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Accept What You Cannot Change?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by confused4sure, Jul 9, 2019.

  1. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    not sure if this reply matters. let go of something and assertive of something. my mil will treat H ,like a baby , lol he is 43 too. he will not open his mouth, but he makes sure that stops there.

    she gets that too. house decision , vacation , travel , cook and kids. those i work with H and of course, i respect her views.

    you mil has a narcissitic personality , they cannot be fixed. only boundaries work with them.
     
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    After your MIL commented that you are lazy and your face has no beauty, you paid for a house for your in-laws, your salary paid for your house bills and her house bills while your husband was trying his hand at his own company. You have also bought a house for your parents, can buy a second one if they want to live separately, opened FD in their names, and "open offer to anytime ask you for more money." You must be in your late 30's or just 40.

    Straight-forward question: How did you accomplish all that?
    You don't have to respond but that level of achievement does not match the sorry situation w.r.t. the say you have about in-laws in your life.

    After 14 months of hosting your in-laws in a pandemic while WFH, having "long conversations" with husband, receiving "current promise" and "told him many time make sure" are steps that will amount to baingan*.

    Looks like everyone knows and have experienced that they can safely and royally take you for granted and are doing so. Your husband, your parents, your PILs and indirectly the other in-laws. Unless your start putting your foot down and lay down your terms in clear words along with enforceable consequences that you will indeed follow through and enforce, nothing will change.

    You wrote that you yearn for a normal family balance. This balance thingie does not come easy in most Indian marriages. Every woman pays her dues in one way or another, in one form or another and has to assert herself while wishing she didn't have to, while wishing that what she wants came by default.

    *baingan= brinjal. Nil.
     
  3. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    Baingan is NIL ?!! :roflmao:
    Quotes for February:
    Martin Luther King, Jr., reminded us that “the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice.”​
    On the other hand, the economist John Maynard Keynes has said "... in the long run we are all dead".
     
  4. confused4sure

    confused4sure Silver IL'ite

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    Actually it is not. the other two sons also dote on her. If not, there is an episode of manic depression! One brother is not very stable in his job, and lives in the house we bought for ILs. So, they feel that it is not financially stable with him. The other son lives in US, on the east coast in a dingy 2 bed 1 bath apartment. with shared laundry...etc. Comparatively, we live in comfortable living arrangement, and they each get a personal room, with no worries about money or work. Even my husband feels tht they prefer our place for the comfort.
     
  5. confused4sure

    confused4sure Silver IL'ite

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    I agree with Maynard... in the long run, it doesn't matter.
     
  6. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Take a hint from the other brother in the US then. :wink:
     
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  7. confused4sure

    confused4sure Silver IL'ite

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    After your MIL commented that you are lazy and your face has no beauty, you paid for a house for your in-laws, your salary paid for your house bills and her house bills while your husband was trying his hand at his own company. You have also bought a house for your parents, can buy a second one if they want to live separately, opened FD in their names, and "open offer to anytime ask you for more money." You must be in your late 30's or just 40. - are you psychic :)

    Well... I would if I had more money. I don't think with growing kids, we want to splurge on a second house set up for ILs. It almost feels like money we would be spending on their education/future, going down the drain.

    Straight-forward question: How did you accomplish all that?
    Lucky break - both Husband and I worked in technology companies that took off, with combination of RSU and startups. Even though husband has taken few years of break... he has managed to maintain his share of income.

    You don't have to respond but that level of achievement does not match the sorry situation w.r.t. the say you have about in-laws in your life.

    That is the crazy part. In professional setting, I would have no issues handling these types of situations with no issues...


    After 14 months of hosting your in-laws in a pandemic while WFH, having "long conversations" with husband, receiving "current promise" and "told him many time make sure" are steps that will amount to baingan*.

    I agree... we had a huge blowout about this just last night. He kept saying, you have got to trust me... whatever that means now!

    Looks like everyone knows and have experienced that they can safely and royally take you for granted and are doing so. Your husband, your parents, your PILs and indirectly the other in-laws. Unless your start putting your foot down and lay down your terms in clear words along with enforceable consequences that you will indeed follow through and enforce, nothing will change.

    You wrote that you yearn for a normal family balance. This balance thingie does not come easy in most Indian marriages. Every woman pays her dues in one way or another, in one form or another and has to assert herself while wishing she didn't have to, while wishing that what she wants came by default.

    Agree on the taken for granted, and need to be assertive for what you want.
    It is against my character to be assertive. However, this last year. I have been trying to lay down my limits.


    *baingan= brinjal. Nil.
     
  8. confused4sure

    confused4sure Silver IL'ite

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    :((
     

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