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Acceptable duration of a fight?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by shakambari, Apr 9, 2010.

  1. shakambari

    shakambari Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi ,

    Fights between couples is an absolutely normal thing.

    In fact ,we may find life too unnatural or insipid if there are no spats!

    But how long do you thing is it ok to take a fight?

    I remember my moms advice-

    "Never drag a fight overnite! Make up and keep the conversation going between you and your Dh - even if You are in the wrong ,soon you will forget what you started fighting for!"

    I do find this advice useful for trivial fights but major issues?:bonk

    But I try not to drag a spat or argument for too long as it only aggrevates matter.

    For some it may be a matter of hours ,days or even years...

    I know of an old relative of ours who never spoke with his wife for a few years (though they lived in the same house )when she sided her brother instead of her hubby over some irrelevant issue!

    But how long ,is too long for a fight between a husband and wife?
     
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  2. 12adityas

    12adityas Bronze IL'ite

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    Fights are normal, but it is certainly abnormal to treat fights as a certainty and keep fighting with the spouse instead of resolving to prevent future fights.

    Every effort need to be made by the partners to stop fighting and NOT TO FIGHT again. So the focus should be on preventing future fights and resolving not to quarrel again, and not on how long should the fight last, etc.
     
  3. Vidya21

    Vidya21 Senior IL'ite

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    "Never drag a fight overnite! Make up and keep the conversation going between you and your Dh - even if You are in the wrong ,soon you will forget what you started fighting for!"

    ... That is so wise! Maybe, we should have a thread about such pearls of wisdom that elders contributed to when we were getting married!

    Anyway, about fighting... DH jokes that I fight tooth and nail with him (about silly things). And him and my brother are big friends, so brother of course substantiates that claim by reminding me how I fought with him when we were kids! LOL

    On a serious note, the longest we fought was 4 days. And that when we were engaged, it was so terrible that we haven't let a fight drag on that long since being married. :crazy
     
  4. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    This never-drag-beyond-night has never worked out despite best efforts :drowning
    Fights or problems have their own life. You cannot exactly control that timeline.

    I'll say beyond a week or two means it is a big problem.
    Months is a serious issue.
     
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2010
  5. sowmyar

    sowmyar New IL'ite

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    I think there really is no 'right' duration for fights, and for that matter the maximum duration a fight can last, although I realise that the longer it lasts the worse things become. To me, the duration of fights with my husband has depended on the reason and the context of the disagreement. I say context because a minor tiff when one of us has had a tough day often spirals into a bitter one, and sometimes a raging battle resolves in minutes!

    I would say for general tiffs, max has been a week I think, but even during this time we would be nice and not show faces (more like 'silent treatment' which IMO is not good), but we would continue to do things for each other, although the message would be 'I am annoyed with you!'. However, me and hubby have had several deep-seated disagreements so I have to say that such 'fights' rarely got resolved (although we are working on a middle ground now!).

    Would love to hear what the other ladies have to say...
     
  6. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Unresolved fights if they go on for how many days, nights, weeks, months, are a stepping stone for future doom, both partner have to make a effort to put their points across, listen what others have to say and try to be reasonable and then apologise for his or her mistake, show affection and not hold it, be nice even though there was a fight , after all spouse share life and same home till they are together.

    If the fights are not resolved and one just wishes them that they go away by being silent, it is not going to help. In fights one has to be careful of words one choses, not to say hurtful things, to know when to pull out of argument , to be able to sit and talk and patch up, all this is tough but this is the only mantra to survive. If either partner is not willing , just like a two wheeled drive, the marriage vehicle will stall.

    Silent treatment, showing indifferent treatment(by laughing with others while being not nice to spouse), all these are mind games. Relationship wont survive the toughest challenges if it is driven by impulse, irrationatal talk and behavior and arrogant and adamanant nature.
     
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2010
  7. rosegirl

    rosegirl Bronze IL'ite

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    I feel more than a day is too much. They can be angry for sometime, cool off and then sit down to talk it out and come to a compromise.
    If they are going keep quiet for days and let anger and frustration build up, then the fight is going to get even more nasty.

    Problems that are not faced, dont vanish. They are always right there.
     
  8. ars

    ars Platinum IL'ite

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    Your Mother's advice - We follow it too.
    Grew up listening to kannada proverb which says "husband and wife's fight till dinner and sleep" basically that meant others should not interfer because they will always kiss and make up.
    Another pearl of wisdom we follow is when we do fight we nevere bring up our old fights.
     
  9. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    Am I the only one thinking that fight-till-dinner-and-kiss&makeup does not happen all the time? I wish it does happen that way always, but it seems to depend on context and severity?
     
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2010
  10. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Fight till dinner and kiss and make up I feel happens only in few cases, by majority only dinner happens, and kiss and make up it does not happen, and the reason why marriages are getting so difficult ..For a person to forgo things at the earliest to kiss and make up, is not easy, as it involves emotions and depending on time and nature of fight or arguments, kiss and make up would need some time or may not even happen at all. it may happen in few days, its perfectly fine, as long as it happens that way

     
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2010

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