t have any effect with the condition you are going through now. If she is so adamant about getting married to guy if you ask her to start a family life within a year I think it is best to give her some time. She is just 22 and might not have how much she would have to suffer IF the marriage fails. When in love everything is rosy especially at a young stage like this. She might be thinking you are telling her the cons because you are against it. So if you don’t insist on getting married by this year may be with time she will understand whether the guy is suitable for her or not. The more adamant you get to get her married, the more adamant she will be to marry this guy. I too am not against love marriages, but with the background of the guy I agree with you that this might not be a good relation to pursue. My opinion is to give her time.
     
  10. ennaye

    ennaye Silver IL'ite

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    Nalinamani,

    You have received some very good replies and advice from others.

    I can well understand your predicament. Lavii has said that you should not go by looks, which I feel is right but you do have to see whether other things are also ok.

    Girls can be very emotional and sometimes do not know what is good for them in life. While looks can be ignored, it is important to check the family background of the boy. His qualifications and status are also important, alongwith his character. If all these are satisfactory, then you can overlook the looks.

    Hope your problems are sorted out.
     
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