Discussion in 'Married Life' started by confused4sure, Jul 9, 2019.
Ewww...that is so unmanly .
You have married a man child.
If he thinks it is silly why not let his mom sit at the back ...why is that not silly.
Send fil also in the car with them .
You take your kids in another car.
Or better still send the kids too. Let them take care and you go do your own thing .
It is not the same....but you atleast get something out of it without feeling like a spare tyre.
As for the financial responsibility....if you can earn the money you can be part of the decision making without having to be made guilty.
If his mom was earning the money,she could be the decision maker too.
From your post about your mil's manipulative nature ,I would say she is a narcissistic woman who only cares about herself and would burn her son's homes to get her way.
The only way to deal with such people is to ignore their tantrums,call them out for their abusive nature and let them cry in their corner.
Unfortunately ,her sons have been trained to react to her emotional blackmail by pandering to her.
I feel bad for you.....and your bils spouses.
Hope you find your space in your life .
Hugs to you .
My nature is to be patient, until I give up.
And then I am the most uncaring person - you can imagine [Once I give up, you won't exist to me anymore]
So, my fear is that, if and when this becomes permanent, I will be end up taking drastic decisions...
affecting our marriage.
because, I truly believe, we all have one life.
and have a right to be happy - applies to both myself and husband
I guess time will tell...
Op I believe on a deeper level for you it's not actually a small thing that's why you wrote this post. I believe it will really effect you or may be it will come out when they live with you permanently. women who act like your mil are crazy and psycho, seriously they should be institutionalized.
How about when next time poor mamma is here, making her dear 43 old bubba sleep in her room, so that she can read and cuddle him to sleep.
I really hate when people say oh let it go he is nice to you otherwise. As if he is doing a favour by being nice. In our indian culture the hidden definition of marriage is put up with nasty in laws because they gave birth to your life partner and look how much he is doing for you he lets you decide on money which you earn equally by working so hard.
And yes next time when you attend a party with these psychos carry a bib, so that it's not so hard for poor old mamma to feed her angel son for whom she made so many sacrifices, she kept him in her tummy for 9 months and finally gave birth to him. Women like your mil are the hardest to deal with.
This is what happens when she visits BILs house. and it framed this way... "R will always end up cuddling me and going to sleep. Rxxxx (his wife) is very free girl who understands mom-son bond"
My husband knows that I will not be sooo understanding
First of all, I feel like your MIL is manipulative and she kind of sugar coats it with her love of her sons to get the influence she wants in their life. But IMO, for a husband his wife and kids has to come first, because, whatever he do, wife and kids are first ones that get affected. So next time when your husband and MIL say/do something that makes you feel inferior, let them know (in polite way). Also, let your husband know that he comes first for you always. Good communication is always good. it is better than covering up your feeling, and if you tell him early on so that he will not point out that you never told him earlier. In that way he knows how you feel when he tell those comments. I would feel furious, if my husband tells me that I am the second best mother. To a kid, their mom is always the best, no matter what others say. His or anyone's word cannot change that. He will feel the same way with his mom, but his mom cannot take away his wife's place in his family. It is not fair.
What you are feeling is probably that you do not feel included with them. Next time when your inlaws visit, try riding with his mom, and let him ride with his dad. When you feel you are not appreciated as much as his mom, you are also fighting with your awful in laws.
Also, keep your MIL out of your bedroom. I think it is important to have your privacy at least in the bedroom.
If only all Indian husbands follow this
In fairness to my MIL - 50 % of the days... as soon as there is noise from our bedroom... of DH waking up.. .she will come with a pooja book in hand to bless him. then get his tea heated(made by me or FIL) and delivers to him. Then DH goes, "mama... tell me stories/news of the day... Indian politics... home politics... if all else fails.. complaints about FIL... etc." On the other 50% of the days that she does not come immediately, DH wakes up, reads news for 10 mins... and shouts... "Mamaaaaaa".... and she says.... "Oooooo Ma" and then the routine continues from there.
So he is equally to be blamed for the bedside coffeeee...
Another thing that has made me more tolerant is this. Due to his startup stress, DH had an anxiety breakdown couple years ago. the normally happy going guy was completely broken down with anxiety and stress caused by long hours of work and lack of proper sleep. During this time, I was glad for MIL and FIL to be there as an additional moral support to him, since I had to work and take care of kids etc... Since I took her help in hour of need, I don't want to take away something from her now. Also, I am worried with any bickering, husband will go back into depression.
1. Unless MIL realizes the disruption she is causing and changes - it seems nothing will change (which I am sure she won't).
2. I can always tell DH how I am unhappy, and ask my husband to change... but this will make her upset and drama will start. He will be in the middle of the mess, cannot see his mom unhappy, it will make him unhappy, and will eventually our relation will suffer.
3. Enjoy time now, since they only visit every 6 months. and I get a breather... and when time comes for permanent stay, decide based on the circumstances. At that point, I guess both me and husband will have to do some deep soul searching.
The other nagging thing is, I don't have great parents as well. Mom-Dad fights. only child. always expect me to resolve their issues... mom always wants to be here the other 6 months when ILs are not here (so she can get away from dad). She has her own possessive nature and quirks, that I have to work around. I have financially taken care of mom-dad generously as well.. from buying home, fixed deposits in bank in each of their names... open offer to anytime.. just ask me for money.. even offered to buy second house, so they can live in 2 different houses.....but, please just don't fight. But... NO. they cannot stop as well. My dad..says.. your mom does nt respect me... I am useless to her, since you are giving her the money. My mom says... he talks bad words.. what did he do for me... always scolding me from marriage... why should I respect him... etc...
Now both my mom and ILs want their green card processed....
Due to both parents, I feel my marriage always becomes third priority... #1 kids.. #2 parents.. #3 marraige