Accepting Kids As Who They Are

He is 9 years old!!! Being a kid and enjoying kid things, is perfectly fine. Even you know that he is smart and active otherwise, but a part of you is still disappointed that he doesn't reach his potential at this age, and it worries you. But considering the way you have written about this, you are not so worried about his future, but rather how others will view you as a parent with just an average son. It's time to reframe YOUR thinking and the way YOU parent.

I'm starting with this incident below.

It pains a lot when he comes home and say that he has been not selected for this or that competition. That too after I have put a lot of effort (sometimes taking leave, and spending the whole day coaching him) for the same.
Whereas my DD gets them easily, and that too without my helps. Hence I am worried about my son.

"After I have put a lot of effort" - Basically, your son's performance feels like a reflection of you. This is NOT about you. Please stop this type of thinking. As a parent, you helped him, but you are not here to live through your child. He is not an extension of you. You are guiding him and supporting him - that is what a parent does. And you also say that it pains YOU. How does your son feel about not being selected? Does he handle the disappointment well, and decide to work harder next time? or does he get depressed? Or does he not care at all?

Just that, I lose myself to the social pressure, and I invest a lot more and more on his studies to somehow make my dreams about him being topper in school come true.

This is another sentence that should remind you. It is your dreams, that you are not being able to fulfill through him. I don't know why you keep inserting yourself - because that is what is making you miserable. Understanding his dreams and motivating him to achieve them, would be a better way to handle it. You never know, he might decide that he wants to be a class topper, and work on that goal. But he is still young boy. Stop forcing him to achieve something, that will be meaningless in the end. Create a dialogue with your son, find out his interests, his strength and his weaknesses. After identifying them, create and encourage opportunities where he can develop on these skills. Some kids don't like being in the center of attention. In the real world, its necessary to be confident for public speaking. Encourage him to MC or participate in a talent show. These are small steps, but they will give him motivation and confidence to reach bigger goals.

 

It is early... But I understand.... @SGBV. I have boys 4 and 7 and I immensely worry about them too.
Elder one is sharp.. but so distracted and gets upset quickly, if he cannot grasp something.
Younger one is slower to get interested in something... but if he wants to do something... doesn't give up easily. I say this, because, even though they are so young... I am already trying to analyze their personalities and trying to think what profession would be more suitable and where they can succeed better .

I try very hard to never tell any of this to them.. and just encourage them... so they do not get biased by my opinions! we are moms, and ultimately, we want them to be successful, and prepare them to reach this success.

But ultimately, even before success... I want them to be happy.
(So whatever they achieve as an adult, if they are happy, I hope I can be happy for them)

There is something I have noticed in many ppl who did not grow up in highly competitive asian countries... they enjoy what they do... many of them are willing to take many risks and follow their passion. So, me and DH spend lots of time, trying to give them new experiences, make them meet lots of successful ppl, force them to watch ted talks in science and technology, with the hope that this will stick with them. make them curious, and make them want to excel, not to be first... but because they are curious about it. My 4 year old goes every month to the local science talk with astronauts and scientists, and know many of them by name. If even after such very obvious encouragements they choose a different path for career, it is probably best for them.

 

Nothing wrong in wanting your kids to excel. Equip them with that they need and hope for the best !

 

well, after reading through the answers, i have a different perspective.
i have two daughters, same age group as your kids & until last year i was pretty chilled out as to their studies.....they are young, they will study when they want too etc etc...now i too have been god at studies at school, college & now in office & yes, getting good marks, clearing competition, landing a good job has shifted my life from middle to upper middle class as one commentator put in aptly.
moreover, due to various circumstances in my life in recent past i was even more inclined to not push the kids to study: i myself was facing burn out & sort of felt why shud i push them to study , if they dont want to, they dont hav too.
after countless PTM , teachers telling me that the kid needs to up her game , i woke up to the reality of my kids lagging behind in the class. This was until last school session & i began to realise that since they were not performing well at school, they were not being encouraged by their teachers & had begun to lose interest in school.
so i decided that this school year onwards i am going to spend time daily with them looking after their homework, preparing for unit test etc.
my older DD is sharp & has picked up whereas my younger one refuses to budge. i too get frustrated & sometimes worry as to what they will do in their life. at the same time i have started to explore their other interests: dance class, art class or sports class which they love to attend.
i have started to explain it to them that getting good marks is not only bcoz it looks gud, it is also bcoz you learn something new & learn it well, you teacher praises you & the friend circle has also shifted.
as i see some improvements in the past tests , the older one has slowly begun to recognise the same & when she got gud marks ( not top marks) , she was so happy to report that her teacher praised her efforts & she has some renewed interest in studies.
it is ok to worry, in fact i think some measure of it is necessary
the above strategy has so far failed with my younger DD, but I hope she too realises in time, meanwhile i continue my efforts. if not studies, she can do well in arts & dance.

 

it is ok to worry, in fact, some measure of it is necessary as in my case ( so that you dont wake up to nasty surprises) , just dont go overboard.

 

I apologize, if you were offended. I replied based on your post. In my opinion, I was trying to encourage you to take yourself out of the equation. It's a matter of values and shifting them to something that is both worthy and sustainable. You can choose to value your son's development in a well-rounded approach or you can grade it based test scores and prizes. Once your values has shifted to measure your son's development through other markers (like increased participation in school, increased interest in learning, and the desire to try new things, etc.), you will still be able to be a tiger mom, without the mom guilt and disappointment. Your son will still be successful, with your due diligence.

 

This response clearly demonstrates that effort put in the right direction with proper strategies seldom go unrewarded.
Kudos to you and blessings to your DDs and to u.
Thanks and Regards.
God indoctrinates that “put in correct effort & leave the result to Me”